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Rapunzel and the Zoning Ordinance

After The Handsome Prince rescued Rapunzel from the tower in which an evil which had imprisoned her, Rapunzel became Mrs. The H. Prince, and they moved to a small suburb of Fairyland. The Handsome Prince’s house was quite lavish and spacious, but Rapunzel was so used to hanging her hair out the window that she customarily fed it out through the window of whatever room she was in and into the yard, where she allowed neighborhood children to rake it into piles and jump in.

One day Jack Sprat, an inspector for the County Zoning Board, was making his rounds. He was quite grumpy that day, quite like anyone would be if they lived entirely on Slimfast. His wife, meanwhile, had been instructed by her doctor to eat so many carbs that she had bloated like a balloon. Her anti-health kick had been tolerable at first, since Jack Sprat was a faithful man who loved his wife unconditionally, but Sprat was growing frustrated as of late because his wife’s incredible quantity of fat had spread to her head and blocked the pores from which her hair emerged—or, used to. His wife was almost now completely bald. She was still the playful, intelligent woman Jack Sprat had once loved, but he almost felt ashamed escorting her to The Merry Dwarf pub these days, where all the other men of Fairyland were parading around wives with full heads of hair.

On this particular day, Jack Sprat was passing Rapunzel’s street, Fairydust Ave, to check on some repeat offenders, a fraternity of pigs who always seemed to have built illegally structured houses that were a blight on the county and had angered the last inspector so much that he had destroyed them and been carted off to jail. According to a call from the president of the Fairydust Homeowner’s Association, the pigs had recently built a house out of yarn that was certainly in violation of Bylaw 14(a).6 of the zoning laws: Do not build your house so that a wolf could blow it down, moron.

On his way to the house of yarn, Jack Sprat got distracted by thinking what a good name House of Yarn would be for a rock band or a b-movie horror flick, starring himself. As dreams of rescuing a hot, nude young coed being strangled by possessed yarn in front of filming cameras danced through his head, he realized that he had passed the pigs’ residence and was right in front of a house with a strangely yellow lawn. It smelled like Pert Plus.

He got out of his car to take a closer look and realized that what was covering the lawn was hair. Thick, beautiful, plentiful, existing hair. Jack Sprat followed the strand of hair to a young woman sitting on the living room couch, humming and watching Cookin’ on Drury Lane with The Muffin Man on the television as she ran a hairbrush through her hair. Her gorgeous, flowing, abundant hair. That Jack Sprat’s wife no longer had.

Why should this skinny b****’s husband get to come home to a full head of hair every night? He probably had no idea how lucky he was to make love to someone without being turned off by the sight of their scalp. Jack Sprat was filled with rage and jealousy. He grabbed a ‘violation’ notice from his car, wrote “HAIR FILLING LAWN. VIOLATION OF BYLAW 433(B).2 ‘MUST KEEP LAWN WELL-MAINTAINED AND FREE OF FOREIGN OBJECTS’. CORRECT WITHIN 30 DAYS.” He stapled the notice to Rapunzel’s flowing hair and continued on his way.

Jack Sprat drove by the house every day and, to his rage, Rapunzel did not find the note, now strangled by her voluminous hair. After 30 days had passed, Jack Sprat gleefully trotted up to the front door and slid in a message announcing that the Prince’s would have to pay a five thousand dollar fine for refusing to adhere to zoning bylaws.

When The Handsome Prince came trotting home from his day job, selling shampoo, on his gallant steed, he was none too pleased to find out that he had been fined five thousand dollars for his wife’s hair. He refused to keep her hair in the house because it would get all over the furniture and on his clothes, and when people saw a shampoo salesman of all people with hair on his clothes they tended to think it was a good idea to scrub their hair with their suit jackets, and then those got ruined and his company faced costly lawsuits. Of course, he refused to have her cut her hair because, although he would never admit this, he enjoyed having her tie him up with half of it and whip him with the other half. In protest, he and his wife attended the city council meeting to fight against their fine. Rapunzel’s hair occupied thirty-seven seats, which the town council greatly appreciated because it kept Old Mother Hubbard from coming and complaining that she had not received her monthly welfare check.

After The Handsome Prince had snapped about government infringing on the maintenance of his property, Jack Sprat stood up and offered to waive the five thousand dollar fee in exchange for his wife’s hair.

“I have a better idea,” said The Handsome Prince, and he took Jack Sprat into a back alley and beat the crap out of him. No one questioned it, because he was The Handsome Prince. The town council voted unanimously to overturn the fine, and they all went home annoyed with everyone involved, because zoning boards tend to do that sort of thing.

Moral: Do not work for the county zoning board unless you want a handsome prince to beat you up in a back alley. Also, don’t marry bald chicks.

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VanendraThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 29, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Lmao...I love the twists, great story!!!! ^-^ <3
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