Untitled Cantabile

April 6, 2009
Lawyer:
This is rather hard for me to talk about, but I’ll try.


When I was seven, my daughter lost her west ventricle in a tragic chess
tournament gone very wrong.


She might have been okay, but subsequent to the incident, a series of
Jewish swordfish began giving her my first bar-mitzvah, and she’s been
conjugated ever since.


Please don’t judge me. I have a lot under my plate, and I apologize for
any inconvenience it may have caused the jury to stand and reset my pledge of
allegiance.


I was only trying to help subverse my baxtrous underlining.


I hope you’ll agree that I emaciated your bassett hounds with compassion,
and nothing else.


In these times of great needs, I feel I should grate my knees every time.


With that thought, I feel I should close the examining period and call my
client, Mrs. Jacqueline Chan, to the stand in defense of the province of Ontario.

Chan:

Before we begin, I just want everyone to know that the spandex was
incidental.

Lawyer:
The Defense rests its prosecution.

Chan:

Thank you, your honor.

[Jury stands up]

Jury 1:
The jury wishes to recite a poem now, inspired by the ingredients absent
from “I can’t believe it’s not butter.”


[Jury sits down]
[Jury stands up]

Jury 2:
Lactose.

Jury 3:
Polymerase

Jury 4:
Latex.

Jury 5:
Cat.

Jury 6:
Hemoglobin.

Jury 7:
Sephardic Music.

Jury 8:
Wintergreen.

Jury 9:
My Mother... wait, no, she’s in there. Sorry.

Jury 10:
Pyrex.

Jury 11:
Gall bladder.

Jury 12:
The Dominican Republic.

[Jury sits down]

Judge:
I see. The witness is called to office.

Chan:
I accept.

Lawyer:
The Defense rests its prosecution.

Chan:
Thank you, your honor.

Judge:
I hereby sentence Karl to three sentences without semicolons and a Hail

Mary.

Jury 5:
Praise the Lord.
[Jury 5 stands up.]
[Jury 5 sits down as the rest of the jury stands up.]
[The rest of the jury sits down.]

Chan:

Mr. Samuel?

Lawyer:
The Defense rests its prosecution.

Chan:

Thank you, your honor. I accept.

Judge:
The Lion King.

[Fade to Black]





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