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I am, I was, I will not be

I stared at the red stained carpet for only a moment, only a moment. I felt a tear try and leave my eyes but I held it back not letting myself mourn over them. I could already see the headline in the news tomorrow.
“Three people, of a family of four, are dead. They were stabbed multiple times in each of the major arteries. One was tortured. The killer is unknown, and the last, and youngest, member of the family is missing,” the new reporters would say.
“I didn’t kill them. I would never kill a person. I was innocent. Why do I feel so guilty? I had seen the killer standing over my family’s dead bodies. I had screamed and he had left, not killing me. Why didn’t he kill me?” I thought as turned away from the crimson splattered room and went to my bedroom to pack up my things. I only grabbed as much as would fit in my backpack, then I grabbed all the money I could find in the house before walking into the park behind my house. I sat on the swing set, back and forth, back and forth, rhythm going through my head as I hear sirens singing as they approached what was no longer my home.
“My house, yes, my home, no. I have no home for I have no family,” I listen to the sirens and the search of the deathly house. “I hate them, disturbing the remains of my family so terribly. I don’t care who killed what used to be my family, that person could walk up to me and tell me that they killed them and I wouldn’t freak out and try to get revenge, because my mother doesn’t exist. My father and my twin brother don’t exist. They never had, this is because they were not my family. I have no family. I am alone, a loose end in a genealogy chart. Humans have family though, I have no family. I am not human. My family is not. Only nothing can come from ‘not’, therefore I am nothing. Nothing is what I am. ’Nothing’ cannot think, then, I cannot think? No I can think, therefore I am not nothing. I am something. Something is what I am. Something has to come from something. I came from something. What is something? Nothing. Something is nothing. I am both something and nothing.” All that these thoughts had done were confuse me. I stood up from the swing and began to leave the park slowly.
“I am a human. My cells and my genes say so. I am not a fish. My mother was not a fish. What is it with these fish?” I stop mid-step in realization, “My mother was not a fish because I have no mother. But everything has to come from something.” My thoughts decided that my brain was too confused to stay in so they escaped through my mouth.
“Where did I come from?” I said to myself. I knew that this was one of the age old philosophically debated topics but at the moment I didn’t care. My thoughts were going in circles and fish were invading them too much for me to think straight. I looked at where I was and saw the library in front of me. I walked up to the librarian and cleared my throat. She glanced down at me in confusion.
“My mother is a fish?” I asked her. She lifted her eyebrows before standing and gesturing for me to follow her into the forest of bookshelves. She handed me an old worn book before returning to her desk. I looked at the cover. As I Lay Dying was the title. I opened the book to a random page and read, “My mother is a fish.” I read and reread that chapter in curiosity. That was the entire chapter. I smiled as I went to the beginning and read the book. When I read the last page I felt like I had discovered something.
“My mother and father and brother are ‘not’, but they ‘were’. I am, I was and I will be. My home was, but it is not and it will not be,” I stood up and returned the book to its place on the shelf before walking out of the library. “I am, I was, and I will,” I stopped that thought, “My family was, my home was. I was, but I am and I will be,” I looked out into the dark street, “I must be ‘not’, but I must be ‘was’. I was.” I smiled as I realized how I could see my family again. I walked over to the small fountain next to the library and lied down in the water, being careful to hit my head. Five minutes passed. I am not, I will be not, I was.




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