The Saddest Reason to Say Goodbye

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Dear Stephen,


I still remember the exact moment I fell in love with you. You were the infamous hot senior, captain of the swim team, and girls absolutely adored you. I was the nothing-special little junior, who happened to sit next to you in physics. I thought you were gorgeous but as the year slowly went on we became really close and I got comfortable with you. We were school friends and that is how I thought of you for the longest time. You shuffled your way into physics one day and you looked depressed. I knew something was up so out of curiosity I asked what happened. I still remember the exact words you said to me.


“Today is April 12th. That makes it two years since my best friend died of pancreatic cancer. I thought it’d get easier with time, but I feel like it hurts more. It just sucks because sometimes I feel like I forget about him.” Stunned at your response I stared directly in your eyes and I noticed droplets forming in the corners. I did not say a word when we locked eyes. You looked away and fumbled in your book bag. I had never seen you so vulnerable and instantly I never wanted you as much as I did in that one second. I thought about you a lot after that and secretly wished you felt that connection, that one spark I believed in.


When my mind wonders I always find myself going back to the memory of when you had first met my parents. They couldn’t stand you.

“This was the worst damn weekend of my entire life. I’m sorry but I’m never stepping foot in that house again,” you told me as you threw our suitcases into the trunk.

“It was not that bad. Relax.” I tried to comfort you because I sensed disappointment by the tone of your voice. My parents always thought no guy was ever good enough for me.

“They hate me and everyone hates me. Soon you’re gonna realize you hate me too,” you said looking down at the pavement.

“I’m not everyone. I don’t care what my parents say, or anyone else. It’s you and me, forever.” Like a gushy love scene, you kissed my forehead. We made the eight-hour drive home that night in the pouring rain. I just find it surprising now because they’re almost as crazy about you as I am. I’m just a little sad they didn’t see it sooner.


Stephen, I had meant every word I said when I asked you to leave yesterday. You’re clingy, annoy me, and spray too much Axe. You’re cocky sometimes and you never know what to say at the right time. You think its okay to sing every song that plays on the radio even when you know you’re a terrible singer. I’m so gullible and you completely take advantage of that way too much. I may have overreacted and maybe throwing all my household objects at you wasn’t okay. We both know I’m an angry person and we both know why I do the things I do. Although, I may have meant all these harsh words, I’m painfully in love with you. I had never denied my love for you and I promise you I never will. But, I’m so sorry you fell in love with me.


I’m writing this to tell you the real reason why I had forced you out of my life. It is not because all the little things you do tick me off. I want you to let go of me and take the opportunity to find someone else, someone who isn’t going to break your heart into pieces. Do not waste your time on hospital trips with me anymore and praying to God I’m still alive in the morning. When it comes down to it I’ll be gone anyway, but your life still needs to move on. You’re going to spend your days wondering why the world had to take me away. I’ve done enough thinking for the both of us. You still have a purpose and journey left on this Earth, even though I no longer do.


When I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I was so afraid of breaking it to you the most. You tell me everyday that I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. It took a long time to finally grow the courage and say that I only had a few months to live. Because I knew what it had done to you when you lost your best friend and it didn’t feel fair to do that again. So please do me the favor of leaving. I find it hard to believe that the reason I had fallen in love with you, is the reason I’ve fallen apart. In my past years I have come to realize that you are the saddest reason to say goodbye.











Love Always,


Sarah Marie





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Ainsley S. said...
May 11, 2012 at 2:44 pm
this was really* good. i almsot cried. <3
 
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