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You know what hurts? Knowing that by trying to help, you messed everything up.
Sitting there in pajamas, the reality of my actions set in. I probably just ruined three relationships at one. There was Nick and Mackenzie, not meant to be, Tj and Sarah, the annoying a**holes, and then Conor and Lauren, the two with the most problems.
Getting yelled at by six different people at once isn't fun, you know? Especially when you're so sensitive, you've been tossed aside, bullied since a young age, hated on by possibly everyone in your pathetic school.
I didn't know what to do. Laying under the covers of my bed, choking back tear after tear, feeling the pain of everyone I hurt all at once.
Vain, stupidity, denial. I picked up my phone, punched in Lauren's number, and called. I hear the rings, one, two, three, finally she picked up.
Then came the explanation of everything I did.
"I didn't mean it.. I didn't know Nick would fall for me," I paused for a breath of air. "I didn't know I'd hurt Mackenzie. I didn't know I'd make Conor dislike you. I didn't know by telling Sarah what she wanted to know I'd make TJ hate me. I didn't know.. I promise.."
"Maybe you should use your brain, huh? Maybe you shouldn't get so involved with everyone else huh? You're pathetic."
I told a gulp of air. I couldn't hold in the tears. The pain.
Tears poured out like water in a bucket with a hole. The bucket was me, the hole was my pain, and the water was me finally letting it out.
I exploded. I broke. The strength I had was gone.
In minutes I was hyperventilating, crying harder then I've ever cried before. Struggling to breathe, to speak, to stop crying.
You know that moment, that one moment when you think, 'it would be so much better without me being born', that type of moment? Yeah, that was me. For about an hour. Emotional reck. I felt the pain, the suffering all of my friends have felt from me one point in their life.
I couldn't bare it.
It was literally a life changing moment.
Feeling like an a**hole isn't good.