Crime Rate to Drop

January 12, 2009
By Joseph Hansinger, Hartland, WI

In the past ten years the violent crime rate has increased by nearly 800 percent. Until recently, this growth rate has stumped the best of our politicians, statisticians, and scientists. However, just recently the culprit of the spike in crime rate has been found.

An invasive plant species from Indochina arrived in the Midwest around the year 2000. Scientists believe it was smuggled in through the St. Lawrence Seaway. This plant is known as the Angry Fern. All physical characteristics resemble a normal North American Fern; however, the Angry Fern releases a chemical called Angrium into the air. When inhaled by human males, the chemical causes an imbalance in testosterone levels (females are unaffected because their brains carry less testosterone). The affected males gradually lose their critical thinking, social skills, and moral ethics. They then become aggressive and proceed to perform violent acts.

Since the discovery of this plant, the government began testing convicts for Angrium. Seventy-nine percent of violent crimes committed in the last ten years were committed by males carrying Angrium in their blood. Scientists concur that those statistics are enough to blame the flagrant increase in violent crimes on the Angry Fern. They immediately began looking for a cure. Some doctors believe estrogen pills can bring the hormone balance back to normal but that answer is only temporary. As for getting rid of the plant itself, scientists have yet to find a solution.

For the moment, however, you can rest easy. The state and federal governments are working on the problem. In the next few years, we should notice violent crimes to be substantially less rampant.

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