I’m sitting across from a rehab reject, or at least that’s what she looks like to me, ok that was a little mean, I’m sorry today is not a good day for me…to be honest it’s not even a horrible day. Today, it feels as if something dark looms over me, I don’t know why I feel so lost, I feel so…empty. Adolescence can be a cruel time, I mean it can be wonderful and give you the most wonderful kind of high, one that does not require drugs, but I suppose what comes up must come down. I mean the laws of physics are a bit rusty on me, so pardon me if I screw this up, we are held down by gravity, but today it seems not only gravity but a two ton boulder is holding me down, my chest is caving in, my breath is being cut short, and I want it to stop…no I need it to stop. I suppose I’m writing this because I want everyone to know its ok for us to feel a little lost, it’s ok for us to scream in frustration, because I think maybe the only way for us to stay sane…is to act a little insane. I mean here we are 16, 17, 18 all of us just sitting in class trying to get by, trying to find ourselves, but at the same time we are being told, “ You are the future! Save us! How are you going to handle this? Save the economy! Clean your room!” Well guess what we know! God do we know! I mean I can barely keep up appearances and act normal with my friends, acting ok, acting sane, and now you want me to fix the country? You want me to have solutions for this country, even though I can’t seem to even figure out my calculus problem? You want me to play grown- up? …well guess what, I don’t know how, I’m not quite yet ready. Sadly surprise, surprise I still need you, I still need you to teach me some things, I need you to hold my hand a little longer, and I can’t help but feel guilty for feeling this way. I can’t help but feel like a screw up because I’m not quite prepared as you want me to be, as you need me to be. All of us teens, adults, leaders feel this way sometimes…sometimes we need someone in our corner to throw us a life raft in order to save us from the sea of despair. I want everyone to know this, it’s ok, not to be ok. It’s ok to be just a little lost and a little scared, when we feel like we’re failing, it’s ok to want to hide. The thing you must remember though is…don’t hide, don’t run, because when you run, well nothing is solved at all. Sometimes it’s hard to admit to the people around, maybe even ourselves, that something is wrong, that we are unprepared, and that we are scared. Don’t hide the cracks in your mask, because if you do…well how will the people who care for you know when to lend you a bit of glue? If you can never admit that you’re lost well how you could possibly know how to find your way back? The only reason I know its ok, is because someone once told me it was ok. It was an especially hard, being precluded by a hard week; I had failed a test, burned my finger, and fought with the one person who was in my corner. Lately I had felt so lost but after a hard week, and an especially hard day, you were at my doorstep and you held me close. You held me tight, even as I fought to pull away; you held me close, and whispered over and over again, “its ok. It’s ok. Just let it go, just cry for a little bit” I did. I screamed, and I cried into your chest…and suddenly the boulder that was on my chest was gone, suddenly I was ok to go back into the world and try my best to make it better. All because you taught me it was ok, to let go, to show that I maybe wasn’t ok. You are no longer in my corner to show me that lesson, which is maybe why it is so hard for me to remember it, but some days I do remember, and sometimes I can push that boulder off of me, even if it is just for a second. Not everyone has been told this, not everyone can admit to these feelings, but that’s why I’m sharing, that’s why I am writing, because I want to be that one to throw out that life raft, I want to be the one with the glue stick…even if it is in a small way. Until next time.
Warning: Future Ahead, Be Aware of Frustration
February 8, 2011