Forever and Always

Dear Sky,

I don’t think there has been such a drawn out time in my life before. The days drag by slowly. Night is even worse. It’s as if each second is an hour, and each hour is a day. I don’t sleep anymore, Sky. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through. I miss you.

We went to your funeral yesterday. I don’t remember much. Just people talking and talking and talking. It seemed to take forever before we finally got to leave. I didn’t want to go up and look at you. I don’t want to remember you like that. Your blue eyes wouldn’t be the same as before. Your light blonde hair wouldn’t complement your perfectly light complexion anymore.

Half way through I started crying. Just a little at first. I tried to hold back. I couldn’t though. Before long it seemed as if I couldn’t cry hard enough. The pain ripped out of my chest, my heart, through my sobs. All I remember after that is putting a tear stained paper into the casket. I didn’t look in as I put the paper down, though. It’s stupid, I know. But I wrote the lyrics to our song on it.

I remember the day we first heard it. We were sitting in your room. You had your pencils out, as always, while we talked and sang along to the radio. I remember what you were drawing, too. A horse. Go figure. The song came on and we both just listened. The words echo through my head now.
“When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, Ima stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella“

I remember how when it was done, you turned and smiled. “That’s our song.”

By the time the song ended, you were adding the last details to the picture. A streak of gold in the light mane. A shine to the flank. More shadow cast by a tree. You smiled and gave it to me as you told me that it was mine. I just beamed like an idiot, looking at the chestnut horse. “Sky, it looks just like her.” I congratulated. You just looked down, letting your hair fall over your face in that shy familiar way.

You always refused to acknowledge any complement. Well, except for when it came to your riding skills. You never failed to rise perfectly at the exact right moment in the trot, and then land perfectly. Your two point position was beyond great. I remember how you could count Lilly’s strides without even thinking. That’s probably why you hardly ever missed the fences. You always soared effortlessly over them.

I remember one day, six or seven years ago. I had just moved here. It was the day we became best friends. You told me it felt like Lilly was the only one who understood you sometimes. She was the only one you could talk to. I looked at the big horse, wondering what was wrong with your brain, but I laughed. “You can talk to me, I’ll always listen. I promise.” I told you. You tilted your head and looked at me. You didn’t say anything. You didn’t need to; your smile said it all.

You always smiled. I look back now wishing that I could have been more like you. Honest, and pretty. Shy and a natural comforter. You were always the perfect one, Sky. I miss that. You never did anything wrong. Maybe that’s why we were best friends. Your overly perfect ways made up for everything I lacked.

I really don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I just need to pretend I’m talking to you. Today was worse than all the rest combined. I found out your parents are getting divorce. It broke the last pieces of my heart that remained. They were always happy, just like you. They’re probably where you inherited your perfectness from.

Then your mom asked me to help paint your room. A realtor is going to come see it next week, Sky. She’s going to walk into your house. The one you loved and lived in for fifteen years. She going to go through like she knows everything about it, judging it. Judging you.

I couldn’t do it. At first I said yes. It would help me get over you, my mom had said, but as soon as I walked into the room with the bright yellow paint and permanent marker all over the walls, all I could think of is how much those walls meant to you. The white paint seemed so dark and ugly. Covering up all that sunshiney yellow would be like covering up your personality. Covering up who you were and what your amazing life was about.

I dropped the can and paintbrush and ran. I realized I would never be able to read those walls again. All the lyrics you had written, all the thoughts. That one place, by your closet where you managed to scribble out the words to our song, I could never look at it again. It would be covered by emotionless white paint.

All the sleepovers, all the days spent laying around your room laughing, I remember looking at all the words, all the letters. It was like reading your emotions. I think of our first day of high school. You had rushed in and written “and it’s so different, so new, but it’s worth a try because you never know what’s behind door number two”

Your thoughts and writings were always like that. Incomplete. Making sense only to you, and sometimes to me. No one else could ever decipher what you meant. I remember when Bobby hit you. You laid on your bed, thinking for hours while I tried to talk you into breaking up with him. You got up and drew two dots on the wall, suddenly. Then you added a frown. And then a teardrop. It was a face crying.

You broke up with him the next day. You walked into your room, threw your bag down and drew an arrow from the sad face to an empty spot. Then you drew a smiley face. Do you remember, Sky? Those walls meant so much to you. I hate the realtor’s guts. I tried hating your parents, too. How could they do that? They meant everything to you, and then they decide to just throw it all away? But I couldn’t. They remind me of you, and hating them would be almost as bad as hating you.

I cant believe how much has changed, Sky. Why did you have to leave us? I know they say only the good die young, and now I know it’s true, but why did it have to be you? If only you could have not walked home on your own from the library. If only it hadn’t been dark. If only I had been with you. Then maybe that truck would have seen you. Or you had been able to see it, before it was too late.

Your mom cried when you didn’t come home that night. She was so scared. Your dad, too. I remember how I had that bad feeling in my stomach. I knew something had happened. That was the first of my sleepless nights. When the phone rang at almost eleven, I knew I was about to get bad news. Your mom wanted us to come over. The police were there. I was so scared.

Your dad was going to sell Lilly, Sky. I know you loved her so much. I’ve never been crazy about horses like you were, but I knew you would never want to get rid of her. If you were here you would never stand for this. So now I guess she’s mine. Your dad immediately said yes when I asked for her. He seemed almost relieved. My mom thought it was a good idea. More of her healing process crap.

Sky, I now you’ll be proud to know that Lilly misses you. When my mom drops me off at the stable every morning, she perks her ears and nuzzles me, but keeps looking for you. She’s really uneasy, Sky. She needs you. Whenever I let her out to pasture, she just runs along the fence whinnying. I love her so much, now. I promise I’ll always take good care of her, Sky. I promise.

I remember how you told me she always loved to be scratched right under her crest. I do that a lot now. I think she actually calms down for a bit when I do. Every time I feel the heat that builds under her mane I think of that winter two years ago. The one when we were sitting in the hay loft freezing our butts off while we dropped hay to the horses below. My hands were icy because I had forgotten my gloves, so you climbed down and showed me how to slide them under Lilly’s mane where the heat always built up.

Sky, I love you. I will never have another friend like you. I don’t know how Lilly and I are going to make it through without you. I’m not sure where your parents will go from here. But I do know I’ll never forget you. I’ll always take care of Lilly, in the same ways you showed me. I’ll always be kind to sick puppies on the side of the road, and homeless kittens because I know that’s what you would have done.

I swear that I’ll never yell at a little kid. I know you would never do it. I will always live on for you, Sky. I’ll think of you all the time, and smile when I do. I’ll remember who you were, and how through everyday simple acts you made this world better. My children and grandchildren will hear the story of us, Sky. I promise.

When I ran home today after leaving your house, I ran to my room. I ripped the drawers out of my desk and emptied them. I cried. I cried hard, while searching, half blind, through the pile of stuff. Then I found one. Taking the black Sharpie in my trembling hand, I put it to my wall.

‘I miss you, Sky’

That’s all I wrote. Simple, yet true- I miss you, Sky.






Forever and Always,



Kaia