Inside A Suicides Mind

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I was sitting on my bed thinking about all the reasons I should do it. I tried thinking about why I shouldn’t but I always come back to why I should. I wanted to, I was so wanting to. But at the same time I don’t want to. I mean everything I was thinking points to my doing it, and I would think, “I’ll do it.” But I can’t bring myself to do it. It used to go through my head before, but I never came this close to doing it. “It’s not that big a deal.” That’s what I would think. I mean it really isn’t; no one would mind. They’d probably just shrug their shoulders and forget about it. I mean because no one really cares now do they?

People always say they care, they say that they’ll always be there to listen to what’s wrong, but once you start talking about it they change the subject. No, they don’t do it right away, but after a little while they slowly change the subject to something else. For me, I wouldn’t change the subject tell my friend changes it; tell I know that they are ready to talk about something else.
So here I am thinking about all the reasons as to why I should do it. If I did it would give people a message about how they should care more or at least do a better job at showing it. So here I am, sitting on my bed in my room all alone. I hate being alone. I used to feel alone before, but then I got married and I didn’t feel alone anymore. For years my life was wonderful and full of so much happiness. I don’t understand how I got back here. Life was so great, how did it go strait down hill? I guess you just really have to pay attention to who your friends are. So here I am, feeling the way I used to, feeling so alone. When I feel alone it makes me really sad, and then when I feel alone while being alone it makes me sadder then usual. Which is probably why I’m sitting here right now. It’s probably why I’m actually going to do it. I just need to bring myself to do it and stop just staring down the barrel of a 45.

That was probably a shocker huh? Well it is for me as well. I have never come this close to doing this. I’ve felt depressed before, but never this bad. I want to do this so bad. But I’m really not that big on suicide. The reason is because I know the impact it leaves on people. But I also understand the need to get rid of the aching pain. People who don’t like or understand suicide get too bent about it. When someone is about to commit suicide they are more then likely thinking about their friends and family. They are not killing themselves just to p*** people off or hurt the people they care about; but to get rid of that horrible pain that they feel. People who don’t like suicide shouldn’t get so bent about it because they are not feeling the pain that the suicidal is feeling.

I say this only out of experience, for the only reason that I’m hesitating is because I know the impact it leaves of people. But at the same time, with all this pain I’m feeling it’s hard to truly believe that people would really care. Because there’s so many signs that people give to prove that they don’t care.
Isn’t that just wrong? I mean your friends or family act and show that they don’t care, but then when someone commits suicide they get all but hurt and upset about it. Well if they really did care, why didn’t they show it in the first place?

Sometimes I wish that one of my friends, family, or my husband would come barging in take the gun and prove to me that every one of my friends and family do care. But that won’t ever happen because no one pays enough attention to really see and know how depressed someone is. Sure they’ll ask how you’re doing or if you’re okay and even though you’re totally and completely depressed, you still say your okay. But you always say it in a sad tone trying to see if your friend or family will notice how sad you truly are, but they never do. Once you say your okay, even if you’re completely lying, they will leave it at that and go on about something else. I’m sorry but if they truly cared shouldn’t they be able to tell when you’re sad? Or do they notice but just don’t want to deal with it? And if that’s the case then that right there shows how much they don’t care. Because if your friend cared they would keep asking what’s wrong and even if you don’t talk they should always point out how they are there for you and every so often ask again if you’re ready to talk. But if they don’t show how they care and they just ignore how sad you are then their not your friend and should not get but hurt if you commit suicide because they weren’t there to help you when you needed it most.

I would bet that all of you that don’t understand suicide are thinking that your great friends and always show how much you care. Well obviously not. Because honestly if you where really showing how you truly cared about your friend then your friend wouldn’t have committed suicide. Not to blame it all on you guys but you all know it’s true. See when someone is ready to commit suicide it is very hard for them to see that their friends care because they have gotten so many signs that their friends don’t care. So what the friends should do is try harder if they really care. But the issue is that the friends get so but hurt about how they are being “accused” about not caring that they just give up and actually stop caring. And that right there is the proof I’m talking about. That’s the proof that a suicidal person needs to say “Well I was right,” and go on to committing suicide. When a friend gives up on trying to help their friend in need that’s them saying, “I’m over it,” or in other words, “I don’t care any more.” Because if they still cared they wouldn’t give up. Sure you could be trying to argue by saying how you do care and that it was just that you got tired of trying. Let’s emphasize the tired in that sentence. Do you see the problem with that sentence? Have you realized what you’re saying yet? That’s just another sentence saying, “I don’t care.” And the reason is because if you cared then you wouldn’t get tired of helping your friend in need. And sure you could argue that there are pills for people who are depressed. But not everyone wants to take drugs to make them feel better. Not everyone wants to take pills that have more side affects then what its worth. And yeah sure some people are so depressed that there really isn’t much that you can do. But that doesn’t mean that you should give up. Because you never know, you may think that your friend is so depressed that they would never come back from it, but if you keep trying to prove that you care then your friend will come back. Like I said you just never know. And that is why you should always keep trying to prove that you care.

But hey I’m just a suicidal person, what do I know?

So I’m staring down this gun that’s sitting in my hand ready to finally pull this trigger. I look at my door one last time, nothing, no one. I look back down at my gun; my vision is getting blurry from all my tears. I start pulling the gun to my head and then…





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This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

afterglow said...
Aug. 27, 2011 at 1:48 pm
This was an intense article and written from truth. Having gone thru being suicidal myself I could not have said it better. Your words at the end there, those last two paragraphs really had an impact on me. Not many people think about what we are feeling and, while what you said is true, i do have one thing you might want to add for next time. A lot of people don't understand that suicidal people are so fed up with failing themselves and other people, that one more failure or upset would be disa... (more »)
 
KaiyaJ This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Aug. 27, 2011 at 9:18 pm
Thank you. Yes i know what your talking about. And i had thought about it of course after i finished and just never got around to adding it. It means a lot with what you said about it being true because thats what i was really hoping for, because i wont lie the thought has gone through my mind once or twice.
 
KaiyaJ This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 25, 2011 at 1:37 am
Thanks, that's what I was shooting for. I'm glad you like it.
 
andromeda13 said...
Aug. 24, 2011 at 6:30 pm
omg. . . wow. . . that was amazing. you really made this person seem so real.
 
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