The Waiting Room

October 6, 2012
By KenyaLove41 GOLD, Dallas, Texas
KenyaLove41 GOLD, Dallas, Texas
16 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent." ~Ambrose Bierce
"Nothing is Impossible, the word itself says 'I'm Possible!'" ~ Audrey Hepburn
"Good writing is only bad writing revised"~ Unknown


Silence. Boredom. Restlessness. And profound trepidation. Those are the words I would use to express the mix of emotions in this room. But not just any room.
The waiting room.
Sterile. Off white walls. Cheap imitations of semi famous paintings precariously hanging. One sofa, seven plastic chairs and a coffee table. That is how I would describe our current setting.
My older brother, Jonathan. Overdose. Coma. Dangerous corrective surgery. Dangerous enough to render him either a vegetable for the rest of his life or kill him, if done incorrectly. That’s why we’re here.
Mom is curled up on one of the couches with her arms wrapped tightly around her knees, rocking back and forth and crying and murmuring softly to herself. Dad paces silently from one end of the room to another, unable to control his nervous energy. Aunt Del flits in and out of the room, bringing in food no one can bare to eat and pestering the nurses for any updates. Which of course there are none. And I sit on the other end of the couch, staring blankly at he same magazine article as I have for the past hour.
I walk over to Mom and put my arms around her. She turns her head to stare at me. Eyes bloodshot, hair a messy halo around her head and a face that has aged a million years over the course of a few years.
“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him,” she whispers. I just nod, because I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him, too. I’m scared, just as bad as her and the rest of them. The reason I can’t reassure her is because I’m experiencing the same kind of fear she is. One where our screams are silent and in our hearts rather than of aloud. And instead of being afraid for our own lives we fear for the one’s closest to us. And maybe that’s the worst kind of fear of all.
There is a knock on the door. And when the doctor walks in and I see his face- grim, weary- I know all I need to know. And when he speaks, “I regret to inform you…” and I see my mom collapse onto the ground I become certain that fearing for the loss of a loved one is the worst kind of fear of all.


The author's comments:
In English we had to write a short piece over a certain emotion and use fragements in our story. I choice "Fear". Mircosoft Word hates me now after writing this but I hope you enjoy.

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This article has 18 comments.


on May. 5 2013 at 1:30 am
E.J.Mathews GOLD, International Falls, Minnesota
19 articles 2 photos 145 comments
You really expressed fear well. The story was flawless, and had great imagery throughout. I know this isn't the article you wanted me to read, but I just realized that I have read and commented on the other one already. Anyways, great work.

on May. 4 2013 at 7:12 pm
Carpe-Caffeam GOLD, No Where, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 445 comments

Favorite Quote:
“If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.” –David Letterman

AWH! I was rooting for Jonathan. :( Nevertheless, I think this was an amazing piece. You really used sentence fragments well in order to carry your story forward, something that few writers are able to successfully use to their advantage. Amazing job!

on Jan. 14 2013 at 3:48 pm
Apollo77 PLATINUM, Brunswick, Ohio
20 articles 0 photos 103 comments

Favorite Quote:
"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.”
"Madame, all stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true-story teller who would keep that from you."
-Ernest Hemingway

really great! I love the emotion and i'm a sucker for an unhappy ending... I kind of wish it were longer to give more depth to the characters and make me care more though...but I like it!

on Jan. 6 2013 at 9:18 pm
In_Love_with_Writing GOLD, Easton, Pennsylvania
12 articles 0 photos 389 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13

This was really good. You did well. Can you rate and comment some of my stories? :)

on Dec. 18 2012 at 10:19 pm
Stella_Val_Illicia GOLD, Salt Lake City, Utah
13 articles 0 photos 248 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad idea."
--Douglas Adams

I really like this story. You depict the emotion really well, and the desctiptions are very blunt yet that's how they need to be. The only change I would make would be to somehow change the "that is what..." statements. But otherwise, this is really good! It is suspenseful, and sad, and really gets emotions stirred up in the readers. Great work!

Mayell BRONZE said...
on Dec. 13 2012 at 4:43 pm
Mayell BRONZE, Ocala, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

This was great. It really kept me captive while I was reading it. I just think you can be a little more desprictive about her brother,Jonathon, and the relationship that they had together. The reader would better understand why her brother was so dear to her.

Mayell BRONZE said...
on Dec. 13 2012 at 4:43 pm
Mayell BRONZE, Ocala, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

This was great. It really kept me captive while I was reading it. I just think you can be a little more desprictive about her brother,Jonathon, and the relationship that they had together. The reader would better understand why her brother was so dear to her.

on Dec. 1 2012 at 10:20 pm
jeseer PLATINUM, Auburntown, Tennessee
22 articles 0 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Truth without love is a killer, but love without truth is a liar. The Bible commands us to have both: It says to speak the truth in love."--Elliott Nesch
"To love another person is to see the face of God."--Victor Hugo

This was good! I'd like to no more. It seems like it would make a good book or novella.

on Dec. 1 2012 at 12:35 am
KenyaLove41 GOLD, Dallas, Texas
16 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent." ~Ambrose Bierce
"Nothing is Impossible, the word itself says 'I'm Possible!'" ~ Audrey Hepburn
"Good writing is only bad writing revised"~ Unknown

yeah well i guess from like drugs and stuff...but  kind of just made it up so yeah  idk if that can happen :p

poemluv BRONZE said...
on Nov. 30 2012 at 12:27 pm
poemluv BRONZE, Coolidge, Arizona
2 articles 4 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When the world shout 'give up' hope whipers 'try it one more time'"

Jonathon got into the Coma from an overdose, right?

CammyS SILVER said...
on Nov. 1 2012 at 5:11 pm
CammyS SILVER, Papillion, Nebraska
5 articles 0 photos 188 comments

Favorite Quote:
No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft.
H. G. Wells
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Mark Twain

my only question is: how did Jonathan get in the coma? You really captured fear really well. :)

on Nov. 1 2012 at 3:18 pm
Snowflakes SILVER, Lichfield, Other
6 articles 0 photos 91 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are. - Alice In Wonderland

I really liked this. I liked the way you used short sentences to create suspense, and I feel like you captured the feeling of fear perfectly. As well as that, you also captured the emotions of anxiety, sorrow and pain, etc, which was really good. There was a lot of feeling in this (obviously) but I agree with the llama below, that you should have detailed how Jonathan got into the coma - you could have displayed fear even more in that.
But anyway, it was really good to read :) 

on Oct. 21 2012 at 8:39 pm
thegoldenllama BRONZE, Cupertino, California
2 articles 0 photos 30 comments

Favorite Quote:
猿も木から落ちる。

Wow, this is amazing! :O Your powerful words strongly convey the tension in the room, and I can deeply connect with the narrator. Great job! Maybe, for the beginning, to catch more of the readers' attention, you could perhaps add a scene in which how the boy Jonathan got into the coma. Like, a car accident? A blaring truck, the vision going black,etc. Anyways, excellent piece! :)

on Oct. 20 2012 at 1:31 am
leopardchica77, Livermore, California
0 articles 1 photo 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past

your wording absolutely amazing i was intriged durring the entire piece

on Oct. 19 2012 at 9:30 pm
live4words SILVER, Bigfork, Montana
5 articles 4 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.

This is super powereful! Your descriptions of the waiting room were perfect, and I could totally picture it. It was so sad..:( but in a good way!

on Oct. 17 2012 at 1:29 am
Atl.Braves03 BRONZE, Tampa, FL, Florida
4 articles 0 photos 77 comments

Favorite Quote:
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part
Of this picture he's painting
God is God and I am man
I will never understand
Because only God is God

I liked it. My only tip is more of an opinion than a fact, but I think it would have been cool if you kept the reader in the dark about why they were at the doctors office for longer. For example, maybe describing the emotion and the fear and the anticipation and building it up until the end when everything gets revealed. Just an idea though. Great concept. I think you did a good job with it :)

elites5 SILVER said...
on Oct. 13 2012 at 5:21 pm
elites5 SILVER, Langley, Other
9 articles 0 photos 23 comments
This is really well written and very descriptive. Maybe you could draw the plot out a bit more because I started getting into it then it ended. Other than that it has a lot of emotion. Keep it up! :)

on Oct. 13 2012 at 3:21 pm
KenyaLove41 GOLD, Dallas, Texas
16 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent." ~Ambrose Bierce
"Nothing is Impossible, the word itself says 'I'm Possible!'" ~ Audrey Hepburn
"Good writing is only bad writing revised"~ Unknown

please comment if you can(: i would really appericate it dont be lazy you never know i might comment one of your stories...XD


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