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Gone With the Wind

'I'm not going to say that this isn't your fault. I'm not going to give you the satisfaction that your guilt can be easily brushed off. You know what? I want you to suffer. You can suffer as much as I did and you can understand what it's like to feel so guilt-ridden. To feel so small, that it hurts. Everyday. I bet you didn't know that did you?

I like to walk sometimes - I bet you didn't really know that either - and I like to feel the wind against my face. The feeling of being free and having nothing to worry about gives me this feeling.. of happiness. I go out at night, so it's just the stars and I. None of your problems, and none of mine. Because I at least deserve just a moment of peace. If I can't get it from you, I'll find it myself. So I'm not going to tell you that I do this stuff just to hurt you. I'm doing it so you see what reality is.

Who knows what's going to happen? Who knew this was going to happen anyway? Not you guys. Never you guys. I was just this easy replacement, this person you could throw your guilt upon. You know what, guys? I don't need that and I sure as hell didn't deserve it either. But you're going to brush this away.

Every time I left I wasn't cared about. I wasn't even noticed! Yeah...that hurt more than anything. But did I ever tell you guys I'd had enough? No.. You wanna know why? No, probably not, but I'll just go ahead and tell you anyway. It's because I love you guys. I'm jealous of the amount of friends you guys have and the love you can hold.

I'm jealous because you don't break so easily. Because you're held together by this piece of metal that just doesn't allow you to be hurt. Me? I'm held by string, so many times replaced, but never quite fixable.

I know when you're hurting, but you don't know when I'm hurting. You don't care, but you might now. You might just pay attention to this and ask yourself, "Why didn't I pay more attention?" You might yell at me and hate me, but please do.

Do you know how easy that would be for me? So, so much easier than having to walk away from this. I have my problems, but when given the chance to talk about them I don't go into detail. Because I don't want to seem selfish. Maybe I seem selfish right now, but every moment I spend with you guys makes me understand hurt and love at the same time.

So please, feel the guilt of knowing you've broken me. Feel the guilt in knowing I loved each of you. Even the ones who didn't quite know that.'

I placed the pen down, turning toward the open window inside my bedroom and smiled grimly. I grabbed my bag filled with everything I would need to start a new life and hauled it over my shoulder. I slipped some sandals on my feet and sprayed some perfume on.

With money in my pocket and pain in my heart, I jumped through the window and onto the clutter of branches from the tree beside my window. I slid down the tree and away from the nightmare I called a life. I left all of it behind as I marched down the street and across a few blocks, where I came upon a bus headed to some city I could only recall from a fading memory. As I entered the bus, I couldn't help but glance back at the place I'd once called home. It would probably be flooded with friends, family members, and anyone else who got word of my depature, but it didn't bother me. They deserved to feel guilty for what happened; it was all their fault. By the time any of them actually started to care, I'd already be gone...gone with the wind.





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