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"If there was ever one..." excerpt

I plunged the gray, blood covered dagger (no, my gray, blood covered dagger now) into his stomach before he could process what was happening to him. I barely felt the smallest trickle of warm, deep red liquid seeping onto my hand before I saw his eyes grow wider and wider, until they looked as if they could pop out of their sockets at any moment. That was my signal that he was beginning to understand what I had done to him, and what I was about to do. I gave him just enough time to process this, and the pain of the worst stomachache in existence. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but I didn’t give him the time. With all my might, I pulled the dagger upward: I shredded through his small intestines like tissue paper, chopped his liver like a steak, severed a lung like a wishbone, and ruptured his heart like a water balloon. All while slicing through one side of his ribs like many tough carrots. I brought the dagger up to the top of his trachea, held it steady for two seconds, and then yanked it out with completely unnecessary force. He opened his mouth a second time, and now something did come out: a cough. However, only half the cough constituted of air escaping his dying mouth. The other half was a sudden spurt of blood coming from his opened trachea. A few drops landed on my right cheek, and I slowly brought my hand up, only to quickly wipe the blood away with a disgusted expression on my face. He teetered on one foot for a moment, then fell on his side, with what little strength he had left, he rolled onto his back and lifted his right hand. Anger suddenly flared up inside of me again, anger I thought I had dissipated when I gave him that fatal gash. But no, that same anger was now consuming me like cursed fire. With a roar, I plunged my dagger hand into, and through, his hand with such force that my blow took his hand with my dagger all the way into the ground, where my dagger then pinned his hand. I looked to his face to see his final moment of life, and then the last of the color in his eyes were gone. I ripped the dagger from the ground, and back through his hand. I glanced at my dagger, almost completely covered with blood now. I then dropped it, and fell onto all fours. For a moment, I thought, no, knew, I was about to die. I didn’t know how, of whether it would be painless or agonizing. All I knew was that it was about to happen. And then, the moment passed. I realized death had not come for me; I was simply experiencing how it felt to be alone. Not the only-person-in-the-room alone, but truly, absolutely, being alone. There were only two people on earth that I knew I could truly rely on, and they had both perished in the past fifteen minutes. And one of the two had betrayed me and killed the other. I was all alone. I thought that by killing him I could undo what he has done, but of course that wasn’t going to happen. In fact, killing him just served to kill what was left of my soul. Imagined I would feel joyful at his death, but looking down at my blood stained hands, now cradling my dagger, I realized that my story, apparently overlooked by the almighty judge, would not be given the happy ending it deserved. With this thought in mind, I picked up my dagger, the last remnant of my, for all intents and purposes, old life. Holding it very tightly, as if someone were trying to snatch it from my cold, yet steady hand, I began to walk. To where, I don’t know. I’m hope I’ll know when I get there.

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TouchOfARose said...
Jul. 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm
This is a good excerpt, but I feel like the pace of the scene is weighed down by all the descriptions, like it's over-analyzed, and it sort of looses some of the appeal. The large block of text just jumps out at you and gets a bit too big at times if you understand, like it would be best to split it up into more easily identifiable sections.
I agree with LiteraryMastermind that there's just too much elaboration. Most of it oculd be assumed and completed through the reader's own devic... (more »)
LiteraryMastermind said...
Apr. 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm
There is almost too much description. Not that I dislike gore - but there are so much descriptors that it bogs down the pace of the story. Especially when it is all fit into one paragraph (though that could be teenink's fault). Other than pace issues, the story holds up well.
lamponater said...
Mar. 31, 2012 at 3:12 pm
Nice job. That was the most elaborate death/murder sequence I've read in a long time. Like something out of an extremely violent video game, only with more emotion and awesome description.
lamponater said...
Mar. 31, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Your description was as clear as a whistle. Nice job. I'm looking forward to reading the rest.



the_real_lamp-o-nator said...
Mar. 14, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Alright guys, I guess I'm getting good enough feedback to write the whole thing, but let me warn you: it seems like a lot of people have been getting the impression that this is a gore/horror story. It's not. I won't spoil the plot for you, and there are definitly more scenes like this in my story, (maybe even better scenes- but I don't know, it's always so hard to top your first "big thing") but that's not what it's about. If you all want, I can submit a less gory part of it and see... (more »)
lamponater replied...
Mar. 31, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Like an extremely violent video game only with more emotion and great description. Nice job.
Epiclyawesome said...
Mar. 14, 2012 at 6:48 pm That was  awesome! I'm usually not all for the gore and stuff, but you made it work. I'm really impresed with your work. You have excellent desription. Keep writing :)
CautionwetPaint said...
Mar. 14, 2012 at 7:30 am
Whoa, I've seen gory but nothing truly like that before. Your descriptions were awesome, so nice job. :) It was like I was watching every single detail of the scene on a movie screen or TV or something. The only thing that gets me is that early in the story you say you popped his heart like a water balloon, yet he was able to live along enough to feel that pain, cough, rolll on his side, and lift his arm. Granted it definitely added to the dramatic effect, but it's counter intuitive because the ... (more »)
the_real_lamp-o-nator replied...
Mar. 14, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Alright, thanks for the feedback! I'll watch for logical inconsistencies more now, thanks for letting me know.
futurenovelist1577This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 12, 2012 at 3:23 pm
Whoa...that was super intense and soo gruesome! It was like watching (even though i was reading) a scary movie! Keep it up, you could be the next R.L. jk..
the_real_lamp-o-nator replied...
Mar. 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm
I've actually never read his works, so I have no idea how serious your comment is. But, for the sake of my pride, I'll take it as a compliment.
futurenovelist1577This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 18, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Dont worry, it was a compliment!
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