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Outside My Window (Ch. 3)

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First Day Of High School

Outside it was dark and a light rain created a soft pitter-patter against my window. Even now I wanted to go outside. To splash in the puddles and wear a bright yellow rain jacket. I wanted to hold an umbrella for the first time and dance in the rain. Even the dirt was appealing to me; it was a dark brown that made me want to make mud pies. It was the same old dream that I had as a child.

Outside my window, something caught my eye. There was a tall, muscular, and somehow attractive man out there. I had never seen a man before; mother said men were the most dangerous of all. 

But this one didn't seem that way at all. Even from a distance I thought he was beautiful. His brown hair fell perfectly on his forehead, and his face was long and looked like it was sculpted out of pure marble. His nose was straight and his lips were a medium sized; a balance between thin and full. 

He was walking down the street and his clothes were soaking wet from not having an umbrella. He made no effort to protect his smooth skin from the cool rain that showered over him. The sight was breathtaking, and when I finally remembered out to breathe, I gasped softly. This caught my mother's attention, but I did not care. I imagined running outside with an umbrella, protecting him from the rain. I imagined walking down the street with him like this, and holding is cold, wet hand not thinking about where we could possibly be going. 

By this time my mother had followed my gaze, and suddenly she lept from her seat and held my shoulders in her old, yet strong hands. She was staring straight into my eyes. Her forehead was creased and she had such a worry in her eyes that I blinked twice, forgetting my daydream instantly. Her thin grey hair became completely noticeable to me and I also noticed her wrinkles. It seemed that she'd been crying every night since the one from so long ago. Her lower lip was trembling, as if she were unable to think of the right words to say. 

Without thinking, I whispered, "Mother, why can't I-"

"NO!" she screamed. I was shocked. My eyes were wide in disbelief and I couldn't think straight. My mother flat out rejected all of my hopes, dreams, and desires in that one word. I already knew they were all hopeless, but this one outburst completely abolished my entire reason for being in this world. Before I knew it, tears spilled out and covered my cheeks. 

"Why not?" I croaked. But this voice of mine wasn't because I was crying. It was always like this nowadays. And suddenly I felt the weakness and exhaustion I paid no attention to before now. Mother's eyes were brimming with tears. 

"Because you are too weak. I am so afraid to lose you to that boy, love," she said between her sniffles and tears. And in that moment, all my exhaustion crashed on top of me. I was too weak to even sit up, but my mind was going a mile a minute, and my heart was going the exact same pace. 

My chest hurt because of this. 

My realization distracted me from that slightly familiar pain in my chest. Mother never let me out because she didn't want to spend one moment without me. She wanted me all to herself because... Because I am going to die. I've had a timer on my life for the past fifteen years, and she was afraid to miss one minute of it. She started crying herself to sleep after she heard from the doctor that I was not going to live. As I was figuring it all out, my mother was hugging me tighter and tighter and she kept saying "I love you, I love you. Please don't go!" 

My vision was blurry, and I noticed the pain in my chest growing more severe. I could vaguely make out my surroundings. Nurses and doctors rushing about my hospital room, my mother crying relentlessly in my ear. But beyond all the chaos, I saw the same old books. The same old movies. The same old window. And I heard the beeping. The beeping that was going a mile a minute just a moment ago was slowly but surely getting slower and slower. The beeping of my heart. 

"Why? Why can't you stay with me a little longer?" she'd wail. 

With the rest of my strength, I turned to her and said, 
"Because you are too weak. And I'd rather go to heaven and do all the things I never could do here with you,"

I took one last breath, remembering all my dreams and hopes, I felt and heard my last heartbeat, remembering the people and the boy I so wanted so desperately to meet, and I was gone.




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