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The summer of freshman year changed me, the unfortunate reality of my life finally shown. I was left standing there, alone on the train platform, by the person that I thought would always be there for me. As the train whizzed by my thoughts collected. Scarlett, my best friend, had abandoned me for the stage. And I told her that, I told her everything, I finally let all my feelings out. I had no idea of what it would do to her. We stood there screaming and crying on the train platform. But we didn’t care; this was about us, not the cruel whispers of the outside world.
It was the last day before school started again, for me anyway. She was off to Chicago, for the Vanilla Twilight tour, she would be gone for 6 months. And probably wouldn’t hear from her till she was back. She had a tendency to do that. She would forget about me, I was invisible to most, but I didn’t think she would see through me too. She would go weeks even months without calling, never responding to my text messages. But she didn’t seem to notice. Because it was never about me, it was always about her. It always was, and it always will be. No matter what I do, or how good I do, she will always be more talented, more popular, more beautiful, more everything then me. She was the actress, the prima donna, and I just wasn’t. I was always the quiet, down to earth, nice girl, who was always a loyal friend, but she was different. Very different.
For one reason or another, people always liked her more than me. They always made a point of talking to her, and just brushing by me. Like I was some kind of painting, a good one, but there was a better one right next to it, so you just ignore it and move on to the one that you thought was better, in your eyes.
My mother always said we completed each other, our qualities complementary. Like salt and pepper, great together, but sometimes, just as good separate.
Right before she left that afternoon, after I emptied my thoughts and feelings to her, she told me I was holding her back from her full potential, that I didn’t matter to her anymore, if this was how I was going to be, I was holding her back from her dream. That everyone else was supportive except for me, that I was just jealous that she had talent and I didn’t, that I was worthless.
“Nobody wants a friend like you” she had said. “That day, in kindergarten, when we met, over those stupid shoes you had, that was nothing. I didn’t have anyone yet, you were just temporary. Nothing really special.” The shock hadn’t set in yet. The conformation that it all really happened, hadn’t reached my heart.
“Ever since I moved, you’ve never been the same. I should have known. Life always changes but people never do. You’re no exception. Since 7th grade, you’ve been changing from my best friend, to the actress.” I tried to keep my self under control.
“You didn’t have to support me. I would have preferred you didn’t. There are always more auditions to go to. 8th grade was my big time. There were talent scouts at the talent show you and I were in. At first they wanted you for the orchestra for the movie, but my mom convinced them that I was better; you couldn’t teach someone to have my talent. And that movie was the start of my career. How I got in this. No ones routing for you. ” Her voice, callous.
“The stage has changed you. I hate what you’re becoming.” I was loosing my composure.
“And what’s that?” Sarcasm building.
“A selfish, egotistical, jerk. Like you were at that party. You remember. Your 14th. You left me in the corner, when you ran off with your other friends. The more important ones.” That was the one thing that was still a sore spot between us.
“ Yes, I remember.” Her tone growing grave.
“Then you should remember when the calls stopped. Mine never being returned. And the song. The song you wrote for me, for us. For our friendship. How much it meant to me, how I though we would be ok, and wouldn’t let the party incident happen again. You made a promise. But I guess second best is all I will know, since you always have to be in the spotlight.” I couldn’t hold my self together any longer. The power of my words, accelerating.
I cried, we both did, for what seemed like forever. I told her that I hated being slacked around, only talking to me when she needed something, or needed me to do something for her. That I hated what she was doing, that she was going to land up like those other child stars, doing drugs when they get in their 20’s, and checking into celebrity rehab. I told her that I hated everything she was, and what she had become. That she was the monster that I had been dreading, and running from my whole life, but had finally caught up to me, no matter how hard I tried to escape it I would catch up, I just didn’t expect it to come out of her. We were both sobbing when the train whistle blew. She got on, and right before the doors shut, I could faintly hear “I hate you” amongst the hustle of the station.
Until then, I didn’t realize the way a moment, a single moment, could change things and make you decide to be someone else. How fast things can change. As the doors shut I looked up to see her watery red eyes, piercing me like daggers in the heart. I walked away that day, heartbroken, my heart shattered, crying my way home. When I got home I hurried to my room, blocking out the world, and everything that I didn’t want to think about, everything and everyone that had ever hurt me, filling my heart with sorrow and pain, blaming myself for everything that had gone wrong, even though I knew it wasn’t true.
I wondered what she was thinking, what she was feeling, and if it was the same thing that I was. Deep in my heart I knew she was right. I was jealous, but only because I didn’t have my whole future planned out. Whenever someone asked, what you want to be when you grow up, you usually get the box standard answers, lawyer, doctor, princess, they were all just unclear thoughts. I was jealous that she knew exactly what she wanted, and was going to do whatever possible to get it, and follow her dream.
My mother kept knocking on the door, asking if I was ok, and I said I was fine, but I wasn’t. I wanted to call Scarlett; I wanted to tell her I was sorry. But I was through being the one who was always sorry, being the one who would give in, the effortlessly sensitive one, who doubled as the peacemaker. I wanted her to be sorry for once, yeah, it might be selfish but that didn’t matter.
I was up, staring out my window into the darkness, I heard my phone vibrate, with a text from Scarlett. I wondered what she was going to say, and I really didn’t want to know. But I opened it. It began ‘Dear Avery, I’ve been worried about you. Our friendship is more important to me then the world, and I don’t want to loose you. Because you are my security blanket, my spring board to fall back on, and without you I would have never accomplished any of this, so, thank you, and I miss you. There’s nothing like an end, to make you appreciate the beginning. When I first met you and your ambition and lighthearted spirit inspired me to chase my dream. Its funny how you go through a year and nothing changes, but when you look back everything’s different but in a good way. I’ve thought of you when I’m at my weakest, and you have pulled me through. Both our lives have changed for the better. So, I want to thank you for changing mine.” Suddenly the mood lightened. My once black heart turned pure crystal. That day I finally figured out that some things just happen. Things we may never understand. But we just have to believe that it’s for the best, even if it doesn’t seem that way.





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WeAreAllWasted said...
Jul. 15, 2010 at 12:13 am
This is literally almost my exact life, my best friend, she is the one everyone likes, people like me too, but I'm never as good as her, to anyone. Whenever I move up a step she moves up three and sends me hurling two back. But, whenever I bring myself to say something aboiut how she always needs me and when I need her shes not there. She has something happen and I, like always, am there, and she says how much she likes how Im there and how Im her only real friend. And I just am thankful sh... (more »)
 
moonpetal replied...
Jul. 17, 2010 at 11:47 am
I realate to that it's the same way with me. Your not a worthless person, you have some thing your friend dosen't. The ablittie to NOT be in the spot light 24/7. And to be you, a good trustworthy honest person. People like that are good with others but how do you think they would do just  them selfs? They need attention most of the time. You have to be a stronger person to let others shine than they do to shine. Not to diss you friends or anything don't take any of this wrong. I mean anyone... (more »)
 
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