In Heaven

May 11, 2009
By Hilda Xhepa BRONZE, College Park, Maryland
Hilda Xhepa BRONZE, College Park, Maryland
2 articles 0 photos 0 comments

The bleakly overcast room in the Cancer Ward is watched by a secret police guard day and night. Inside, floorboards creak when the slightest bit of pressure is put on them. They are turning gray from years of accumulated dust and neglectful cleaning by the hospital personnel. Follow these boards to where they meet the wall. There, a gray uneven line of molding wraps around the room. The gray paint on the walls is cracked with age. In the corner facing north hangs a curtain-less window, framed by rotting chestnut-colored wood. The upper left pane is chipped and a winter breeze chills the room. A nightstand rests in a nook with a single cup of water placed on it. An intravenous supporter neighbors the stand. Its bag is empty, and has been so for many days, intentionally disregarded. The tube connects to the frail arm of a languishing young woman. An outline of her weak body can barely be made out underneath the worn sheets of the hospital bed. Her striking auburn hair contrasts with her pale skin. Dark eyebrows arch over her large olive eyes, which are closed. Beneath defined cheekbones and an Illyrian nose (straight and slightly pointed at the end), are her dried, thin lips. Edon is holding a moistened napkin, wetting her lips. Just an hour before, he had finally gained permission to enter the room. Drita is in her final moments. He looks up at the window. It is snowing.

The snow was frantically falling over the crowded bus stop. People were pushing and shoving, trying to board the only bus to the labor camp. A young man accompanying a little girl had tightly clasped her hand and was tugging her through the mob. With great effort they climbed onto the bus, not expecting to find a seat. An old lady with a hooked nose was seated, her fat sagging on all sides. She saw the little girl and motioned her forward. Skipping toward the lady, followed by Edon, her two braids bobbed up and down and her dress flowed with her agile body as she moved. The little girl stared at the woman with a childish spark of curiosity in her olive eyes. The old lady took the girl onto her lap. “What is your name, sweet?”
“Drita,” she replied.
“Where are you going?” she asked as her eyebrows furrowed.
“I am going to see my father, in Burreli Camp.”
“Burreli concentration Camp?!” gasped the old woman. She threw Drita off of her lap and wiped her skirt as though it had been soiled. Drita plunged straight into Edon’s arms, frightened.
“Dearest Drita, she is not like us,” said Edon with a distant look in his eyes. The bus came to a halt.


Edon’s thoughts are interrupted by a slight murmuring noise. He dabs at Drita’s lips again. They part slightly as she shifts uncomfortably on the mattress. “Father, father…”
Barbed wire surrounded the concentration camp. A crow flew overhead. Within the area enclosed by the fencing were two guards standing before a wrought iron gate. They paid no attention to the young man waiting to be assisted. Not too far from this scene was a little girl, wrapped in a blue shawl, shivering. She overheard the guards speaking.
“Have you heard about the political prisoner that dropped dead while mining?”
“Serves him right,” stated the other guard, laughing.
Drita’s heart stopped. Tears rolled down her cheeks and froze on the way. “Should that be my father? Dear Lord! Not my father…”
On the other side of the gate, a man in tattered clothing stopped pushing the wagon filled with copper ore. He rushed toward the gate.
“Drita!”
She ran toward him. He had a rugged beard and a ripped coat. His hands, burned from mining copper, reached through the opening in the gate to embrace little Drita. The icy metal pressed against their coats and they both quivered. The guards eyed them maliciously; they did not stop them, but held a tight grip on their guns. With tears of joy, Drita whispered, “Thank you, Jesus.”


Edon is sitting beside Drita. He wets her lips one last time. As he does so, Drita’s eyes open, just slightly, but their color radiates like rays of the sun and a twinkle of other-worldly joy infuses them.
Edon was waiting outside the Upper School building. He had leaned against the crumbling brick wall, wondering why he was “urgently needed here”. A cold breeze whisked past Edon, making his hair stand on edge. A girl was running toward him from the main building. Suddenly Edon realized it was Monda, Drita’s best friend.
“Where is Drita?” he asked frantically.
“She has fainted! Come help!”
“Fainted! Why?”
“They did not let her take the qualifying senior Literature exam. The administrator said it was decided by the Revolutionary Directorate, for she is the ‘daughter of an anticommunist’.”
Edon almost spit with disgust. Drita had spent months studying for that final exam, so she may attend University for literature and eventually aspire to her dream of becoming a writer. He immediately stopped his train of thought—Drita was unconscious. He hurried behind Monda as she led him to a limp Drita on the hallway floor, her olive eyes had opened. Even as he lifted Drita and brought her home, Edon was filled with anger at the oppressive system.
***
The joy of Liberty fills the air. The Berlin wall has been torn down. A single autumn leaf falls from the lofty tree that stands above the bench on which Edon sits. He is holding a new paperback book, with pages yearning to be read, a story longing to be told. The front cover of the book is very simple: the title Drita and a photograph. Seeing the photograph of his young friend stings him with pain. “Drita,” his whispers, and thousands of thoughts pour into his mind. He practically holds her in his hands—her book—a best seller, but first and foremost, her diary.
Edon flips through the book. A strong gust of wind blows the pages between his fingers and it opens to page 233.

WINGS TIED
From all the angels in the clouds
One was trapped on earth,
Envied by mortals

Flawless beauty, ageless smarts
Degraded, wings tied.
On land residing
Trampled, forgotten
“Forbidden to spread its wings”…
“An angel, she was,” thinks Edon. She had blossomed into a writer, a poet, and yet— just as quickly—she had left. She left the world as an angel. Edon lifts his head and sees a young girl laughing and proudly carrying her schoolbooks, sharing joy with those around her. “Much like Drita…” he murmurs. But where was Drita? Edon can only hope she has gone up to heaven, where she can accomplish her broken dreams.



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This article has 35 comments.


Patty_Cakes said...
on Nov. 12 2012 at 11:26 am
Patty_Cakes, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
The passage of time throughout the story was very inconsistent. It seems that you just wrote down whatever popped into mind without thinking about how you got there. It was clear that you had no plot in mind when you wrote this. I felt that you tried too hard to add in unnecessary language and “her fat sagging on all sides” did not fit with the tone of voice you were trying to portray. In the first paragraph the word grey, “turning gray from years” “a gray uneven line” “The gray paint” is used 3 times almost back to back. Using descriptions other than color would have been more affective in a piece where you are trying to make the reader actually see the surrounds of the character. In writing a realistic piece you should make sure you research your topic first because although it is fiction, if the facts are wrong it is no longer realistic fiction. When you referred to “I am going to see my father, in Burreli Camp” it was an incorrect fact because you would not be able to visit people who were brought to concentration camps.

VivIzzy BRONZE said...
on Nov. 9 2012 at 10:58 am
VivIzzy BRONZE, Goose Creek, South Carolina
4 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
where words fail, music speaks.

This piece is boring, the tense is inconsistent, and the storyline is hard to follow. You start off with describing her room, “Inside, floorboards creak when the slightest bit of pressure is put on them. They are turning gray from years of accumulated dust and neglectful cleaning by the hospital personnel. Follow these boards to where they meet the wall. There, a gray uneven line of molding wraps around the room. The gray paint on the walls is cracked with age. In the corner facing north hangs a curtain-less window, framed by rotting chestnut-colored wood. The upper left pane is chipped and a winter breeze chills the room. A nightstand rests in a nook with a single cup of water placed on it. An intravenous supporter neighbors the stand. Its bag is empty, and has been so for many days, intentionally disregarded,” which is too long and isn’t realistic. Why is everything gray? If there was a lady in a hospital, the room would be clean and fresh every day. Hospitals are very sanitary places. This is less like a “Cancer Ward” and more like an old abandon house. The sheets would be new, the walls would be painted, and the window would not be cracked. And, if she has cancer and is in a “Cancer Ward,” why does she still have hair? Wouldn’t she have gone through chemotherapy? If she has, chemo makes all of your hair fall out. Who is Edon and why is he wetting her lips with a “moistened napkin”? You transitioned from the “Cancer Ward” to a bus stop. The transition was unclear and put in too quickly. As you were describing Edon with Drita, he sounds like he’s her father until she says she’s going to see her father in “Burreli camp.” Is this a camp for Jews in Germany? You have no clear time frame or setting. Then you go from the bus to the hospital room and from the room to the camp. That was entirely too fast and confusing to understand. How is she able to visit him while he’s in a concentration camp? Then you go back to the “Cancer Ward” to Edon wetting Dritas’s lips again. After he “wets her lips one last time,” you fly into another flashback. But this one is Drita fainting in the hallway at school. You don’t explain why, you just transition into her dream of being a writer. After Edon brings Drita home you go to talking about the Berlin wall being torn down with Edon sitting on a bench reading a book by Drita. Then you use, “Seeing the photograph of his young friend stings him with pain,” which makes the story a little more confusing. Is Drita young or old while she’s lying in the hospital bed? Is she dead? And in the last paragraph you use the line, “Edon can only hope she has gone up to heaven, where she can accomplish her broken dreams,” which is also confusing. You said that she became a writer and a poet, which was her dream, so why would her dreams be broken? In all, this piece was very hard to follow because you elaborate on nothing about Drita, the time frame, or the place they are. Review what you’ve written. Describe Drita’s character more and her relationship with Edon. Explain what’s happening around her and try to make the hospital room a little less like an abandoned house.

MSBCBB said...
on Nov. 9 2012 at 10:53 am
MSBCBB, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 8 comments
I felt as this wording was too colorful, “They are turning gray from years of accumulated dust and neglectful cleaning by the hospital personnel. Follow these boards to where they meet the wall. There, a gray uneven line of molding wraps around the room. The gray paint on the walls is cracked with age.” The author simply gave us an over descripted gray room. “Her striking auburn hair contrasts with her pale skin. Dark eyebrows arch over her large olive eyes, which are closed. Beneath defined cheekbones and an Illyrian nose (straight and slightly pointed at the end), are her dried, thin lips.”, this was unnecessary, the character was over described in physical features. I disliked it and thought simple wording would’ve been better. The author didn’t explain why she was in a Cancer Ward or why she was going to see her father in a camp. It would’ve been easier to understand if they had given us those little details. You were too dramatic in this scene “Where are you going?” she asked as her eyebrows furrowed. “I am going to see my father, in Burreli Camp.” “Burreli concentration Camp?!” gasped the old woman. She threw Drita off of her lap and wiped her skirt as though it had been soiled. Drita plunged straight into Edon’s arms, frightened. “Dearest Drita, she is not like us,” said Edon with a distant look in his eyes. The bus came to a halt.” That made the scene kind of comedic to me. The author didn’t explain what was wrong with a little girl going to see her father at camp. This author needs to consider heavy revision, and do more research on the topic.

yourgrandma said...
on Nov. 9 2012 at 10:48 am
yourgrandma, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
If you’re going to put somebody in a cancer ward, you probably shouldn’t put it in a concentration camp. It doesn’t make sense that Hitler would let a Jew survive in a cancer ward. They didn’t even really have hospitals in them. If you look at this transition between times “Edon is sitting beside Drita. He wets her lips one last time. As he does so, Drita’s eyes open, just slightly, but their color radiates like rays of the sun and a twinkle of other-worldly joy infuses them. Edon was waiting outside the Upper School building. He had leaned against the crumbling brick wall, wondering why he was “urgently needed here”.” There is no way that that happened at the same time, and it’s hard to tell if it’s a memory. The passage of time in this story was also pretty bad: “The joy of Liberty fills the air. The Berlin wall has been torn down.” This doesn’t even fit well in the story, even though it’s after the girl dies because it’s a relatively useless detail. Also, that poem at the end had no transition back to Edons thoughts, so it seems almost as though Edons thoughts where part of the poem.

on Nov. 9 2012 at 10:26 am
MasteroftheTroll, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Hell is other people." Jean-Paul Sartre

lilmama843 is actually Matt. . . (closet door now opened)... The Troll strikes again. Yeah, Pope I stole your line.

lilmama843 said...
on Nov. 9 2012 at 10:20 am
lilmama843, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
When you are writing a fiction piece, it is important to be consistent throughout the story so you won’t throw the reader off.  When you began the story you jumped right in to explaining what the room looked like leaving the reader confused. You started the story off by writing, “The bleakly overcast room in the Cancer Ward is watched by a secret police guard day and night.” It is important to establish a setting and introduce what is happening because after reading the first line your reader will get lost. It is clear that you need to work on your passage of time because your transitions moved way too fast. For example you wrote, ““She has fainted! Come help!”, “Fainted! Why?” to “They did not let her take the qualifying senior Literature exam”…” Drita had spent months studying for that final exam, so she may attend University for literature and eventually aspire to her dream of becoming a writer.” You went from writing an important scene with Drita fainting to her you explaining her life dream which was unnecessary and getting off topic. You also did not develop your characters very well. You should have started out the story by explaining Drita and her problem with cancer instead of what she looked like, “Her striking auburn hair contrasts with her pale skin. Dark eyebrows arch over her large olive eyes, which are closed.” You did not explain Drita’s problem thoroughly because after you explained what she looked like Edon was sitting beside her wetting Drita’s lips then all of a sudden they are both at a bus stop. You wrote, “Edon is holding a moistened napkin, wetting her lips.”…” Drita is in her final moments”… “The snow was frantically falling over the crowded bus stop.” Remember you have to be consistent! Overall after reading this piece I liked the idea of the story taking place during that specific time period and I think with heaving editing and revision your story can turn into something that future readers will enjoy.

on Nov. 9 2012 at 10:18 am
MasteroftheTroll, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Hell is other people." Jean-Paul Sartre

loserrrrr.... now trolling..  

ThePope said...
on Nov. 9 2012 at 7:26 am
ThePope, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
Carpe Diem

The Pope strikes again!

ThePope said...
on Nov. 9 2012 at 7:25 am
ThePope, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
Carpe Diem

                Just for starters, why are there guards in a cancer ward? Do you honestly think the cancer patients are going to rebel? I suggest the writer make that guard a doctor. It is a little more innocent then a guard walking around making sure no cancer patients head for the hills. Also, if that guard happened to me a member of the secret police it probably means the patient is a Jew. Why would they try to keep a Jew alive that can’t do anything for them? I am not able to suspend my disbelief long enough to understand the half of that.                 Also, there is no need to be a walking thesaurus. Some of the writers word choice was off and when the writer said “frantically falling over”, I wanted to punch the nearest English teacher in the face.  Was falling over not enough? I had no desire to know it happened “frantically”. Also, the use of adverbs only takes away from the rest of the story and the potential for good imagery.                 Another thing is when did a cancer patient gather up enough courage to get out of a hospital and go to a concentration camp? That seems a little off. Again, I was not able to suspend my disbelief. Maybe if the author stressed this little girl’s concern for her father a little more I would believe she would get out of her hospital bed and risk everything to see him.                 I did not mind the affection shown between the father and daughter. I was lost however through the writer’s passage of time. All of the sudden she is this famous dead writer and her brother is reading her work on a park bench. There was plenty of opportunities to make a little more sense there, yes I know you touched on her love for writing a few times, but if she had this kind of passion for the arts she could of at least been writing a poem in the cancer ward.

on Nov. 8 2012 at 6:37 pm
MasteroftheTroll, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Hell is other people." Jean-Paul Sartre

Somrics just went HAAAAAAMMMMM.... TWICE! bahahaha (sigh) I have no life...

on Nov. 8 2012 at 6:32 pm
MasteroftheTroll, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Hell is other people." Jean-Paul Sartre

To begin, this story was boring, dreary, and confusing. The first paragraph of a piece is vital in catching the readers’ attention and you did not do a good job of this. When your story began the mood was already solemn. However, you tried to stuff that feeling down the readers’ throat by presenting them with a dreary setting. You described everything in a lifeless manner saying things like” The gray paint on the walls” and “ [the]gray uneven line of molding wraps around the room”.  In other words, you over used the word gray. Your choice of vocabulary also seemed forced and often made things hard to understand like when you said “an intravenous supporter neighbors the stand” and “an Illyrian nose”. If you have to write the definition of a word in the story in fear of readers not understanding then maybe you should rethink your word choices. The scene in which the woman “threw Drita off of her lap and wiped her skirt” was irrelevant and only seemed to be the only way you thought you could possibly introduce the Holocaust as a factor to your story. Then comes the hole you created in this piece by adding the element of the concentration camp. Most concentration camps are places where people are taken where they can be killed in masses; it is not like modern prison. A little girl can not go to a camp and embrace her father through the fence without being shot on sight. I find it hard to believe that Drita’s father is in a concentration camp and she is not. It is rare for just one family member to be taken away; during World War II families were all sent to camps together. If it just so happened that Drita was not sent to a camp (which would be a miracle) I doubt she would even get in close proximity of one especially while in the care of a character like Edon; if you had written the scenario realistically you would have caught that little detail.  Also your transitions were abrupt and made the passing of time inconsistent. You took the reader from the cancer ward to a bus stop, then a school, and then the falling of the Berlin Wall. Needless to say you tried to stuff as many things as possible into the little that you wrote. I presume you did so to make your piece more interesting but this technique proved ineffective. Your ending was ineffective. The idea of Drita having a dream of being an author and then Edon reading her work at the end was very cliché as were the lines” Edon can only hope she has gone up to heaven, where she can accomplish her broken dreams.” It came off as you trying to be clever by adding in her wanting to be an author, mainly because you have submitted the story to TeenInk which can almost label you as an aspiring writer as well. Kudos for the effort but that detail was also stuffed into your already overcrowded piece. I believe you simply added the scene in which Drita fainted to introduce her dream of writing because you thought it would make the reader feel sympathy for her. In the end the final sentence was “Edon can only hope she has gone up to heaven, where she can accomplish her broken dreams” this was uncreative and gave off the feel that your title came before your story and you somehow felt you had to connect the two resulting in a not so thought out story. Overall, I think your piece was rushed, confusing and sorely lacking in information.  Having said all this I suggest taking your time and adding something that keeps the reader awake while they are trying to read. It might also help if you adopted the saying “less is more” as your motto and keep things simple and appealing.

somrics said...
on Nov. 8 2012 at 6:20 pm
somrics, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 4 comments
Your passage of time was way off, and made your piece even worse than it already is. You jumped through time with no proper cause, there was absolutely no build up for an transition other than when you stated “It is snowing,” in the first paragraph which reminded the main character of the time at the bus top. There it was somewhat earned for an transition. As I stated above the proper way is three * before and after the scene (which you used only once). Your story moved way to fast, first your at a cancer ward, then a bus stop, then a concentration camp, a university, the Berlin wall, and back at the cancer ward. Your everywhere in this short story. When you stated, “Edon is sitting beside Drita. He wets her lips one last time. As he does so, Drita’s eyes open, just slightly, but their color radiates like rays of the sun and a twinkle of other-worldly joy infuses them. Edon was waiting outside the Upper School building,” it was very unclear where your characters were. Were they in the secret police guarded ward or at the university? It’s very unclear, and confusing. Sometimes its okay to confuse the audience by making them think, but the only thing I thought of was I wanted to stop reading this piece. Passage of time with this kind of story is very crucial, I can’t express in words how much it’s needed when it comes to this piece. Where in your story was the university scene needed? Your going through all the trouble to make it seem like the character had it rough and out of no where she studying at college. I feel as if that whole scene should be gone. I get that, that is where she fainted and they first found out something was wrong, but it was unnecessary, we know she has cancer but we don‘t need to know when it started. Even though the character had cancer that wasn’t what the story was really about. Lastly the poem on page 223 was dreadful, not as bad as most things I’ve read on Teen Ink but it was not an award winner. It was abstract and boring, there is a difference between sad and beautiful poetry and sad and pathetic poetry. The poetry itself was cliché, like when you stated “From all the angels in the clouds, one trapped on earth,” I felt like a middle school wrote it and you plagiarized it. There was to much repetition which is only okay if your Dr. Seuss, which is dead. You said angels twice and wings about three times not counting the title, which was just as bad. If you stole that poem from a published author, I see why you didn’t credit them. Not only cause the poetry was elementary but also for the fact that it was in this horrid story, I wouldn‘t want credit either. I know I haven’t died yet, but I never heard of colleges for the heavenly. I understand the hope to show that unaccomplished dreams can be reach even in heaven like when you stated “Edon can only hope she has gone up to heaven, where she can accomplish her broken dreams,” but Drita is gonna have to wait for another life to accomplish that. It’s okay to say that if your writing for children. If you are trying to write from 15 and up the thought of a place after death is alright but school in heaven doesn’t really seem like paradise. Yours truly, Disappointed Reader

somrics said...
on Nov. 8 2012 at 6:19 pm
somrics, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 4 comments
           My first question to you Hilda is why is a secret police guard watching a cancer ward? There are in fact guards at hospitals and wards but its not a secret, and they are not police officers. Police and security are two different types of people with two different jobs.             You also spend more time on imagery then actually developing something good for people to read. You used imagery as a scapegoat for the lack plot, and other vital aspects that should be in a good story. It was clear that you were either lazy or lacked the ability to write the powerful story you were trying to portray. Your whole first paragraph and most of the story, besides dialog was imagery. It is important to show don’t tell, but you were showing us all the wrong things.             It’s okay to have flashbacks and flash forwards in the story, but you must do it properly. When you Hilda stated “it is snowing,” then transitioning to the snow at an over crowded bus stop, you failed to make an effective transition. The proper way to show flash back or forwards is to you three * before and after the scene to show the transition, which you only did once.               Hilda you also tried too hard to establish sympathy or empathy, which made it hard for us the readers to have for the character. By throwing so many sob stories at once, without adding more to them it made your piece very mediocre. Your character did not earn the sympathy or empathy you were trying so hard to establish but failed.. Just because a character has cancer and was part of the holocaust does not mean they earned what you wanted the audience to feel. You also lacked what really happened during the holocaust. I don’t know if you know this but Nazi’s and many Germans hated anyone in concentration camps especially Jewish people. I don’t know if her dad was Jewish or not but I doubt they allowed visitors, and if she was Jewish herself she wouldn’t be visiting, she would be staying. There could have been a chance her father was a prisoner of war, but still he would not have visitors regardless. When writing about an historical event such as the holocaust, research is the best thing for you to do. Some advice, when you try too hard when writing, your piece doesn’t turn out the way you want it.              

on Nov. 8 2012 at 10:20 am
notquitesoquaint, Moncks Corner, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
"How dare you sitdown to write when you have not stood up to live."

When writing any piece of literature it is important to establish a clear plot, and setting that is consistent throughout the story, particularly when the story involves swift flashbacks.From the start of your story, the reader is thrown into some room, in cancer ward, in the middle of god knows where. Where is the exposition Thestory's beginning lines should introduce the reader to the plot and setting, not launch them into confusion. You wrote: "The bleakly overcast room in the cancer ward is watched by a secret police guard day and night. Inside, floorboards creak when the slightest bit of pressure is put on them." Perhaps you wanted to create a since of mystery for the reader by leading them into the story this way, and you did establish mood, however do to the swift flashbacks and events the occur later in the story, you should have established a secure plot and setting in the first few lines, and established a mood later. It is clear that you struggled with passage of time. You allowed the reader to settle on the thought of Drita having cancer, then suddenly we are placed in a concentration camp, and shortly following this we are witnessing Dritas death. The transitions are way too fast. The reader hardly has time to feel anything after Drita passes because the story is filled with transition after transition i mean it's miserable being moved so abruptly. Slow your transitions down. Spend more time in particular scenes, use literary techniques like characterization to build a connection between character and reader. By doing this you're laying foundation and preparing the reader for however many transitions you want. Also I have many unanswered questions about Drita. WHy is she allowed to visit her father in a concentration camp. Why wasn't she imprisoned in that camp? Why is Edon Tending to Drita, and suddenly he appears outside conversating with Monda at an upper school building ? I thought they were in a cancer ward. Is the cancer ward within this school ? We the readers don't know. You said "Edon is sitting beside Drita, he wets her lips one last time...Drita's eyes open but the color radiates like rays of the sun and a twinkle of other worldly joy fuses them. Edon was waiting outside the upper school building...a girl was running towards him...Edon realized it was Monda, Drita's best friend." -__- how did we get here ? And why are we in a school ? Keep in mind that the reader only knows what you allow them to, and you haven't given us much to work with here. Overall I enjoyed your usage of imagery and when you used mood I was very impressed. I honestly enjoyed the piece, it was an interesting read. And i hope you decide, with this advice, to edit you piece and maybe re-post it. After some major editing, I know this piece can go really far.  

on Nov. 7 2012 at 4:22 pm
NoMercy666 BRONZE, Goose Creek, South Carolina
2 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It aint no sin to be glad you're alive." -Springsteen

       To begin, I’m almost positive you had no plot in mind when you started writing this. There are plenty of authors that can “go with the flow” and you are not one of them. The “conflicts” you placed in the story were ineffective in creating controversy. Starting with the character having cancer, jumping back into a concentration camp, and then following it with the fall of the Berlin Wall was just not a well thought out plan in the sense of the plot of this story. It’s obvious that you tried to stray away from the usual passage of time by using flashbacks, but they served no purpose. For instance, the scene on the bus was unimportant, ““Where are you going?” … “I’m going to see my father!” … She threw Drita off her lap and wiped her skirt as though it had been soiled…”, this part is confusing as to how it contributes to the story, probably because it doesn’t.  The showing of distain towards her family was over kill in such a small passage with a conflict already in the works.      You also used poor vocabulary and were terribly undescriptive. You often stated things as being “gray”. Within consecutive lines of the first paragraph you used repetitive language. For example, two lines read, “There, a gray uneven line of molding wraps around the room. The gray paint on the wall is cracked with age,” and I understand that the mood is supposed to be solemn but no matter how depressing the scene is there is still color in the world!      Finally, it probably would have been in your favor to have done research on the historical events you placed in the story. You wrote the part, “The guards eyed them maliciously; they did not stop them, but held a tight grip on their guns,” and I’m sure that would not have been the case to family visiting each other in a concentration camp, they’re actually notorious for being uncaring.      Overall I disliked your story and found it too full of errors to pay attention to the actual plot. Maybe after some hard editing it’ll be much better! :)

on Aug. 3 2011 at 3:27 pm
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott

Very touching and beautiful.

Can someone look at some of my work, rate, and, comment, please? (Especially the poems, when posted.)


on Jan. 17 2011 at 9:35 am
WerewolfWriting BRONZE, Eerie, Nevada
4 articles 0 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life is not about the breaths we take but about the people who take our breath away."

Very intense. Written so professionally! Great job! :)

on Nov. 12 2010 at 4:11 pm
datrumpeter PLATINUM, Jefferson City, Missouri
40 articles 6 photos 59 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes. that way, when you insult them, you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have their shoes.'

its striking... and so well written. its beautiful!

check out my work, please.


on Feb. 2 2010 at 7:29 pm
robrobrobin11 BRONZE, Concord, New Hampshire
4 articles 2 photos 25 comments
Such passion, such finese. Gorgeous writing.

A.Romires said...
on Dec. 17 2009 at 7:17 pm
Very moving, painful…, and superbly written.


SciArc

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