Sadists Don't Mix Well With Anything

July 22, 2013
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“Gin-san! Gin-sann!” Shimura Shinpachi searched the building for the familiar perm of his boss.

He’d walked into the Yorozuya that morning the same time he always did, yet Sakata Gintoki was nowhere to be found. Shinpachi stopped outside the sliding doors of the bedroom and took a deep breath.


Shinpachi flung the door open to see Gintoki sprawled out on his futon, seemingly sound asleep. The straight man sighed and prepped his lecture mode.

“I know you’re awake, Gin-san. You have work today remember?”


A pillow came soaring to hit the four-eyes in the face, knocking him to the ground. He sprang to his feet with righteous indignation. “Hey! What did I do to deserve that-?”

“Ugh, what are you? My mother?” The natural perm mumbled into the futon.

“No! But, I can bring one in if you want!”

“Fine, fine…” Gintoki sat up slowly and stared at Shinpachi with bleary eyes. His hair was even messier than usual and he looked decidedly bedraggled.

Shinpachi frowned, suddenly concerned for his friend. “Are you okay, Gin-san? You look like you stayed up all night.”
The perm sighed and ran a hand through his hopelessly messy head of hair.

“I’m fine, Pattsan. I’m fine. I just had a weird dream is all.”

“A dream? About what?”

Gintoki’s brow furrowed before he replied, “Parfaits… and blood.”

He let out a breath of relief.

“Parfaits must be normal for you, Gin-san! Wait… blood?! Why did you dream about blood? How do parfaits and blood even go together?”
His boss shrugged and got to his feet. “I dunno. I’m going to take a shower.”

With that, Gintoki walked out the door, leaving his companion wondering if he had finally gone off the deep end.

* * *
The Yorozuya were on their way to a job when they came upon a familiar face in the park. Kagura was the first to notice and Gintoki had to prevent her from lashing out at said person.

Shinpachi approached the person on the bench more courteously. “Okita-kun? What are you doing here?”

“Hm?” He lifted his eye mask and stared at Shinpachi. “Oh, it’s Four-Eyes.”

“Is that all I’m good for?! My glasses?”

Gintoki walked up with Kagura in a headlock. “Cool it, Four-Eyes.”

“You too?”

“Boss, why are you here?”

Kagura wriggled out of Gintoki’s grasp and held up a basket.
“We’re going on a picnic!” she grinned, abruptly forgetting her dislike for Sougo.
“How many times do I need to tell you?” Gintoki complained. “The old lady wants us to give it to the client!”
“So, I can’t eat it?” Kagura asked with a loaf of bread in her mouth.
Shinpachi recovered and reiterated, “No, you can’t-! Hey! Get that out of your mouth!”
The two dissolved into a tussle, and Gintoki and Sougo watched with bored looks.
“Hey, boss, you look different. Did you get a haircut?” Sougo asked.
“Nah, if I had I would ask for straight hair.” He sat down next to the Shinsengumi First Captain and crossed his legs. “I just had a freaky dream.”
Sougo nodded with fake sympathy. “What a coincidence. I did too.”
“What? Really?” The silver-haired samurai raised a skeptical eyebrow.
“Uh huh… It went something like this…”
Begin Sougo’s Flashback
I was counting to fall asleep like I usually do.
“One dead Hijikata… Two dead Hijikatas…” In my dream, I’d gotten to a couple hundred dead Hijikatas when I woke up…
End Sougo’s Flashback
“… And there was another dead Hijikata right in front of me.”
Sougo turned to Gintoki. “Is it normal for your dreams to come to life like that?”
“Eh…” the corner of the samurai’s lips twitched. “Your dream is normal, but I’d thought Mayora-san was long dead by now.”
“What?!” Shinpachi stood up in outrage. “How can this just count as normal, or even just weird? Okita-san, didn’t you kill your superior!!!”
Meanwhile, he was still conferring to Gintoki, whispering as one would to confide a deep secret. “I mean, it is a dream come true, but…”
“Everyone knew your deep, dark secret! You tried to kill Hijikata-san every chance you got!”
Kagura took her head out of the picnic basket. “How can you hear the narrator, Shinpachi-kun?”
“That’s beside the point! And stop eating the gift!”
Gintoki put his chin in his hand and looked dramatically into the distance. Then, he turned to Sougo. “Are you sure Mayora is dead?”
“That’s what you’re worried about?!”
“No, seriously,” Gintoki glanced at Shinpachi.
Sougo frowned. “What makes you think-?”
“Look.” The samurai pointed down the path where a dust cloud was rising. “Isn’t that him right now?”
Sure enough, when everyone looked they noticed that the dust cloud appeared suspiciously like a smoking, mayonnaise addict. And he was suddenly close- too close.
“SOUGO!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!”
“Wow. He’s pretty mad,”Gintoki remarked dryly.
“Whoa! He caught air!” Kagura yelled.
Hijikata had used his running start to jump up high and now he was coming down fast.
Shinpachi sweat dropped. “He’s turned into one of those characters who announce all their special attacks…”
Sougo leapt off the bench moments before Hijikata’s kick came crashing through the wood.
He looked back and summarized everything up in two words.
“Uh oh.”
Beside him, having narrowly avoided certain death, Gintoki groaned. “Why? Why does he always have to appear?”
As he spoke, Hijikata had detached his leg from a chunk of the destroyed bench and was already stalking towards them.
“You’re not getting away this time, you damn sadist!”
Gintoki was beginning to realize his part in all this, however small and began to chant, “Please don’t get me involved. Please don’t get me involved. Sweet merciful heavens please don’t get me involved!”
“It’s too late, boss,” Sougo stated, patting him on the shoulder.
He turned to glare at him. “I’m a sadist, not a masochist, damn it!”
Shinpachi had had enough and now agreed. “Yes, yes. Come on, Kagura-chan. Let’s leave these two sadists to have fun, shall we?” He took Kagura by the arm and began leading her away.
“Are we going to have a picnic without Gin-chan?”
“Uh… you ate any picnic anyone was going to have, but sure. After the job, we can go on a picnic.”
“Yay!” They walked off and the sadists’ fates were sealed.
“There’s only one thing we can do in this situation, boss.”
Gintoki looked at Sougo hopefully. “What thing?”
Suddenly, Hijikata burst into a charge.
They met eyes and immediately understood.

“So… let me get this straight… You want me to hang out with you two because you accidentally beat up the Shinsengumi vice-commander and now he’s out for your blood…?”

Gintoki shook his head and corrected, “Not quite. Sougo here was the one who was doing the beating up.”
The captain seemed unaffected and pointedly ignored the frustrated samurai.
“You see, Madao-san. You’re innocent and even the demon vice-commander wouldn’t involve a fine and upstanding citizen like yourself.”
“Madao-san? Is that my name now? I know I’m a Madao, but Madao-san?”
At this, Gintoki tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Ah! I think he’s right, Sougo. There’s something wrong.”
“What? Really?”
“Yeah. Wait a second.” The samurai bent down, and then came up holding a pair of dirty, black sunglasses. “Here.”
“Okay, so you understand our situation right Madao-san?” Both men crouched before the sunglasses.
Hasegawa suddenly realized his sunglasses were missing. “Yes! There’s something wrong with your brains! Madao-san is over here! Those are Madao-san’s sunglasses!”
A dark smirk spread across Sougo’s face.
“Did you hear that boss? Madao-san finally admitted he’s Madao-san.”
An identical smirk was worn by Gintoki. “Ohh… then I guess if he wants his sunglasses back he’ll have to come with us.”
Two looming shadows abruptly obscured Hasegawa’s last chance of rescue and he shrunk away helplessly. “Eh? W-what are you doing????”
Sougo and Gintoki each took hold of one of his arms and began dragging him away as he screamed, “Waiittt!!! How is this a favor to a friend? Aren’t I just your shield? Help me!!!!!”
Five minutes later…
Hasegawa was coated in dust and pieces of trash from being dragged like a body in a sack by the two men.
“Gin-san… please… I’ve lost feeling in my legs- oomph!”
Gintoki and Sougo dropped Hasegawa unceremoniously in the middle of the street.
The white-haired samurai put his hand to his chin, “Do you think we lost him?”
His accomplice stared back blankly.
“Does it matter? Can’t I just kill him-?” Sougo began to draw his sword.
“No, no, no! I don’t want to be an accessory to murder!”
Gintoki grabbed his shoulders and pushed him inside the nearest store.
Sougo stared out the window dully as Gintoki gobbled down his second strawberry parfait in just as many minutes.
“What is it? I’m trying to replenish my sugar levels here if you haven’t noticed!” the silver-haired samurai mumbled around another mouthful of parfait.
“Boss… isn’t that person familiar?”
Gintoki turned his head just in time to see a bomb headed their way. It ticked once more and exploded, blowing the glass inwards and the rest of his sugary dessert to smithereens. Customers screamed in the wake of the explosion and ran for cover, while Okita hefted his bazooka and fired another round into the street.
His companion poked his head out from under the table. “Oi! What are you doing? You’re drawing attention to us! What if that mayo freak finds out-? “
“Boss,” Sougo turned to look at him. “I forgot to tell you, I have no money for those parfaits.”
“Ehhhhh?!” Gintoki’s jaw dropped and he had no choice but to jump out of the wreckage of the storefront after Sougo. “Don’t tell me you destroyed the store just to avoid paying the bill!”
At this rate, we’ll be arrested for more than an eat-and-run, Gintoki thought furiously.
“Damn, I should’ve stayed in bed today,” he groaned aloud.
Sougo stepped over the prone body of one of the terrorists that had attacked the store. ”I think we have bigger problems now, boss.”
The shriek of sirens blared in their ears, growing ever closer and Gintoki didn’t think- he ran.
Unfortunately, Sougo followed him. The damn man was the police, wasn’t he? Couldn’t he talk to them or pay them off or something?
They swung around a corner, into an alley and pulled up abruptly at the next street. A police car idled before the two, obviously dispatched to deal with the incident Sougo and Gintoki were involved in.
“Screw it!” Gintoki realized he was in too deep now.
With a holler he lunged forward, smashed in the driver’s side window and yanked out the officer inside.
He tossed him into the dust with enough force to knock him out and Sougo slid into the passenger’s seat beside him.
Gintoki slammed the door shut and hit the accelerator, jerking forward and barely missing the unconscious copper.
“I’m impressed, boss,” Sougo commented, rather casually for their situation. His following smirk could not be missed.
By now, Gintoki couldn’t care less, and if they encountered Hijikata at this point all the better. He would run over the freaking bastard who was as much of a pain in the ass as the sadist he was riding with.
Red and blue lights blinked in the rearview mirror- the police squad cars had zeroed in on them. Sougo sat up straighter in his seat and pointed.
“Turn there!”
Gintoki jerked his head around and yelled, “Turn where? There’s nowhere to go but straight-!”
His shout transformed into a scream of terror as something big, white and with hairy legs leapt in front of their car.
Katsura rode the big, white, alien thing piggyback and thrust his arm in the air with a cry that was easily audible through the broken side windows, “Go forth, Elizabeth! We Joui have won the battle today! Muahahaha!”
There was a beat of silence inside the car, before Gintoki nodded. “Ah, I see.”
He spun the wheel abruptly and the car went skidding across the street, clipping a vegetable stand before he gunned the engine still further. Blood streaked the windshield, but he could still see as much.
Sougo was leaning forward, watching the chaos following in the wake of the chase with glittering eyes. “Boss-“
The silver samurai held up a hand, and bowled through a trash can as a result.
“I know. If we can’t outrun them, we can say ‘hey we’re right here!’ and go straight through!”
His grin was slightly maniacal as their beaten up squad car soared into the police lined up in a barricade ahead. Gintoki laughed as the line broke out in flames, laughed so hard he cried- oh it hurt so much- as the flaming debris rose up to meet them.
He was going to die, he was going to die. Damn, Shinpachi was going to be so disappointed in him and Kagura… Kagura would feed all his belongings to Sadaharu before even checking he was well and truly dead.
Hands closed around his arm and Gintoki felt himself being dragged out of the ruined vehicle. And suddenly, he was running, Sougo swinging his sword at his side.
Gintoki breathed in the pungent stench of smoke and burnt flesh and winced. Maybe it wasn’t so great to be alive. He glanced back and the destruction wasn’t quite as bad as he’d feared. Three, maybe four squad cars were burning, the rest were stalled on the other side of the failed barricade.
“Haa!” Sougo swung his sword and cut a gory swath through, not innocent civilians or hapless police men, but grizzled and opportunistic terrorists.
Terrorists who charged forward with shouts of triumph which quickly drained to gargles as their claims of, “This is our chance, avenge Katsura-san!” all came to naught.
Gintoki joined in, partly knowing most of the men weren’t Zura’s people at all and partly because he was so tired and irritated he was happy to add a topping of blood to his parfaits from earlier.
“Go home!” he yelled as he knocked out yet another man. “I’m sure Zura is back there watching soap opera reruns with that monster of his!”
The two men quickly broke through the disorganized group of Joui and high tailed it down the alleys of Edo. Gintoki’s breath came in pants and he wiped his forehead as they continued to run. Maybe, getting rid of some pesky terrorists would count for something. He could only hope.

“Ah, damn. I really need to be more careful,” the natural perm groaned, head hanging. “Every time I run into these people… I should treat my dreams as freaking omens.”
“That’s not fair, boss. My dream didn’t come true.”
“And it’s a good thing yours don’t!” Gintoki shot back, glaring at the First Division Captain.
Sougo shrugged, looking the picture of ease as he leaned against a supporting pillar of the run-down shrine they had sought asylum at. Gintoki shook his head and continued to sit on the topmost step of the stairs leading into the spider-ridden building.
The silence persisted, neither man one for needless, empty words, until Gintoki let out a deep breath and sighed, “Nothing goes right when I get involved with anything. Am I cursed? Am I like Sasuke? Huh? Or this a sign I should start watching my blood sugar? Because if it is… it’s not gonna happen Kami-sama!”
The other man glanced up at the stormy sky as Gintoki yelled into the heavens. It would probably start raining any minute.
“Don’t you like it?”

Gintoki glanced at Sougo and noticed that his disinterested gaze was somewhat serious.

He snorted, “Like what? Getting knee high in debt and running from everything from giant alien slime to government dogs?”
“It’s fun isn’t it?” Sougo replied with a smirk. “I saw the look in your eyes, boss.”

The two samurai stared at each other for a strenuous moment before Gintoki lifted his hand and scratched the back of his neck.
“Oi, I don’t ask for trouble, but since it finds me anyways… I’m not gonna lie down and die…” he trailed off, only to grin. “Call me a sadist all you want. If I fight I’ll put all my strength into my sword no matter what.”

There was a wild light in the silver samurai’s eyes and the Shinsengumi captain was reminded of how dangerous and unpredictable this man really was. This man who would topple empires for his own peculiar brand of bushido, and never stop, never rest- he would just relish the fight until it’s bloody, bloody end.

Sougo’s smirk spread. “Boss, there’s a reason why we don’t play well with others.”

Gintoki got to his feet and stretched. He glanced over his shoulder with a raised brow.

“Oh yeah? Well, we’re all going to kick the bucket someday.”

“We haven’t had the chance to fight yet, boss.”

Gintoki looked up and drops of water landed on his face. He shielded his eyes and slid his wooden sword into his belt.

“I owe you for today, but it’s starting to rain,” he turned back with a smirk. “Can’t let those two worry about me.”

“Don’t get killed, boss.”

He started to walk off. “I won’t. I like living too much. Oh, and if you don’t off that mayora soon, I might have to do it for you.”
Sougo’s hand drifted to his own sword.

“What are you talking about, boss? Hijikata is just incredibly clumsy and reckless.”

Gintoki’s laugh drifted into the oncoming downpour, and his hand rose as he left for his own niche in life.

The two parted ways, both samurai comforted and exhilarated by the knowledge that there was one other person like them in the world that would make their way… with no regrets.

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