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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1984 comments.

Robsessed PLATINUM said...
on Jun. 29 2010 at 12:45 am
Robsessed PLATINUM, McKinney, Texas
23 articles 1 photo 199 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I may be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

"Did you know 'I told you so' has a brother, Jacob?" she asked cutting me off. "His name is 'Shut the hell up.'" - Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn

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LOL! "Can't you see my eggo is preggo" - that was hilarious! I love Twilight, actually, I'm obsessed, but this was so freaking funny.

You shoud do one for other series like Harry Potter or something.

Inkmusic GOLD said...
on Jun. 28 2010 at 2:43 pm
Inkmusic GOLD, Renton, Washington
15 articles 6 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
~Terry Pratchett

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LOVE IT!!!! OH MY GAWD!!! XD. My friends are all going to love this, hahaha...
AriaLabyrinth BRONZE said...
on Jun. 28 2010 at 1:58 am
AriaLabyrinth BRONZE, Fresno, California
1 article 0 photos 24 comments

Favorite Quote:
"To Each Her Own"

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It took me 8 minutes to read this because I was laughing SO HARD!!!!
xAllegria BRONZE said...
on Jun. 27 2010 at 2:11 am
xAllegria BRONZE, Singapore, Other
1 article 2 photos 112 comments

Favorite Quote:
Ça fait tellement du bien d’aimer les gens qu’on aime, que ça finit par faire mal. Je sais pas comment on survit a ça. Non franchement, je sais pas. LOL (laughing out loud) ®, Lola.

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Pfft... x) You must have had so much fun writing this haha. It changes much from what we've had so far on Teen Ink.
Surrealist14 said...
on Jun. 26 2010 at 9:03 am
Surrealist14, Greenville, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 50 comments
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I applaud your satire, but the concept is way over done. Still, I bow to the comedy.
SocialCollision SILVER said...
on Jun. 25 2010 at 7:04 pm
SocialCollision SILVER, Hampton, Georgia
9 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
\"When we\'re taught to love everyone, to love our enemies, What value does that place on love?\" Marilyn Manson

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Love!!! Hilarious! Nice work!
KatiKat BRONZE said...
on Jun. 25 2010 at 10:24 am
KatiKat BRONZE, Middle Of Nowhere, Vermont
3 articles 14 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
The most important thing in life is learning how to laugh just for the sake of laughing! -Me

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This is terrific! By the way, could someone come and comment on my work? I really need it.
star-gazing-dreamer GOLD said...
on Jun. 23 2010 at 10:05 pm
star-gazing-dreamer GOLD, Pittsgrove, New Jersey
11 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
Everywhere I have sought rest and not found it,
except sitting in a corner by myself with a little book.
~ Thomas Kempis ~

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twilight in a nutshell. Funny :). Yet i still like the story
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM said...
on Jun. 23 2010 at 8:12 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2206 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

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I could read this 495 times and still laugh my head off!!!!!!!! I have actually read it about THREE times. 
AsherJ SILVER said...
on Jun. 23 2010 at 7:38 pm
AsherJ SILVER, Parker, Colorado
6 articles 2 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
~Dr. Seuss

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Oh my gosh... This is hilarious! It is also a very good summarization (idk if that is how you spell it) AWESOME JOB!!!
Mongo BRONZE said...
on Jun. 23 2010 at 4:56 pm
Mongo BRONZE, Uhrichsville, Ohio
4 articles 4 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
the function of music is to release us from the tyranny of concious thought

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lol im a twilight fan but that was hilarious!
ilovepolkadots said...
on Jun. 23 2010 at 12:18 am
ilovepolkadots, Joplin, Missouri
0 articles 0 photos 15 comments
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Oh my god! That was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING EITHER! KEEP WRITING MORE!!!
Love1321 PLATINUM said...
on Jun. 22 2010 at 3:07 pm
Love1321 PLATINUM, Harrisville, Utah
21 articles 26 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart that understands." Anonymous

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I could NOT stop laughing! THAT'S sooooooooooo funny! GOOD JOB! And its true, that's pretty much all that happens in Twilight. Lol...
fyreflies BRONZE said...
on Jun. 22 2010 at 12:32 pm
fyreflies BRONZE, Randolph, Wisconsin
4 articles 0 photos 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Doctor Suess
"Oh, of course it doesn't hurt to slide in softball." (before I tore up both knees and before I slapped that person)
"Stay with me here now/And never surrender" Skillet

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My friend Raven and I could not stop laughing about this. We probably laughed for an hour, then said something random about the article and laughed even harder. I like the scene with the happy together thing. That looks like something I'd say. :) Way to make me laugh! LOL.
Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jun. 22 2010 at 10:09 am
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

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HA HA HA!! I like the "Edward, kill me so I may live forever" part the best. ha ha.
Demon_of_Truth said...
on Jun. 22 2010 at 8:37 am
Demon_of_Truth, Warrenton, Virginia
0 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm not a geek, I prefer the term 'intellectual bad-a**"

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i think you really got the true meaning behind the books to show: never trust a sparkly guy who says he's a vampire.
brainiac SILVER said...
on Jun. 21 2010 at 9:34 pm
brainiac SILVER, Grove City, Ohio
8 articles 1 photo 26 comments

Favorite Quote:
Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.

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Ha ha! You're close.
TeamJacobArchuleta2 SILVER said...
on Jun. 20 2010 at 11:54 pm
TeamJacobArchuleta2 SILVER, Beverly Hills, California
5 articles 4 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
He's the one I call late at night, the one who makes everything alright. He loves me with no regrets, I just haven't found him yet.

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Haha, that was too funny! Me & my friends made a Twilight parody type thing that I was thinking about posting on here so it's so funny that you made this! I'm favoriting this piece lol :)
madilyne BRONZE said...
on Jun. 20 2010 at 8:52 pm
madilyne BRONZE, Lancaster, Wisconsin
2 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
being diffrent is one of the best things i have ever done with my life

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i love this, serioulsly better than the books and movies
_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Jun. 20 2010 at 4:03 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

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Lol, no joke, thats the whole story right there. And it's not lame