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Teddy

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Teddy,
I should have seen it coming. I should have known that it was inevitable. I should have proceeded with caution. I should have been worried. Oh, why didn’t I know? The words fell hard and fast- they stabbed me from the inside, twisted my heart and spat on my face. Oh, I should have known. Forgive me if my words upset you; forgive me if this comes down too hard. Forgive me, Teddy. But I should have known. You know, to me it was just another day. I woke up, I saw the blue sky. I heard the birds singing their melodies. I drank 3 cups of coffee- yes; I know I have a problem.
Anyways, Teddy, it was just another day for me. It was another day of breath, another day of you, and another day of us. I went to school, ate a breakfast burrito, danced in the mirror, sang along to the radio, and checked my facebook. Teddy, it was just another day for me. But you, what was it for you? I wish I knew. I should have known Teddy, I should have known. I imagine that your day was the same as usually. You probably woke up, avoiding doing homework, played your ridiculous video games, watched your pathetic soap operas-yes, I know about them. I am sorry. I am trying to be civil, I swear.
But it is hard, Teddy, I should have known. I remember the last time I saw you, the last time we talked, the last time we touched. I held your hand, we laughed as we watched an “I Love Lucy” rerun, we ate an amazing apple pie. Didn’t you have fun? Didn’t you love me, Teddy? I should have known, oh Teddy, I should have known. I don’t know why I am writing this letter.. It’s not like you would care. But, they say that I should write this letter, they say it is important to express myself. Damn it, Teddy, I don’t want to express myself. Not over this, not right now. How could you? I suppose, I should have known Teddy, I should have known. Remember when we were kids, and our parents told us that we were going to get married when we got older? You remember how we laughed about it? Do you!? I am sorry for being so angry; I suppose I have a lot I need to fix about myself. I am sorry, but now we can never get married, can we?
I should have known; I know I should have known. I guess I am writing this to you. I guess I just wanted you to know how I feel, or maybe I don’t. Oh, heaven only knows. I know God knows. God sure does know how my heart beats for you. He is aware of it, and only Him. But then again, He is God Almighty, what doesn’t He know? Right? At least that is what I am told. I do love you though, I really do love you. I can’t understand it, and I hate this feeling. It is like the depths of my soul are crying to be saved, and they can’t be, they can never be saved. If only the world could shoot me instead, just take its big old stupid gun and shoot me in the face. Oh, how I would plead for that instead. But, broken hearts? Oh the world could do without them, don’t you think? You should know, I am sure you already know this, I am sure you already know how this feels. Okay, maybe not exactly, but I am sure you have a pretty good idea. I just do not understand, I wish I knew the answers for love, the answers for pain, the answers for sufferings, but all I am given are endless questions. And I am really beginning to hate the questions. They eat me from the inside out and pull apart my soul, my breath, my every happiness. I wish I could use that gun again, you know, the world’s gun, and shoot the hell out of the questions. I guess I am starting to ramble, I guess none of this is really making sense. I guess I don’t know what to say, except that I love you, my heart is so deeply broken, and I should have known.
I will beat myself up for not seeing this coming, I should have known. When my mom sat me down last week and told me she had news, I thought that my uncle died, or something, I never thought it would be about this. But, when those words leaked out of her crusted mouth, I cried. I wept, do you care? Does that bother you? And how could you have let my mother tell me! My mother? Really, grow up will you? Again, I am doing it again, I am being so terrible. I really do apologize, I should have known. I know I should have known. I guess this is my entire fault; at least I share a large part of the blame. I should have known; I should have known that you would kill yourself.
Katie



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