They Call me Crazy

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People don't know what its like when you can't speak. Can't speak up, can't speak out, plain can't speak at all. The only way I communicate is thru writing and drawing yet still they call me crazy. Because of how I act, and because of what I draw, they think I have lost my mind as well as my voice. People tell me I will never be able to live in the business world because I never learned to sign. I can understand sign language, but my hands just can't remember all the words. I am still trying though. My mom signed me up for therapy the other day to help me talk, but I am nervous. I want it to work, but I don't want them to see me as a freak for even going to these classes. I think I'm going to give it a try, because writing everything down isn't working so well. It works fine with my family but, like I said, now they call me crazy. And I don't suppose they are going to stop anytime soon.

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Today was my first day in speech therapy. I got asessed and we did a few exercies. I said three or four words that she wanted me to say but for the most part, I couldn't speak. It was just too hard. I feel bad that I didn't try harder. I mean I tried but...the words just wouldn't come. All that would come out is a squeek or a grunt. I feel like I am crazy sometimes. I mean, how can someone that is 14 still not be able to talk around people. I can talk when I'm alone but around people I just freeze up...Sometimes when I'm in my room alone at night, I'll whisper to myself. Just little stories I memorized over the years but its words. And I think if I can just talk to my family, maybe I can talk to normal people too. But I haven't been able to do that yet. I'm so close though! I hate seeing my mom cry some nights because I won't say Goodnight to her, because I won't say I Love You. I've said it too few precious times. It's time I start speaking.

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I have been going to speech therapy for 4 or 5 weeks now. Little by little I have been saying more and more words. I go in again today and I think I am finally ready to talk to my mom. Me and her walk into the room and we sit down, her in a chair in a corner, me in front of a desk with speech cards on it. Behind the desk my therapist asks me if I would like to start. I nod and speech therapy continues. She is impressed with how many words I say. I'm still not saying all of them though, I want mom to be surprised. At the end of the session as she is saying goodbye I hold up my hand. All eyes in the room look to me. I take a deep breath and with a slight smile I say, "I love you mom. I'm sorry I never talked...I'm sorry I was scared." My mom just stood there for a second, then she ran to me and started to cry. "Oh sweetie, its so good to hear your voice! I miss hearing you so much. Never stop talking for me OK Baby? *Sniff* Oh my God, I love you so much Katie. Come here, come here." At that point I was in tears too. The therapist was nice and let us stay in there hugging for a while. When we left, and got into the car, I looked to my mom and smiled. I said, "They used to call me crazy. But they can't call me that anymore can they?" She hugged me and replied, "No, they can't. Not now that you proved them wrong."

The rest of that week I continued talking little by little to my mom and dad, and baby sister. They were all so pround of me. And now that I am beginning to talk in school, they still call me crazy. They say: If you could talk this whole time, then why didn't you? But I don't care anymore. As long as I can keep on telling them it was because I was scared.





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