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Barely Exsisting

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I look into my mirror. What I find is lack of hope and fear. I see no reflection. It has faded away. I am so lost inside my soul and that is where I must stay. I fall back on my bed and stare into nowhere land. He is finally gone, no longer to hurt me. Carter Davis has finally gone to prison. I look at my arm and count all the flaws on my skin. All the bruises like scribbles from a child’s first art experiment, still there. All the cuts, scars, and the pain still remain as vivid as my memories. I close my eyes and take a deep uneasy breath. I feel so unsafe; even in my own house. This was the first place where he abused me. After two weeks of dating everything seemed almost like a fairy tale. Almost. The scene is so realistic to me. It is constantly playing through my mind as if the recorder is broken. It won’t stop, no matter how much I beg. I remember him calling me many names. He was outraged because he didn’t make the swim team.

“Everything will be alright.” I said trying to comfort him

“Don’t lie to me Paisley. We all know everything won’t be.” He dug his nails into my scalp and tugged as hard as he could at my hair, it felt as if my scalp had been scalded by boiling water. He took my wrist and squeezed it until it started to turn a light shade of blue. His eyes looked bright yellow, full with anger and fury. He pulled me up against the wall and punched me 5 times. I was terrified; this was a side of him I never saw before. His cell phone started to ring and he let me fall. He was a beast at bay ready to set fire. He backed away and ran at the realization of what he had just done. Eventually I forgave him like I always did, but each time the beatings and the pain would just get worse.

The loud crashing of thunder struck me back into reality. I took fast short breaths. I glanced at the clock, 5:00 P.M. exactly. No one would be home for another hour. The pouring rain was so intense tonight. I rolled off my bed and headed down the stairs. Each step I took, the stairs creaked, irritating me more than ever. I crept into the kitchen and tripped over my immense golden lab who slowly got up and walked away, leaving me to lie on the ground. He never really liked me. I guess I have that effect on everybody. I stayed on the floor too weak to get up. I started to cry. It’s times like these where I wish I had a father that cared enough to be around. I wish he would just wrap me in his arms and let me weep until there were no longer any tears to be cried. Of course that was too much to ask for. I laid there and sobbed. Tears fell from my eyes like sharp razor blades piercing my pure white skin. I felt so much pain; it was unbearable. My heart could never be repaired. As I laid here I realize I have seen this before. But where? Oh right, Carter. In my mind if he were here, it would be like live action role playing.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I whispered while crying softly. He slowly took the knife out of my side that he had thrusted in there moments earlier. I winced. He wouldn’t respond. I tried to stay strong. I weakly got up and faced him, ignoring the blood staining my lovely white shirt. I was done with this. I wanted this to end.
“What is wrong with you!?” He screamed shoving me to the ground. He took my mother’s long white vase and threw it at the wall; the five red roses hit the floor, spiraling carelessly to the ground. He let out a loud scream. I closed my eyes hoping he would just leave. Under my breath I begged God to protect me. Eventually, Carter left without saying a word. I was the victim of his abuse for the fifth time now. It all was so unreal. This would be the day I finally told someone about what has been transpiring.

I shook my head, urging my inner mind to reality, and got up. I felt the scar, still there on my side, reminding me of the hell I’ve been through. I wipe the salt like tears from my face and look outside. Rain, my favorite. I opened the door and walked outside. The rain on my face felt so fantastic against my burning and swollen face. I walked further into my yard. A streak of light was out in the distance, the lightning is so surreal, like colors dancing in the night.
I haven’t talked about what has happened to me yet, at least not the details. All the secrets and emotions keep building up inside of me, like water rushing against a dam just asking to break free. I can’t hold it in much longer, or I might just vanish into midair. I scream but my frustrations made me weary. Standing outside in this storm, I wish the wind would take me away from here, while my screams are hidden by the thunder. I just can’t do this anymore. I start to bawl. I miss Carter so much. No matter how much I despised Carter for what he did to me; there was a part of me that loved him. He was my first love. I remember our fifth date. It was my favorite memory with him. We were at the bay, sitting on the dock with not a care in the world. It was sunset, the marvelous sunset. He nudged my shoulder, and I of course nudged back and smiled. He grabbed my hand and kept it in his possession. For moments we sat in silence.
“You know, the first time I laid eyes upon you I became breathless and speechless. You were so beautiful. I knew right from that moment that we were destined to be…” he started to say, but he never finished the sentence.
“No you didn’t.” I said laughing
“I did so! I still wonder, how did a guy like me end up with a beauty like you?” I stayed silent but the smile on my face seemed to answer his question. He leaned in and kissed me. He just looked at me and I hugged him. This may sound cheesy but my paradise existed when I was in his arms. He completed me. The pounding of thunder awoke me from my dream, and shattered my eardrums. I should get back inside I thought to myself. I turned around and started to head inside. A flash of light, a bolt of energy takes over my body. I collapse. I am struck by lightning. I gasp for air but I can’t seem to take it in. My heart is beating so fast. I can’t seem to take it. The pain rushes over my body until I can feel it no more. My body has gone completely numb. I slowly close my eyes knowing I am going to die. This is my fate and there is no escaping that. I seem to be invisible, like I no longer exist. I can see my body vanishing right in front of my eyes. I am barely existing. It’s unbelievable. I stop breathing and lay there weakly. My lungs start to burn up from the lack of oxygen. Deep down inside I am ready, but this pain is too much. I can’t bear it much longer. I take my last and final breath. My heart beat gets slower each second. Slowly everything becomes blurry and I am unaware of all my surroundings.



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