Operation Jingle Bells 2009 Directive: Find and destroy... I mean...buy. Classification: Top Secret.
11/26/09-Eve of Black Friday 9:30 PM
The car is packed and the kids are across the street with the neighbors. Mrs. Kitzen didn’t seem happy about having them over the night of Thanksgiving but it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Seriously there are only five of them, all under four feet tall. She can squeeze them in somewhere; the other fifteen people in the house will just have to deal with it. And it’s not like this isn’t for a good reason, this is BLACK FRIDAY. My mother-in-law (who, for discretional purposes, will be called Old Bat or OB from here on out) insists on sleeping in ‘til 3:30 AM. I laughed at her. We’ll be on the road by 3. Rally for the cause people! Where has the holiday spirit gone?
11/27/09- Black Friday 3:30 AM Just got on the road. Old Bat overslept as expected, so I told her that she would be doing the driving today for multiple reasons: 1. I’m too tired 2. I need to finalize the shopping list and order of attack 3. Documentation purposes, my every move will be recorded in order to refine my door busting skills for next year. I already have one resolution: DO NOT BRING OB. First stop: Kohl’s.
11/27/09- Black Friday 6:03 AM Sitting in the car waiting for OB. She couldn’t decide whether boxers for her husband are a good gift or not so I left her to fend for herself. I did well though! I’ve almost completed my fairly long list. I narrowly escaped being ejected from the store within the first six minutes of being there for attempting to bribe the doorman into letting just me in for the first ten minutes. Apparently bribery is frowned upon and they were suspicious of me the rest of the time I was there. I ended up using the rest of my bribe money on a gift for one of the kids. I can’t remember which. Old Bat’s moving a little slow, I think it’s about time to spike her coffee with some Red Bull before she gets here. Next stop: Macy’s. 11/27/09- Black Friday 8:16 AM Right on schedule! The Red Bull really helped OB out; she’s so excited that she’s sweating! Everything is going well so far, I’m actually beginning to enjoy OB’s company and Christmas spirit, even she almost got kicked out of the store for fighting with some teenager over a waffle iron. Finally she understands the directive we discussed earlier. We’ve got so much loot that we can hardly fit it in the truck! Luckily I brought the bungee cords! Some people strap Christmas trees to the roofs of their cars, I strap Macy’s bags. Next stop: Target. 11/27/09- Black Friday 11:30 AM
Disaster. I am sitting on the side of the road after being escorted off the Target premises for allegedly attacking a woman for a sweater. For the record I did not attack her, I gently positioned her out of my way. But that’s not the worst of it. Everything is gone. The windows of my car are shattered and all that’s left are the bungee cords. What am I going to do? That was over $800 of door busting treasures! To make things worse the Red Bull wore off OB and now she looks super pissed off. She’s saying we “need to have a family talk about how you approach the holidays and take immediate action for your heinous behavior”. I don’t even have a problem! So I like to shop! So what?? So I’m a little aggressive! So what? It’s not like I purposely injure people.
Dear Diary- 12/15/09 This is an excerpt from my first group session, my family convinced me to start going to Shopaholics Anonymous to solve my problems. Christmas is actually a lot more enjoyable and my husband even agreed that I probably shouldn’t continue my door-busting journal, so he bought a diary instead. It makes sense. “Hi. My name is Kelsey. I am a shopaholic- During the holidays I see things- commercials on the television, pretty lights, crowded parking lots and I see ideas –no- I see inspiration. My inspiration for the holidays is everywhere, even when I log onto Yahoo!, my homepage, just to check my Facebook. In every magazine are the “Top 10 Best Gifts Under $40!” and the “Twenty Best Presents for Her!” Here is where I find my directive and my plan of attack.”