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Why are you here?

The coldness of the night seeps into the warm air of my car. I consider turning on the heater but I decide against it. I need to save gas. Money doesn't come my easily these days and I don't have the time for job between school and sports.
I rub my hands together and blow on them. The warmth only satisfies me for a few short seconds. I sigh. Cold nights weren't always so cold. An extra body used to be beside me. Her and I used to drive out here every Friday to see the stars and the northern lights. I wonder where she is now. Out with her friends? Out with another guy? Home alone doing her homework? Who knows. Not me, not anymore.

I lean the seat back and close my eyes. The single question continues to pound in my head. Why am I here? Right now I'm on a side viewing on the side of a small mountain. It over looks the valley and the the small city beneath it. During the day it gives the beauty of million of years of natural selection and evolution, at night it shows the magnificence of god's heavenly creation. In – between it shows the setting of the sun and brilliant mixing of the two worlds in harmony. It's the perfect place to take a date, but I'm alone.

I'm alone trying to recapture what I've had. Trying to taste the happiness that me and her once shared. I can sometimes get all so close, but I never fully get there in a memory. Her beauty can never be properly depicted in my mind. Her light blue eyes, black eyes. The way she smiles the way she cries. Her simple voice could freeze my blood.

Why am I here? Because I'm trying to find some closure, trying to let her go. Right? That's what I tell myself. Even though it's a lie. She should be the easiest to let go. I never kissed her, we never made out. We only went out for about a month. I don't feel extremely sad about us parting. Maybe it was because she's the only girl I have no regrets dating. Maybe I'm just her to figure out what went wrong.
My ears are tickled by the soft sound of gravel being crushed by car tires. Two headlights flash through the window to my right. I look over and see a red Saturn pull in. The headlights flip off and in the moonlight I see two figures in the car. It's probably a date. I can't tell what's happening in the car, but knowing this spot I turn away, just to make sure I don't intrude on them. I don't think they noticed my car when I came in. It's kind of hidden by a small tree and vegetation.

I close my eyes and chase memories again. This time my favorite memory. She was always the shy type. All of our dates where with a group. However her friends had other plans. They somehow manage to sneak away and get us alone. She of course would yell at them for doing it, but I knew she really did want to be alone, it was just unexplored territory is all.

I remembered running to a pine tree hand in hand trying to get out of the rain. The they then both started to shiver from the cold. So they shared body head and embraced. It was there were he stared into her eyes for so long there is a gap in memory. I still have no idea how much time went by, because all that was going on in my mind at that time was: Kiss her, Kiss her. But I never did because she said she wasn't ready for a kiss, so I held. But to this day I know by the look in her eye that she wanted to kiss. She was just waiting for him to lean in. Waiting for him to lead.

My memory is then disrupted by some shouting. No not shouting, just a little scuffle with words. I looked over to the neighboring car. The passenger door open and someone walked out. He guessed the person female because of the long brown hair. She slammed the door and began to walk down the over to the cliff. She then started to make her way down the mountain. What was she doing? Doesn't she know that that if she trips that she could fall all the way down the side of the mountain. I get out of my car, and head down toward her.

“Hey miss, you can't go down to far, it's to steep, you could fall off the mountain.” I yell. The girl doesn't slow down, she only mutters something, and further descends down the mountain. I pick up the pace a little bit, she's getting dangerously close to a drop off, and with the sharp incline one could easily slide always down the mountain.

“Hey, you're to close to the drop off.” She mutters again, but slows a bit. I get within a couple feet when she looses her footing. She slips and falls on her but and starts to slide. She lets out a quick screech. I lung for her and grab her arm, only then do I see her face. It's her. My blood freezes. Our eyes lock for a moment. She gets to her feet and finds a tree to hang on to.

“You can let go now.” She says. I look down and see I'm still gripping her arm. I release it, and touch of sorrow comes over me. I stand up straight, but my eyes can only find the ground. Looking into her eyes would just hurt to much.
No words pass between us. Say something, say something. No words come to mouth, because there's nothing more to say. Finally she hisses out a thank you. I nod, and she starts back up the mountain. Say something, say something. So I blurt out the only thing I can think of.

“Why are you here?” I bite my tongue. Really? That's the best I've got? She stops and turns back to me. I finally get the courage to look her in the eyes. I instantly have to break contact.

My legs almost lose there bones and I have to lean against a tree to hide my unsteadiness. She sighs and looks over to the car at the top of the hill. There's a boy just coming out of the car. I nod and try to shove out any thoughts of what might be going on in that car. But she's not that kind of girl, I think.

“The real question is why are you?” I grip the tree and look into her eyes again. She is genuinely curious and a tad concerned. She's not evil, not even bad, she just doesn’t feel the same for me that she once did.

My mouth blurts out what it can no longer hold. Words that I never even said when we were dating.

“Because I love you.” Her eyes go to the ground. Deafening silence hits the entire mountain. I don't even dare to look her way. Finally she speaks.

“I'm sorry.” And without another word she turns back around and heads up the mountain. Leaving me here with only those two words. I lean my head back against the tree. One tear escapes my grasp and lands on the ground. I look into the stars, and it is only then that if find myself believing that I was never good enough for her in the first place. The wind then carries God's whispers to me. It's okay to cry. It's okay. I slump down and put my head into my arms, and let a few tears go. My first tears that I have shed in years. I then whisper back to Christ.

“Take care of her for me.” I whip away a couple tears. “Because I can't anymore.”



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This article has 2 comments. Post your own!

CammyS said...
Oct. 30, 2012 at 7:05 am:
I loved it! I was totally not expecting that ending. Wow! Great work!
 
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. said...
Oct. 28, 2012 at 5:00 pm:
So sad, oh my goodness! I loved it though, it was so well written. Keep on writting!
 
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