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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



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This article has 1783 comments. Post your own now!

swiftie_emzThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
today at 8:24 am
I DO NOT EVEN NEED TO WATCH THE MOVIES ANYMORE BECAUSE NOT ONLY DOES THIS MAKE SENSE, THE AUTHOR USED A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR TOO. LOVE ITT
 
LanaJ said...
Jan. 15 at 6:21 pm
Man this was good.
 
SweetCaroline14This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 13 at 7:42 pm
The words the author didnt say...
 
RedHadanThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 13 at 5:02 pm
I can't, this is freaking hilarious!
 
Elizabethhh said...
Jan. 8 at 8:47 pm
HAHAHAHAHAH that's hilarious!!!! Can you do something like this with the hunger games? :D
 
Thefanatasticagirlie101This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 1 at 2:14 pm
This is sooo hilarious... Great work!!!
 
Kimm_GThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Dec. 31, 2014 at 5:18 pm
I'm dying laughing so hard, awsome
 
avadakedavra said...
Dec. 27, 2014 at 9:01 pm
Not to be stereotypical or anything but... #TRUTH
 
YukiNagatoThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Dec. 10, 2014 at 8:28 pm
The is the best version of Twilight I've read! Hilarious!!! :)
 
Ashlom said...
Nov. 5, 2014 at 5:20 pm
That was the best Twilight story EVER!!!!!! You should do the Host now. Thanks for a good laugh
 
jetpuppy11 said...
Oct. 15, 2014 at 11:55 am
ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!
 
Chrissiana1320This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 13, 2014 at 7:48 am
Really Funny.
 
Clary_FrayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 13, 2014 at 6:30 pm
This is great. Two thumbs up!
 
Pieric123456789 replied...
Oct. 1, 2014 at 9:02 am
THAT IS AWESOME
 
Pookie16 said...
Aug. 18, 2014 at 8:57 pm
THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.
 
Jkw7072 said...
Aug. 13, 2014 at 9:57 am
Edward and I have something in common, we both blind people with our whiteness.
 
MargaretNormanThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 11, 2014 at 9:40 pm
i know the strugle
 
KFT22This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 12, 2014 at 4:25 am
Hahahaha! You had me at the title....had fun reading this
 
PleasedToMeetYouThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 4, 2014 at 9:33 pm
I lost it when I got to the part where Edward "blinds everyone with his whiteness."
 
RachelReads said...
Jul. 7, 2014 at 1:47 am
So hilarious! OMG!
 
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