A freezing cold day began when I tried to open my eyes. My eyelashes were frosted shut and I could feel tiny icicles formed on the edges of my eyelids. They made my eyes feel so heavy as heavy as my broken heart that kept sinking lower in my chest. I felt it beat and beat and I was thankful for somehow it still beats. There were times before that I'd wish it stop and freeze forever. And all my agonizing pain would cease, but I now know that isn't going to happen ever, no matter how much I wish on my unlucky stars. I wished on my stars once before I wished my parents would see the light. They would come back and love each other again, but it only tore them apart even more. The stars are unlucky I decided when they snapped in half. I sit up under my raggad covers feeling the ice dagger it's way up my body. Slowly the frost melts away running down my cheeks as if they were tears. But I no longer can cry, my tears have all been used up to make a lake upon my pillow. A lake of sorrowful salty tears etched into my pillow. That is how I sleep these days, by weeping until I can weep no more. I sit up slowly seeing colors dance at the edges of my vision so I use some sage advice. My mom once gave me advice to climb slowly out of bed and since I can barely look at her without rejection I follow it. I sat for awhile ontop of my haggard bed breathing in ice and seeing my breath run away with the bit of soul I had left. Carefully I stepped off the bed and it collapsed in a heap behind me. I sighed a sigh no one has the right to sigh. I was wistful for my old house the one before it happened. The divorce that broke my heart and made me the way I am. I missed that house. This new one was completely ramshackle and it could blow over after the slightest breeze. They left each other because of me. Me I was the reason this horrible nightmare happened. They fought over me constantly. They left because of the chronic fighting that occured almost every day. They both said things and backed those things up by saying "I want what is best for you." Which of course was what they said. How was I supposed to choose? I know it is nice that they love me, but they don't realize I love them the same. One of them always has to win. Someday. Maybe someday they will transcend their old ways. Because this Christmas we won't be together like everyone else in the world. And the way we should be. I will get spoiled and I won't be there with both of them. But they were never there for me, especially then.
December 24, 2009