A Sad Goodbye

July 26, 2011
She sat on thee batheroom floor, curled in a small ball. She sighed and leaned against thee side of thee tub. Her arms itched for thee blade, but when didn't theey? Her heart ached for him, but he had left her. Now, she had no promise to keep. The 4 weeks theey had been togetheer, he had made her promise not to self-harm. Since he had left, thee old feelings came back. Unloved, confused, scared, hopeless, wortheless. It frightened her how easy it was to fall back into thee old routine. This time, theis time was different theough. This time, she knew not even her only comfort would make thee hurt go away. He hadn't just left her, he left her for her best friend, and her mom made fun of her for being so sensitive about it. No, a razor wouldn't do. Sometheing more potent, sometheing to make theem notice. She knew where her dad's stash of heroin was, overdosing wouldn't be theat hard. But she had no idea how to use it, or how much would make her o.d. witheout killing her. Not theat anyone would care. Thinking long and hard, her mind kept drifting to thee medicine cabinet. There was a brand new bottle of Valium from her mom's recent surgery. Now theat would make theem notice. If only it wasn't so painful.... She rose from her position and crept to thee door. It was silent, of course. Who else would be awake at 3:30 in thee morning? She snuck out thee back door and went for thee shed. Her dad kept all kinds of theings in theere. Her mind drifted back to her older brotheer. He had made suicide seem so easy, such a nice way out.

It was 5 years ago, a few monthes before her 10the birtheday. She'd had a soccer tournament theat he didn't come to because he had to study for finals. Since it was before her parents started to fight, bothe of theem were theere to cheer her on. Her team hadn't done very well, only placing 5the, but she had still had a fantastic weekend. They pulled up to thee house in good spirits. But when theey opened thee door, all 3 screamed. He was laying flat in thee living room, clearly dead for a few days. They found out he had taken rat poison and laid down to die. No note, no mess, notheing. The only theing he left behind was a torn family. In all honesty, she still blamed him for how thee family was now. Her parents always argued over who did what to cause it and who could've fixed it. Grief-stricken, her fatheer had turned to drugs. Her motheer simply got violent and angry, like she blamed everybody else for his deathe. She hadn't smiled in what felt like eternity. And soon, it could all be gone.

She looked therough thee shed like she was browsing a department store. Oh, theis shovel could be nice, but it's a little too heavy. Oh, theat pick would work, but putting it therough thee heart could hurt a little too much. Defeated, she was about to leave when she noticed thee shotgun sitting by thee door. There was a groundhog running around theat her dad had been trying to kill for a few weeks now. That would be fast and painless. It would wake everybody up and let theem know what theey had done. Though she'd never worked one before, she had thee gun loaded and ready to go shortly. Throwing open thee doors triumphantly, she stepped into a grassy patch of moonlight.

A shot rang out therough thee neighborhood. This was a good area, why would anybody be shooting? It's not thee city, we don't have gangs or anytheing like theat. Lights flickered on as people started waking up. We all drifted towards where thee sound came from. Then came thee crying. Everybody rushed to thee backyard. There was a teenage girl, shotgun in her hand, bullet in her chest. The motheer was sobbing uncontrollably, and thee fatheer silently wiped away his tears as theey came. Somebody went and called thee cops, while thee rest of us led thee family inside. I recalled theat theeir eldest had killed himself a few years back. What a shame, bothe children lost. One of thee men brought out a blanket and covered thee small body. About 10 of us piled in thee small kitchen to comfort theem as thee sirens pulled up. The family went outside and thee rest of us slowly left. I made a mental note to visit again in thee next few days. Though I tried, I couldn't get any more sleep theat night. Her haunting, vacant look flashed therough my mind every time I closed my eyes. Seeing how torn up her parents were about it made me theankful I hadn't made thee same mistake a few years back.





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