And That's It.

Empty; I feel inconceivably empty. Each and every second another piece of my heart is dismantled and rid of in the form of tears, trickling down my eyeliner stained cheeks. I can’t feel. Perhaps it’s for the best. I’m afraid of what would happen if I could still sense the pain, if I could still sense the residue of your love.

The ceiling is above my head, same as yesterday. It’s white, strong, predictable, and there. My fingers slowly stretch towards it, but are lost in the air. They could never touch the ceiling, the same way my life would never touch predictability and strength.

My heart is completely gone now, streaked across my pillows. My eyes didn’t approve of my heart leaving and they swelled; raw and red. Cool water attempts to console them, but they resist the comfort, they resist the outreach. I’m just like a pair of eyes.

My failure was suffocating me. I couldn’t stay with him; I failed at keeping him happy; just as I failed at reaching the ceiling. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a chair; offering its help. I haven’t removed myself from the safety of my bed since he spoke those heart wrenching words. I’m afraid. My emotions are rushing back to me now, as quickly and painfully as a slap with nails cutting across your cheek so quickly it bleeds. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I should stray from the familiar, the safe and embrace everything I could. It is life after all.

There isn’t enough water. Desperately, I splash it on my face, fighting away the puffiness. It wasn’t fading, he wouldn’t leave me. He would never leave me; as permanent as a scar; a battle wound, a love wound. Suddenly, I’m gasping; crying again. And I thought I had already lost my entire heart. I guess I had more strength than I had thought, even though I was curled in the corner; making faces as I cried so hard my shoulders, my whole entire body shook, like an earthquake had commenced in my chest.

Slowly, I threw the covers off, shivering as the bare air touched my pale, bony legs. Suddenly, I was standing, dizzily; unfamiliarly. The chair was under my tippy toes as my fingers gently grazed the ceiling; as I stared in awe at what I had accomplished. It was as though I had absorbed the ceiling’s enviable qualities. If only I could reach my single goal; learning to live without him.

This time I was truly done. I could tell by the way tears wouldn’t come out anymore, despite the heaving of my stomach; the sadness in my rediscovered range of emotions. As I rubbed my spent eyes, it didn’t matter that my eyes would swell more; what mattered is I could start over new. It would take time, but I would grow a new heart; before bravely giving it to someone new. If I was lucky, it would be worth the risk; if I was lucky the next person would love me as much as I loved them.

Falling in love is like finding the special glue to finally fix every imperfection of your heart; like finding the other half that you never knew you needed. I thought it was like finding you.





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