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Today I Will Shine
I turned the knob and opened the door. I stepped inside and
closed the door behind me. Dark. there was just enough light to
help me focus on each step I took deeper into the room. I didn't
bother to turn the dial on the lamp, leaving the room dark, the way
I like it. I found a spot near my bed post and laundry and sat down.
I must have sat there for ten mintutes with my head between my
knees just thinking. Thinking about life, death and everything
in between. Why has my life been so horrible? What did I ever do to
deserve this torture? Tears start to fall and I am no longer in control of my emotions. I let them glide down my cheecks and trickle off my chin, falling and disolving in my lap. I think of happier times when all seemed right with the world. When I wore a smile on my face because I was happy, not because I was trying to hide my sorrows.
Then I think of my dad. I can't help but feel guilty whenever I think of him.
I was under alot of stress and my parents were making me feel even worse about myself. They had no idea what type of thoughts were circulating through my brain, half concentrating on what my mom was saying.
They went off about how I always look pissed at everybody. Well they
were correct about that. I told them my music is all I have to live for, what keeps me going through my day. That made my dad even mader at me. Meanwhile I was trying not to cry though my mumbled words.
My daddy walked over to me. I was sure I was in for it. Maybe a smack
or two. I closed my eyes, waiting for the blow. I waited several minutes,but I felt nothing. I wondered if I was alone. My eyes opened and I was startled to see two big blue eyes starring into mine. My dad took my hand and sat down next to me.
He said " Do you wanna know what gets me through my day? I go to bed each night thanking God for another day keeping me alive. I worry if that will
be the last night I fall asleep next tomy wife. When I wake up I praise Almighty God for another chanbe to be here with you and your mother. What keeps me from not giving up is you my dear daughter. I want to see you smile again,and be the happy girl I know you once were". My dad has never spoken to me
like this before.I have never tried this hard to fight back tears and yet he still continues.
"Don't you think I know how you're feeling? I know you're scared, I'm scared
too. Hell, I'm the one living with this monster inside me. Every breath I take,
it's God telling me, go ahead, keep on living. Isn't that enough to keep you
through the day?"
Then my daddy stopped. His eyes were no longer on
mine, My mother was standing quietly against the wall. Finally my daddy
stood up and walked out of the room. followed by my mom. But before he
left he turned and said "My sweet pea, I have cancer, but do you see any
sign of sadness in my face? It's the Lords plan for us. We don't need a
reason to be mad at God." Then he was gone. Thinking back on that time,
I realize how selfish I have been acting. Sitting here all alone in my dark
room has only made me cause harm to myself. Lonliness is dangerous
for me because I am alone with my thoughts. I dry up my tears with a
nearby blanket and standup. I put on some fresh tearless clothes.
Today is a new beginning. Today I will shine.