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I used to believe...

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I used to believe that the boy to tell me he loved me, really would, but then again, I never really loved him either. Then, I believed I would wait until I found a man that did love me. I didn’t, I found another boy who pretended he did. So, I decided to patiently await the arrival of my perfect true love. Another boy, another wait, it was an endless cycle. Well, I don’t believe I’ll find true love anymore.

I used to believe that everything would be okay eventually. It’s not, obviously. So I waited. I prayed. I met another boy. I didn’t like him, but that was before I thought I really got to know him. I still don’t really know him. I don’t really know anyone. Anyway, we were friends; that’s what I told myself. I told myself I had friends. I lied to myself a lot, didn’t I?

I used to believe that I could wait. I can’t. I’m impatient, ill tempered, and unprepared. I’m the loneliest place I’ve ever been. I read that once. It was me in a sentence. But, it’s sad here and wet because the tears don’t dry. The salt-water just gets higher and higher...My greatest fear has always been drowning.

I used to believe that I wouldn’t let myself get hurt anymore. I get hurt easily though, and the shield I hide behind, is thin as glass. So, I can see every pain that kills me. I can see every arrow they shoot at my heart with words heavier than sticks and stones. Now, I’m building a stone fortress where no one can come in. I just can’t leave the loneliest place I’ve ever been.




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