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Did I Ever Have A Choice?

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They wouldn't accept me. Their view of me would change in an instant. Their religion wouldn't allow it. But would they disown me, was it worth it? Was it worth to me, leaving my family behind, but then technically they wouldn't be my family anymore. I would have no one, could I really take it? Could I live in a world with so much hate, for something I have no control over? Did I have control over this, my destiny? Was it me or someone of a higher power doing this? Why would someone bring this fear and unhappiness to anybody? So many question's left unanswered.

I couldn't take the thought of my family looking down at me in shame, disappointment, and embarrassment. The thought that we wouldn't go out like regular families because the townspeople whom we've known our whole lives would talk about me behind my back. Their whispers carried by the winter breeze, the disgust evident in the small whisper, evident of how much they do not approve. Then I made the decision to not tell them at all. But the secret ate me piece by piece, day by day. I had to tell someone, not anyone, but my best friend, Angel Lictic.

Angel Lictic and Raven Hades. We were exact opposites, even our names were opposites, but I guess opposites always attract in every situation right? That's how it always was, and how we always thought it would be. We were practically attached to the hip, and everyone knew it. The thought that I could have some piece of mind at least because I've told someone was amazing. But when I did tell Angel, I was grateful iI wouldn't be rejected because Angel would understand me. She had to, after all we were best friends.

But how wrong I was, to assume Angel wouldn't reject me, simply because she was my best friend. We grew up together, but in two different households, but with the same practices. Only Angel's parents happened to be the caretakers of our local church here, which is why she was always more devoted to God than me. I should have known she wouldn't take the idea of me being bisexual lightly. It went against everything she was taught, against everything she knew, her religion, Christianity. She was beyond livid when I told her, she yelled that she would have to take me to church and make sure the priest "purified" me and "relieved" me of my inner demon. That's when I knew everything would go down hill.

She avoided me like the plague, but I thought I would give her time so she could get used to it. There was something wrong, I felt it in my gut. There was something bad brewing, but I simply ignored it. I came home from Sunday school, thinking it was odd for Angel to be absent. Maybe she was sick? I would have to visit her and make sure she was okay even if she was mad at me. But what happened next made me forget those simple thoughts. Water was thrown at my face, and I heard chanting.

"The almighty creator, help us! Relieve this child of her demon. Let her go!" I realized those words had come from Matthew Lictic, Angel's father, our priest from our local church. I could still hear chanting in the background, realizing it was my family.

"What is going on!?" I yelled at the priest. Someone was holding me down, while the priest placed a cross on my forehead and a bible to my heart. My family seemed to be throwing water, which I realized was actually holy water.

"Be gone I say! Let the child rest in peace!" the priest chanted. It had finally dawned onto me what was going on. Angel must have confessed "my sins" and asking God for help to relieve my "demon". Priest Lictic decided to help because he was God's helper on earth. And I knew then and there, my family would never accept me and decided to invent that I had a demon in me rather then believe I was bisexual. I was done with this, the holy water made the person holding me, hands, pretty slippery. I was able to escape and run to my room and lock the door.

I gathered money that I've been saving since I was a little girl, packed my things, all while knowing my family was planning a way to get me downstairs so they could finish...whatever the hell they were trying to do to me. Thanking God, knowing he still loved me because he created me this way, that I just turned 18 a couple of weeks ago and that I had gotten an ID. My prayers were answered when I remembered a friend that moved from my hometown, whom I still wrote too, to get away from the religiousness. He had always begged me to visit him, and now I had the chance. He lived far enough, but close enough that I could still get there on a bus like a Greyhound bus.

Knowing I would never see my family again, I jumped out my window carefully, like so many times before when I wanted to get away. And walked the path I've walked so many times before. Not once did I look back, even when I bought the ticket to go to my destination, knowing nothing will ever be the same. When I was on the bus, passing the sign that I was leaving my hometown, what finally happened to me crashed all around me. I cried silently, knowing I had begun a new life, and promising myself I would try to never look back.





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