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I wish (monlogue)

Setting the scene: Jill is sitting with a police officer recounting the last time she saw her best friend before she committed suicide. While she is explaining this, Jill uncovers feelings of guilt and bitterness towards her friend's death and she starts to doubt the strength of the friendship in the first place.

Jill: We were at the beach, that night. We decided we would go look at the waves because we were bored and we liked to do weird things like that. So, when we were watching, she was quiet for a while, lost in her own thoughts, I guess. She seemed normal enough, though I would never describe her as normal, she just looked like herself. There was no difference, she didn't look sadder than she usually was, anymore, bitter, angry. She actually seemed sort of at peace for once. That should've been my first clue. I should've known, should've said something, anything! But all we did was stand there and stare at those stupid waves. I could've had one more talk with my best friend, heard her voice one more time... I should've seen it coming. I knew she was depressed, I knew that! But we never talked about it because it always ruined all the fun we had and made everything awkward. It was easy to forget, she was never a happy girl, but she always seemed... stable . I always thought she was brave, strong, unbreakable. But apparently she was breakable, more than me, which I didn't think was possible. She was my rock, I dumped all my troubles on her and she helped me through them, like a good best friend. And then there's me, who knew her friend was depressed and never tried to help her. It would be different if I didn't know, but I did and I never did... anything... And even if I didn't know, I should've known when she started saying... I'm sorry ( beat) when she started saying all this stuff about moving on and healing, and living. I was happy at first because I thought, I thought she was talking about herself,but now I know she was trying to prepare me, I guess. God, how could she do this? She could've just told me! We could've talked about it, I could've helped her! She didn't have to go and kill herself! At leat she escaped, but the people who loved her are still stuck here, living in the pain she caused. I get that her life was bad, I get that, but everyone's life is bad at some point. You have to be strong enough to handle it, it always gets better. Maybe after weeks, or months, or even years for some people but there's always something... better, something worth living for, even if you can't see it yet. But she was too selfish, too impatient to wait for it. I loved her, she was my best friend, and she knew that, so how could she do this to me? And I thought she felt the same way about me, but now I'm doubting that too. Maybe it was all pointless anyway, our friendship, she's gone and I'm still here. I'm just glad, even if I was really her friend or not, I made her last few years, meaningful, I guess you could say. I just wish is was enough to have kept her alive.




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