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Defying Earth

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There were times when the whole world felt like it was balanced on her shoulders. And if she would take the wrong step, shift her weight in the wrong direction; Earth would go spinning out of control. Sometimes little things would trigger the feeling, sometimes a gradual buildup of many different things. Whatever the case, she couldn't stand the weight. There was only one thing that could free her from her heavy burden. Running.

Through good times and bad, the knowledge that she could run it all off helped her cope. Angrily tying her laces, pulling on a t-shirt through her tears, she would hurriedly get changed. And then, right when she was about to burst, she would be running, taking her anger out on the innocent pavement with every thud of her sneakered feet. The tears would flow fast and easy, almost competing with her legs. The wind would slap against her face, trying to defy her like the rest of the world, but she would force her way past, because she had to. Because if she didn't, the whole world would come crashing down. Her whole world.

As her breaths would become faster, her tears would slow down; it was too difficult for her body to produce both. Gasping and panting, legs burning, her body would scream for her to stop. Scream, yell, and offer her every incentive it could think of, including calling her dad to pick her up from wherever she was. But her mind wouldn't listen, wouldn't, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but run. So she would run.

Finally, her steps would slow, and fighting for breath, she would head for her favorite park. Sinking on to a lone picnic bench, she would lower her head and sob her heart out. When there was nothing left inside her, she would stop, and notice the sense of quiet surrounding her. She would think about the things that had angered her, and resolve to make things better. Then, when she had dried her eyes and regained her breath, she would walk home. Or if she was in a good mood after that, she would jog, because Earth had left her shoulders to go hang in space, where it belonged. Until next time.




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ThornThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Feb. 26, 2011 at 9:07 pm:

Whoa, Ren! That was amazing. I loved all your word choice, and the flow was incredible. Careful not to automatically turn to adverbs, though. Try to pick out a strong verb instead.

 

Oh, guess who? Susan J. Flyweel. ;)

 
riteren replied...
Feb. 27, 2011 at 3:14 pm :
Oh, hey Sue! Thanks for commenting! What do you mean adverbs are too much? Can i have an example, please?
 
ThornThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 27, 2011 at 4:26 pm :

"Angrily tying her laces, pulling on a t-shirt through her tears, she would hurriedly get changed."

 

Sometimes instead of adverbs, you can add more detail. Sometimes you can just substitute them with a strong verb.

 

"Anger clouding her face as she tyed her laces, pulling on a t-shirt through her tears, she rushed to get changed."

 
riteren replied...
Feb. 27, 2011 at 4:39 pm :
Ah, I get it. But I don't know- its a pretty raw, unedited piece, and I like the feel of it. Hmmmm....well, I'm not changing it; I can't, haha, but I will definitly take it into consideration! Thanks for your sage advice!
 
ThornThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 1, 2011 at 6:09 pm :

Hey, I get it. Some things are just pure emotion, and that can't be edited. It's a good tip to take into consideration for future writing, though.

 

*strokes invisible facial hair in a sage-like manner* Anytime, ask me for anything, you may, young padawan.

 
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teeninkwasspilledhere said...
Feb. 9, 2011 at 10:50 pm:
I really like that. I feel stressed out sometimes, and I know that doing something about stress helps. You're a great writer :)
 
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love being me said...
Jan. 23, 2011 at 11:30 am:
wow that was amazing! you got serious talent.
 
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loser said...
Jan. 23, 2011 at 8:34 am:
I love it! It's really well done - I like how it's short and to the point. I especially like this clever line: "because Earth had left her shoulders to go hang in space, where it belonged." Also, your spelling and grammar are great, so it makes it much easier on the reader. There's only one mistake - in the second sentence, that should be a comma, not a semicolon. Or, if the effect you were looking for was a pause, try an ellipsis. But apart from the misplaced semicolon, your grammar's perfect,... (more »)
 
riteren replied...
Jan. 23, 2011 at 9:59 pm :
thank you so much! I realize that second sentance is wrong, didn't notice it before! thanks again!
 
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iheartvaca said...
Jan. 21, 2011 at 1:33 pm:
wow this is rlly amazing! i knew you cud write but this is better than anything ive seen from u! keep it up! u rok!
 
riteren replied...
Jan. 23, 2011 at 9:58 pm :
thanks so much! i wrote it a long time ago, and ive shared it on some sites, but never with frinds.....thanks again! enjoy ur vacay!
 
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riteren said...
Jan. 23, 2011 at 10:01 pm:
original name choice, indeed. i dont remember u trying to edit it. Thanks tons for reading! And yes, it is personal....its kiind of about me....
 
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MisterMan said...
Jan. 21, 2011 at 11:11 am:
I like this alot! I like running and this really makes me feel good. Thank you.
 
riteren replied...
Jan. 23, 2011 at 10:02 pm :
yay i love running too! thanks for reading!
 
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