After You, Warrior MAG

August 29, 2010
By Riki-Mo GOLD, Manassas, Virginia
Riki-Mo GOLD, Manassas, Virginia
16 articles 0 photos 23 comments

When Alex finally emerges from the empty classroom, looking as if he has barely survived a perilous confrontation, the sun has already disappeared. I check my watch – 8:56 p.m.

“You're alive,” I say. “A bit beleaguered and rough around the edges, but still breathing.”

“Trying,” he gasps, as he pretends to limp out of the building. I'm sure he's envisioning a dramatic exit scene, complete with the building exploding in a magnificent shower of flames behind his slowly retreating figure. His downfall is the locked door.

I shake my head as I step around him, pushing the side entrance. “After you, warrior,” I say mockingly.

“They tried to cut my wings, silly things, but that didn't keep me from flying,” he quotes as he steps out the door with his head held high. He refuses to add a wounded pride to his list of battle scars.

“Don't use my words against me.”

“They tried to smother my dreams and suppress my self-esteem, but that didn't keep me from trying.”

He's lucky the teachers like him; otherwise, he would never be allowed to stay so late to finish a test. I suppose it's my fault, as I never actually helped him study the day before.

Instead, we had caused trouble.


*
*
*

We sat on a park bench that, sagging with age, made the most conspicuous creaking sounds I had ever heard. I opened a newspaper to block our faces and peered over the top. “Everyone's staring,” I hissed.

“Try acting normal for a change,” Alex said, as he snatched the paper from my hand and flipped casually through the pages. “Besides, aren't you inspired yet? We've been sitting here for nearly three hours.”

“No,” I replied stubbornly.

I continued to scrutinize the odd trio beneath the apple tree – one man with soft, brown eyes and a goofy smile, and another with windswept hair and a devious glint in his eye. Both were fighting for the attention of the doe-eyed woman.

I rolled my eyes. The Machiavellian was hardly playing fair, and his opponent was allowing it. “Sportsmanship is a highly treasured virtue, boys,” I muttered under my breath. Somehow my search for inspiration had turned into an appalling melodrama.

“What?” Alex asked, looking up.

“Oh, nothing, nothing.”

“Still having trouble?” he continued, completely missing the point. “I've always been told to paint a picture with my words. And myself, I enjoy abstract art. Much more intriguing. For example, look at her.” He gestured toward the giggling woman. “Her laugh is the complimentary prize found at the bottom of a cereal box – freely given, but made mostly of plastic.”

“Then her smile is the cereal – coated with sugar, but lacking substance,” I said with a mocking grin.

“And her eyes. They're the sugar – lethal if consumed in large quantities.”

“Tell me about it. Those two will be experiencing a pair of nasty headaches in the morning.”

Alex nodded seriously. “See the one on the left?” He gestured toward the devious one. “He's the inexpensive present you would give a friend's friend on her birthday.”

“Ah. His charm is the shimmering gift wrap – deceptive and misleading.”

“And his affability is an unshakable thing. If you shook the package too hard, you'd find that there was nothing in it.”

“Of course, his loyalty is the actual hand that shakes the present – eager to open one and to move on to the next.” I sighed in ­disapproval.

The other, quieter man approached us at that moment, curiosity adding an edge to his eyes. “Is there something I can help you children with? I couldn't help but notice you staring.”

Ignoring his question, Alex said, “Now here's a classic piece of art. Classic, but clichéd.”

The man wasn't completely sure whether he had been insulted.

“His eyes are buttons, wary as they prepare themselves to be pushed,” I observed.

He opened his mouth indignantly, but words failed him.

“And his mouth is an expensive marker that has run out of ink,” Alex added.

“His piercing, offended glare is a dull needle, barely breaking the surface of our nonchalant fabric.”

Alex glanced toward the couple beneath the apple tree before silently assessing our subject. “His shoes are the empty spaces on his canvas – too large for him to fill.”

I held the man's gaze. “And his slumped shoulders are the fear that he won't have enough material to even try.”

He was speechless.

“Oh, you remind me of a story I once wrote,” I told him as I leaned back to look up at the sky. “They tried to cut my wings, silly things, but that didn't keep me from flying.” When he didn't reply, I added, “They tried to smother my dreams and suppress my self-­esteem, but that didn't keep me from trying.”

“Go back over there and kick that other jerk out of your way,” Alex said with a conspiratorial wink.

“Have you … have you been watching us?” the man asked.

“Umm, no. We've been observing,” I corrected, afraid that he'd be mad.

“Yes. That makes it sound so much more scientific.”

I glared at Alex, silently begging him to be quiet. But the man smiled and, with a slight nod, returned to the apple tree.

“Come on, I've got a test to study for,” Alex declared as he stood and began to walk away.

“What?” I hesitated before following him. “Don't you want to know how it ends?” I asked sulkily, like it was some kind of television show.

“Use your imagination.”


*
*

“Erika.” Alex snaps his fingers in front of my face. “Come back to the present. I was saying that if I fail that test, I'm blaming it all on you.”

“Your pride is a fallen soldier,” I retort. “But it died for a noble cause.”

“Oh? You must have been inspired after all,” he says with a small amount of satisfaction.

“Yep. So it'll be worth it if you end up failing, right?”

No response.

We both know that he got a perfect score.



Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 16 comments.


witchwallow said...
on Feb. 6 2015 at 2:33 pm
witchwallow, Los Gatos, California
0 articles 0 photos 37 comments
This was amazing not just the piece itself but the symols inside of your work. Beautiful

Steph0804 GOLD said...
on Aug. 26 2011 at 11:01 am
Steph0804 GOLD, Seoul, Other
12 articles 4 photos 206 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog: you understand it better, but the frog dies in the process." -E.B. White

 This is AWESOME. How did you think of all these metaphors and similes? You're writing is GREAT.

on Feb. 2 2011 at 12:53 pm
EmilyMichelle PLATINUM, Manassas, Virginia
33 articles 4 photos 90 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Our truest responsibility to the irrationality of the world is to paint or sing or write, for only in such response do we find the truth."
- Madeleine L'Engle

Yes! It makes us seem important lol :D

Riki-Mo GOLD said...
on Jan. 31 2011 at 9:37 pm
Riki-Mo GOLD, Manassas, Virginia
16 articles 0 photos 23 comments
Awwww thank you missy! I don't know about amazing, but thank youuuu :D

Laura said...
on Jan. 31 2011 at 8:25 pm
This is such a great story! I love it! You're an amazing writer missy, and I can't wait to read some more!

Riki-Mo GOLD said...
on Jan. 31 2011 at 6:34 pm
Riki-Mo GOLD, Manassas, Virginia
16 articles 0 photos 23 comments
Haha... I like how we both have the little MAG symbol thing next to our names now :D

Riki-Mo GOLD said...
on Jan. 31 2011 at 6:32 pm
Riki-Mo GOLD, Manassas, Virginia
16 articles 0 photos 23 comments
Awwww thank you :)  Right - major flashback!  Alex used to be such a major part of our lives xD  And you're right, you're right :(  Well that's definitely gotta happen one day! Eventually!  When it's warm :)

on Jan. 31 2011 at 2:09 pm
EmilyMichelle PLATINUM, Manassas, Virginia
33 articles 4 photos 90 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Our truest responsibility to the irrationality of the world is to paint or sing or write, for only in such response do we find the truth."
- Madeleine L'Engle

Haha I read this before, but I just reread it and man! FLASHBACK! I miss you sooo much (and I forgot all about Alex until just now...and hey you know that geocaching adventure never happened :P)

on Jan. 31 2011 at 2:07 pm
EmilyMichelle PLATINUM, Manassas, Virginia
33 articles 4 photos 90 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Our truest responsibility to the irrationality of the world is to paint or sing or write, for only in such response do we find the truth."
- Madeleine L'Engle

Yay! You got published! I knew it! :D <3 And by the way, this is a great story!

on Sep. 1 2010 at 5:37 pm
your welcome! and yes it was incredible!! i cant wait until the screenplay comes out so i can read it xD

Riki-Mo GOLD said...
on Sep. 1 2010 at 1:13 pm
Riki-Mo GOLD, Manassas, Virginia
16 articles 0 photos 23 comments
Thank you!

Rescabodear said...
on Sep. 1 2010 at 1:09 pm
Wow... this is amazing!  I couldn't stop reading it, it was that intriguing, and I love the dialogue between the two main characters!  I'd love to read more of something like this!  Keep writing!

Riki-Mo GOLD said...
on Aug. 31 2010 at 9:11 pm
Riki-Mo GOLD, Manassas, Virginia
16 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Thanks - awesome advice :)  I'm definitely going to try that. 

And yes, Inception was the greatest movie ever!


on Aug. 31 2010 at 8:01 pm

simon cowell feedback--you asked for it!

callmefelix said it all, my friend. You're using sophisticated vocab that even the SAT people don't use. Search that vocabulary of yours for strong verbs to use instead of weak verb + adverb. I mean, it might help you to know that nobody, not even the people who grade the SAT's or AP exams will be blown away by one's demonstration of their ability to overuse big words. What they look for in those essays even is the sophistication of your argument and sentence structure--not nick nack vocab, spelling, grammar etc.

I have a feeling that you're a creative person like the rest of us and the stuff that you were taught in school is causing you to limit your creativity because it's not sophisticated enough or not well-written enough. I mean, Catcher in the Rye was pretty well written and there's all sorts of no-nos in that book! So if you want to fix your vocab problem, just try writing exactly as you were telling your best friend a story. It could be the juiciest gossip ever, it could be a childhood memory, it could be a wierd dream within a dream that you had after you saw the greatest movie ever Inception, but whatever you decide to write about, DO NOT censor yourself.

If you write "well like, there was this thing and like y'know" then write that. If it makes no sense and you're embarassed, nobody has to see it. You can say whatever you want about whoever you want and however you want. Just say it. write it down exactly as it comes to your head and how you would say it out loud as if you were talking to a friend.

See what comes out of that, and then compare it to this piece or something else with too much vocab. If you want, i can help you with the comparisons but if whatever comes out is too personal or something i understand lol. After all you can always write another one that isn't too personal--and eventually with practice (and believe me, it's fun to write down how you really feel about something) you'll be able to limit vocab and make your narration/dialogue more relaxed/realistic for everything that you write.

And if you don't mind, I'm going to post some of this same advice on a thread for other people because you're not the only one who likes to use big words--we all do sometimes ;p


Riki-Mo GOLD said...
on Aug. 31 2010 at 11:57 am
Riki-Mo GOLD, Manassas, Virginia
16 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Thanks for the feedback - yeah, I have a problem with limiting my vocabulary...  I'll work on that though :)  Sorry about the confusion; I had this picture of my own school stuck in my head that I guess I didn't really explain.  And now that you mention it... I don't know how they caused trouble either :)  I guess I wrote that sentence when I had planned for the story to be longer, and then I never changed it. 

Thanks!


on Aug. 31 2010 at 11:52 am
ForeverFelix PLATINUM, Catasauqua, Pennsylvania
30 articles 2 photos 207 comments

Favorite Quote:
Daydreams can be worse than nightmares, but that never stops me.

Who uses "beleaguered" in a casual conversation? And the word “Machiavellian” is weird, too, especially for teenagers (at least, they sound like teenagers). I suggest sticking to vocabulary that can be difficult and more sophisticated, but understandable to the general population. When you said "I shake my head as I step around him, pushing the side entrance" it was a little confusing, although I now understand that you meant opening the door to what I assume was the school.  I don't understand how what they did was "causing trouble" either.

 

On a brighter note, I loved the way they both acted as if everything was a story. It added a really cool aspect to the piece...as if it's two teenagers simply trying to be themselves in this crazy world. I like it. I like this piece overall, actually. Great job. Keep writing! =)



SciArc

MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!