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Romeo and Juliet: A Parody/Summary

Romeo knelt in the crypt, the vial of poison held to his lips. Beside him, the body of Juliet, his true love, lay still and peaceful, as though she was only asleep (except for the fact that she WAS only asleep). But Romeo was a dramatic young man, and without actually taking a pulse on Juliet, he insisted that suicide was the only solution. No regrets surfaced in his mind, but the story that led to this untimely death flashed before his eyes.

Standing outside the gates of a party that he wasn’t supposed to attend in the first place, he adjusted his weird-looking tights that guys wore in Shakespeare’s time and and stared at himself in the mirror. With a flourish, he entered, and scanned the crowds for Rosaline, who he thought was his true love.

But apparently Rosaline had other ideas, because she dumped him as soon as she laid eyes on him. Maybe it was the tights; we may never know. Distraught, Romeo searched the party for someone else to fall for, and discovered Juliet, Lord Capulet’s daughter. Of course, the Capulet’s were feuding with his family, but at the time that seemed like a minor inconvenience. He flipped his hair, and sautered in her direction.

Evidently, Juliet had a weakness for hair flips, because she fell in love with him that very night, and stupid Romeo, even after realizing that she was the daughter of his worst enemy, stood below her bedroom window and shouted up to her. I don’t know what Juliet thought he was saying, but he hollered a few rhymes about the Sun and the Moon and a bunch of sappy poetry that she probably didn’t even understand.

Nonetheless, when the airhead below her tower proposed, she impulsively said to him, “Sure! Let’s do it tomorrow!” Romeo immediately sprinted down to the Friar’s cell, miraculously managing to avoid running into a tree or tripping and breaking his neck, despite his mental state at the time. The Friar was reluctant to marry such a young couple whose love was just a LITTLE bit forbidden. I don’t know how much Romeo paid him to do it, but he did.

But since nothing in the life of a Shakespeare character is EVER simple, Juliet’s father decides to marry her to Paris, a decent young man who, unlike Romeo, doesn’t propose after a day, doesn’t stand outside windows spouting poetry about the size of his girlfriend’s lips, and isn’t a stalker. In spite of all that, however, Juliet loves Romeo so much that she’s too busy crying and moaning and throwing a huge fit to realize that the only way to get herself out of such a situation is to DO something about it.
Finally, she came to her senses, though not enough to understand what she’d gotten herself into for marrying Romeo, so she climbed out of her tower and, without falling to her death even though she’s wearing a ball gown and flats, clambered to the ground. Realistic much?
She ran to the Friar’s cell, because obviously nobody in that town could just WALK to the Friar’s cell, and complained to him, since no one in her house would give her sympathy. The Friar got sick of the whole mess and offered to get them out of the town alive. Alive sounded very nice to Juliet, considering she would just DIE if she had to marry Paris.
He gave her a potion that would make her fall asleep, seeing as no one checked pulses in those days. He offered to send a message to Romeo, who got himself banished for killing Juliet’s cousin, because obviously murdering someone’s cousin is the best action to take for a successful marraige. Juliet accepted, for even though Romeo, along with being a stalker, was also an assassin.
Juliet took the potion the night before her wedding day, and after her family was finished wringing their hands and sobbing over her, she was lowered into the family crypt, where it all went down. First there was Paris, who stood there crying his eyes out for a few hours, until Romeo showed up and stuck a sword through him, proving that he was, indeed, a serial killer. Then Romeo, having bribed an herb seller for a deadly poison (don’t ask me why an herb seller would have such a thing), committed suicide.
Juliet woke up, and, at the sight before her, also committed suicide, the little drama queen. When Romeo’s mother found them, she ALSO committed suicide, until there were four dead melodromatics lying in the crypt. Probably a very awkward scene when the priest came and found them.
Anyhow, to draw this tale to a close, the two feuding families became friends, and lived happily ever after as just about the only two people left alive in the town. And the whole predicament was all the fault of Romeo and Juliet.




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live4words said...
Oct. 19, 2012 at 8:43 pm:
Hahaha this is funny! I find Romeo and Juliet totally ridiculous sometimes, so I loved this! :)
 
AthenaMarisaDeterminedbyFateThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Oct. 19, 2012 at 8:55 pm :
I had to read it for seventh grade, and it was begging to be made fun of :)
 
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