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An Alternate Ending to Hamlet

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     Dear mother - oh my dearest mother - you think that I have not known? You surely should know your son better than this, you lovely old hag. Oh, no, I don’t mean that in any offensive way at all! I have honestly been waiting for the day where you would come clean and have a bewildered  look on your face - yes, exactly that face! I am just surprised at the fact that you didn’t come to realize that the journal you write in every-so-often was always being moved around.
     You know, mother, you really do have some juicy secrets in there. Does Claudius know about the murder you’ve been planning for him? No? Well, I guess now he might. I’m sure he’d also be awfully delighted to know that you also have slowly been stealing his precious jewels.
     Huh? You mean to tell me that everyone - excluding Claudius - knew about your plan? Never would I have thought that you would go as far as this, mother. Was Horatio in on this too? He was? Oh, mother, how could you? You made the one right thing in my life go astray - and for this, I will not forgive you. Oh, my poor Horatio. Despite these circumstances, I will forgive him. Horatio was and will always be my best friend, no matter what. Your insolence and manipulation, however, will not be tolerated. God, and to think I was going to actually give you another chance. Looks like that will not be happening anytime soon.
     Let me tell you, I really do think father’s ghost was wrong about leaving your fate up to the hands of God. I could just as easily draw my sword and pierce it through you, but then, what kind of son would I be? It’s too bad that he is not here to here this lovely confession. I am sure that he’d be delighted to hear that his precious wife was such a cunning beauty.
     Oh wait, he is here, standing within the shadows. You think that you had actually killed him? My goodness, mother, you really are far too ignorant. You know that man you killed? Yeah, that was actually some guy we found who looked quite a lot like father. What an amazing wife you are! You clearly know how to tell apart your husband from commoners. I sincerely applaud you.
     Look, here he comes! Uh oh, he looks a bit mad - more mad than I seem to be. Would you look at that! His sword seems to have been drawn at you. Oh, dear me, is father’s sword at your neck too sharp? I apologize on his behalf. I guess locking him up for months in the darkest depths of the dungeon really was too traumatizing for the mind. But hey, you’re his wife. Shouldn’t you have him wrapped around your finger, just like Claudius? I guess a woman’s luck does really run out at some point.
     What’s this? You’re summoning the guards? Sorry to inform you mother, but they have all - how do you say - kicked the bucket. But wait, why is Ophelia here? Ophelia, my dearest Ophelia, it seems that my beloved mother has found my previous weakness. Yes, you’ve heard me correctly, previously. You think I actually loved you - now that’s funny. Sure, there was a time when I did, in fact, like you, but honestly, you are just as mother said. Oh, stop with those tears - you’re just ruining your already pudgy exterior. If you are going to go run to your brother, I do not think that will happen anytime soon. Why, you ask? Heh, I think you will find out sooner or later. Honestly, you call yourself a woman? God, if we are all being honest here, those nights of passion were just dreadful. Take some notes if you ever do get sent to a nunnery, alright? You really need them.
     Darling mother, I see you struggling over there. There really is no point in doing such. I know you must want to die a quick death right now out of embarrassment, but what joy would that bring to me? Honestly, mother, begging for your life will not do anything for your favor. Of course I am not mad - why would I be mad? It’s not like my mother betrayed me.
     Hey, father, her whining is annoying me, so let’s finish this. Just plunge your sword slowly into her. What’s with that shocked look, mother? You didn’t think that it would actually come to this, did you? Sorry to burst your bubble, but yeah, this is happening. Be sure to say hello to that lookalike for us.
     Ophelia, will you stop blubbering? My god, you are being such a pest right now. Oh, whoops! My sword slipped… and landed right in you. Sorry about that. You have fun now, okay? Tell your father I say hello.
     Well, father, I guess it is just you and me. To tell you the truth, I really don’t know why I adored you as a child. You were too infatuated with your kingdom and power and mother - oh, and not to mention that one other lady. Oh, stop your growling. You really do need to work on your people skills after being in that dungeon. Hey, do not use that tone with me, mister. Maybe it is better for you to join your dreadful wife wherever she is.
     My oh my, look at me. Mother would be so disappointed in me, once again, for looking so disarrayed. Oh well. I’ll just be taking that crown right about now. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Hahahahah. Wait, what’s this foul stench? My god, someone get them out of here. Something reeks in the state of Denmark.




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