Stress is one of those strange bodily functions that seems to have no real purpose other than to annoy you. Like a hangnail or a migraine. However, unlike a hangnail (Which will eventually tear the skin off your finger), stress has a few simple cures that will keep you doing your homework all night with only a few tears!

If that grey cloud of almost failing your classes is hanging around, wash it away with a nice freezing shower. Yes, you heard me, freezing. It really wakes you up for the whole night ahead. If your skin isn’t blue, you’re doing it wrong! Now if you’re one of those freaks who shower in the morning don’t fret! There is an easy solution to your self-created problem! Stop taking morning showers. This way you can wake up later and, of course, de-stress.

You are what you eat, so drink coffee. Sure, “Scientists” or “Medical Professionals” will tell you that coffee makes you frantic; but I’ve found that once you hit the fifteen cup marker you really mellow out. You can’t feel your arms or legs, and it feels like your head is leaving your body. This feeling can obviously be associated with a spa-like setting. This is a key step to unwind. Once you stop seeing colors and only hear a high pitched screech, you’ll know you’re in relax-ville.

Now stress is like a weight. A heavy load being carried over the Himalayas with only a miniature horse pulling the cart. Luckily for you, my friend, everyone else around you is feeling the same way! Share the load with your friends while they share theirs with you! Be sure to use words like “literally” and “dead”. If you believe you are capable enough, combine them into phrases such as, “This project is killing me slowly!” or “This essay is literally 10,000 points and is due in two minutes!” or even “This is ridiculous, like I can’t believe he would assign this today, I have so much going on tonight, I won’t even be home until midnight, I’m shaking (etc.)”. This language will only create a noticeable lack of tension in the air, as you and your friends come away from the discussion with a feeling of relief.

Of course, finally, nothing is more important than recharging. Sleep is important, so don’t do it. Instead stay up until midnight doing your homework and complaining about doing your homework. A good three hours every night is an easy way to strip the stress from your body. I do it every night! The bags under your eyes are a sign that it’s working!

After these four easy steps, stress will leak out of your body like sweat. Actually just like sweat. Wear deodorant for a few days. Get started right now by staring off into the distance and pouring yourself a cup of joe. Have a nice time destressing!