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Secret To Tell
I walked quickly through the sea of people. My head down and feeling ashamed. I wondered if they knew…If they could see it. Could they see that I was a “woman” now? Or am I just a w****? An easy target? Desperate? I wondered if my friends would see it. What would Reese think?
“What’s up Lex? Haven’t talked to you all weekend. Who are you hiding from?” My bestie said laughing. I bet she had a great weekend. The fair was in town, I knew she had went. Then, church the next day. I wish I hadn’t chosen Willie over her. I wish I would have spent the night at her house. Then I wouldn’t be feeling this way now. Gosh, how stupid can I get?
“How stupid can I get?” That was supposed to stay in my head.
“What?” She responded, “Are you alright? You’re looking a little…uhm”
“I’m fine. I gotta get to class, can’t afford another tardy.” I said and slipped away before she could respond. I felt like if I stood in front of her any longer I was going to break down and cry. As I maneuvered through the crowd of students I could hear the snickering. It’s already gotten around? I knew I couldn’t hide for long.
“Yeah, so I was like are you serious? You’re wearing that?!” I heard one of the gigglers say. Could I be any more paranoid? It’s weird how your mood can change from happy to insanely depressed in one second. Well, more like three minutes. Three minutes that just seem to pass by so slowly it feels like hours before you’re free. I couldn’t help but feel that my day would be that long.
Years later, the bell rang for lunch. I figured I could play normal for thirty minutes. No one needed to know how I really felt.
“Hey Lex?” I knew that voice. It was the voice of my murderer. He killed the person I used to be. Just keep walking Lexi, he’ll fall back soon enough. Aww crap he’s getting closer. Please don’t grab my arm. “Hey you’re a little distant today,” he said as he grabbed my arm, “hope last night didn’t have anything to do with it.” he smirked. Well, I’m glad he had fun. I yanked my arm from his grip. Suddenly, those hazel eyes were not as adorable as they were two days ago.
“Don’t touch me.” I whispered while looking at the ground.
“Aww come on, that’s not how it was last night.” he replied. THAT’S EXACTLY HOW IT WAS! I know he doesn’t think those eyes still have that effect on me.
“Don’t talk to me.” I said and ran away. I could feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my neck. Only making me want to take my hair out of its ponytail. I was getting a headache. My mind hurt.
I hated it. I hated sitting there trying not to look Reese in the eye, and knowing that if I did she would see right through my charade. She knew something was wrong with me even if I kept her out of my vision. She was good like that. My head pounded even harder, I swear she could hear it.
“Migraine?” she said. Yep, she heard it. I was getting so hot. I didn’t know what to do. I thought I would pass out. I hoped i would. “C’mon. we’re going for a walk.” Great. Now I have to tell her. Why does she have to be a great friend to me?!
We walked out to the courtyard and sat on a bench far from the majority of people. On the way everyone whispered and giggled. The one time I thought they weren’t talking about me, they were. Okay….here it comes in 5...4...3...2...
“I know what happened last night.” Do you really? “It’s pretty obvious.” Yeah it doesn’t get as obvious as someone telling you. I had no words. She didn’t know what really happened. “Say something.”
“Baaahhhh!” I sobbed. That let her know more than any words I could’ve said. Of course, I couldn’t tell her that. I couldn’t tell anyone.
“So you did it?” She inquired in that I-know-you-didn’t-and-you-better-not-lie-to-me-about-it-like-I-know-youre-about-to tone.
Of course I didn’t.
“You had sex?” there’s that tone. I mean if you call ‘me screaming no while being held against my will and my pure innocence being taken from me’ consensual then…
“Yes.” That wasn’t the true Reese. The true Reese wouldn’t sit there and be calm about it if I had had sex. The true Reese knew that if I had I either a) wouldn’t have told her or 2) wouldn’t be crying regretfully. She stared at me blankly. Nothing left for me to do but what I’ve been doing all day. Run!
3 HOURS LATER
“HE RAPED YOU!” Okay, not to self: Do not forget key at home so that I have nowhere to run to except best friend’s house. I just looked at her. “HE RAPED YOU! AND YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T FIND OUT? YOU THOUGHT I BELIEVED THAT CRAP YOU TRIED TO FEED ME AT LUNCH?”
Well, I hoped so but that never works out. I stared at the wall.
“Why didn’t you say anything? I gotta call my dad--”
“No!” I don’t know why I didn’t want her to tell anyone. I didn’t even want her to know.. Telling wouldn’t change the past anyway. “Look, it was my fault anyway. I snuck out to see him. I just thought--”
“No one thinks they are going to get raped when they go to meet someone for a friendly game of checkers, Lex.” We weren’t going to play checkers. “I mean we have to get you checked out and stuff. Like cant you get diseases and pregnant, some other horrible stuff. Like, we have to tell someone. I mean you have to tell someone.”
Wow. She’s more nervous than me.
“I’ll do something. Just keep your mouth closed until I figure out what okay? I mean it.” I said. She could feel the fire in my eyes. I knew she lied when she nodded. I hate having to break her heart like this.
I knew she knew I was lying. She knew I couldn’t stand to let no one know she had been, I’m going to say violated because I hate that other word. Almost as much as I hate Willie. I mean he knew he had her trust and he abused it. AND HE ABUSED HER! She knew that when this sort of blew over I would grill her about even talking to him in the first place. But she was innocent. She wanted to be like me. She wanted to be able to say she “went” with somebody. I don’t regret telling my dad. I regret waiting those couple of hours to do it. She had been gone. Shot herself. I had seen it on the news and as much as I wanted to believe it wasn’t her. I knew it was her inside. Still, twenty years later, it hurts like someone had just told me. I wish she could come back just to tell teenagers….something. Like, don’t sneak out with people you barely know, or people at all, or just don’t sneak out. Or don’t put yourself in that type of predicament where abuse can occur. Where ever she is, I know she’s watching.
Man, its freaky how she does that. How does she know that I’m watching? Oh yeah, she’s a great friend like that.