It's hard to let go of everything. All that's left is silence and my heartbeat. it's hard to hold everything in and hide my tears. It's hard to wait the answers i have been waiting for my whole life. And trying doesn't help. It's hard not to think. It's hard not to feel alone and left behind. It's hard even to listen how somebody has passed the test and seen the light. And here i am trying too, to be lightened, finding myself once again. It's hard to accept the truth. I am still stuck in somewhere. The place i don't even have a name. And i don't like to write because words never truly explain. Maybe i am running away, but it feels as tho i am coming forward and no one is saying hi! Welcome! Join us! So i just lay here...waiting, swallowing my tears. Is this illusion? My false self? How can i ever find out? I have lost again...the way..the feeling of going on for another day,a week, a year. It's hard, feeling trapped..so what's left behind? I am breathing in and out. Sometimes it's even hard to breath but on the other hand i can't really stop..can i? it's hard you know, living, without knowing the cause.
November 7, 2010