Magazine, website & books written by teens since 1989

Untitled

Custom User Avatar
More by this author
Memories, thoughts, emotions, their ability to control people is amazing. He sits and thinks about this, but he doesn’t think for long before tears spring to his eyes. Tears filled with so much pain and suffering he can hardly take it.
I’m weak, pathetic.
Where did this come from? He can barely remember. Moments flash through his mind. His mother crying, a teacher yelling at him, being punched in the gut, thin, white scars littered across his arms, his friends, their kind eyes, their laughing faces.
It doesn’t make sense.

He remembers a conversation long passed. The girl is crying, she doesn’t understand.

‘You said you loved me.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Stay composed.
‘Why are you doing this?’
‘It just won’t work out.’

That was a month ago now. He’s been planning this for a while. He did love her, he does love her, but she deserves more than the pain he will surely bring. He had to save her the anguish while he was still capable, distance himself, and allow her to move on, so that she could live without him.

He has a life, family, school, work, friends, but blood is thicker than water and his genetics are holding him in place.
When will it stop? Never.
Never unless he makes it. Destined to suffer and not game enough to share it. He’s had enough. Too many times has he lain on the floor of his bedroom weeping, pleading for some way of escape. Too many times has he lined his skin with deep, red marks because he could not bear to burden those he cares about. He lives in constant agony. Fluctuations in levels of misery, but too much is always going to be too much, no matter how much excess there is. He can’t take it anymore; he just wants it to end.

He’s convinced his mother would barely notice. Made of the same stuff as his father, he’s ignored just the same.
You’re wrong. She grieved for Dad and she’ll grieve for you.
His friends wouldn’t even see it coming, masterful as he is of his façade. They noticed to begin with, how could they not? But over time he’s learnt to hide it. Yet he cannot hide forever, it’s draining, overpoweringly agonising. If they knew they would try to stop him. They would want him to live, but he doesn’t want that.
They’ll get over it. Life, death, I’m just another piece of the puzzle, a piece they could do without. They’ll realise soon enough, it won’t take long.

He knows how, he knows why, but when has always been the problem. If there’s one thing he learnt from his father it’s that, ‘timing is critical.’ He learnt that one the hard way. His mother won’t be home for hours. Now is the time, now is critical.

Leaning under his bed, sifting through piles of books, paper, and assorted objects, he reaches for a container pressed against the wall. His box of pills is all he needs. He doesn’t count them, as he knows it’s more than enough. Handful by handful he swallows them, adrenaline pumping, already anticipating what is sure to follow. He waits.

The minutes pass slowly, but as it progresses he notices the change. His vision blurs, his heart loses its rhythmical pace, his mind becomes clouded. Only one thought remains as he falls into unconsciousness, as the rest slip away, as his emotions fade.
Peace at last.

----------------------------------

‘I knew him, I knew him well. Seventeen, full of life, intelligent, kind and, I’m sure his friends will agree, absolutely hilarious.
‘Did I see this coming? No. But I saw something, not that I knew what it was back then. When he smiled he was convincing, when he laughed and joked with us we believed him. There was something missing and yet no matter how much I tried I couldn’t figure it out. I know now, it was in his eyes. They were dimmed, suppressed by the depression he inherited from his father. It had taken hold of him, so fiercely, that he could no longer stand being trapped within.
‘What he didn’t realise was how much he would be missed. He didn’t notice how much his mother cared for him, how he reminded her everyday of the husband she lost. Nor did he see how much we appreciated his friendship. He must have convinced himself that we would “move on.”
‘If he had known how much we were going to miss him I know he would have stayed, because he cared for us as dearly as we did for him, even if he couldn’t see it. I’ve never met anyone as selfless as Jay. That is why I loved him, as a friend and so much more.’




Join the Discussion


This article has 19 comments. Post your own!

Healing_Angel said...
Jul. 15, 2010 at 4:52 am:
I love the emotion in this. It's so raw, it made me cry!
 
JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jul. 15, 2010 at 6:10 am :
Thanks. What I lack in talent I make up for in emotion.
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 17, 2010 at 8:22 pm:
For the original, with all italics go here:  TeenInk.com/forums?act=post&topic_id=17&thread_id=24260
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
Patience97 said...
Jun. 17, 2010 at 7:47 am:

How did you come up with something like this?

It's really sad but I can connect with this character a lot. I feel like I sometimes experience the same emotions.

 
JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 17, 2010 at 8:22 pm :

I don't actually know how I came up with the idea. I guess I was in one of my sad moods, but the idea seemed like it came out of nowhere. I want to go back and add to it some time. I had to shorten it because I handed it up at school and there was a word limit.

 

I should dig up the version that I posted on Teen Ink a while back. It has italics and is easier to understand. I think it'd be a bit odd changing between third and first person without them.

 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
jonas_chic899 said...
Apr. 16, 2010 at 8:28 am:
dude that was saddening:((
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
Supernova;) said...
Jan. 31, 2010 at 11:12 pm:
I loved it! why don't you write more? you're character was purely selfless and showed so much caring for those that were around him. The story made me sad and made me see the point of view from someone who would commit suicide not because they wanted to save themselves but save those around them from suffering on their behalf. Good luck with the title though I'm not good at making those up:)
 
JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jan. 31, 2010 at 11:44 pm :
I'm more a science/maths person. Writing does not come easily to me and stories like this are rare. I enjoy writing, but am not particularly skilled at it and inspiration is not as prominent as I would like. Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you liked it :)
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
josiebelle said...
Jan. 16, 2010 at 7:29 am:
That was amazing!!i was nearly in tears,i no what its like to hide problems from the people you love so that u dont burden them in the end tho i reached out and got help so now most of my smiles are real.I've never read anything that so accurately noted what i felt and reading this accuatly kind of shocked me and me see just how far iv come! thanks for posting it!
 
JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jan. 31, 2010 at 11:42 pm :
It's good to know that it was accurate. I have wanted to die, but I have never been suicidal. I was very unsure if the emotion would come across properly. I'm glad that you liked it :)
 
Patience97 replied...
Jun. 17, 2010 at 7:46 am :
I feel that way too sometimes.
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
Ceneteros2804 said...
Jan. 2, 2010 at 11:58 pm:
That was great Jubilex. Deep too, very powerful. You are a great writer.
 
JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jan. 3, 2010 at 12:08 am :
Thank you =)
As I have said to the others, it makes slightly more sense with the italics for Jay's thoughts. They didn't go through when I copied it to here.
 
Ceneteros2804 replied...
Jan. 3, 2010 at 12:14 am :
Same thing happened to me a while ago. It is very irritating.
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
Fredwardness said...
Dec. 4, 2009 at 2:23 pm:
I liked it, should I tell you i found it amusing? Well i did.
 
JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 4, 2009 at 11:35 pm :
Thanks Freddio =)
It might come off a bit odd without the italics. I couldn't get them in when I first posted it, but I'm glad you like it.
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
poemgirl55 said...
Oct. 1, 2009 at 2:51 pm:
Wow...
That was really great.
 
JubilexThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Oct. 1, 2009 at 9:22 pm :
Thank you! =)
The italics didn't go through though, so it'll probably seem a little jumpy, or a bit off. I used italics whenever I was trying to display Jay's thoughts. And then the bit bellow the line was supposed to be in a different font, to show that it was a different person talking.
/shrugs.
I'm glad you liked it =)
 
poemgirl55 replied...
Oct. 2, 2009 at 7:10 am :
It was cool.
Very deep.
You are a really good writer.
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
Site Feedback