A Play in Five Minutes


Characters

Marsha: fifteen, tall, thin.

Ermelo: fifteen, shorter, “a bit off.”

"New guy": mid-twenties, tall

Stranger: forty, overweight

Elevator Intercom: voice on the elevator emergency hotline

YOU KNOW WHAT'S SAD?

Scene

Setting: Center stage are two elevators stacked. Each consist of three walls leaving the forth wall, facing the audience, implied. Ironically, to their left is a stair case leading up to the top elevator with a sign that reads “Yes, another elevator” pointing up. To the right of the bottom elevator waits Marsha, a fifteen-year-old girl. We see her watching the elevator door open. All elevator actions are shown through the actors. Inside the elevator is Ermelo, also fifteen, leaning against the elevator wall.

ERMELO.

You know what's sad?

MARSHA.

Excuse me?

ERMELO.

Us. We might not ever meet again.

MARSHA.

Do I know you?

ERMELO.

Exactly! See, you don't. And I don't know anything about you either! Are you married?

MARSHA.

I'm 15.

ERMELO.

Me too! See, if I hadn't asked that just now we may have never known. Isn't that upsetting?

MARSHA.

Not really.

ERMELO.

No you don't get it! Here, look you ask me a question. Anything.

MARSHA.

.... Umm... Do you have any kids?

ERMELO.

Well, my husband and I are trying but-

MARSHA.

Wait! You're married?

ERMELO.

No! (laughs) See, because we are total strangers you don't know anything about me. I could say practically anything and you'd have to believe me! I could be like a serial killer or something and you would have no idea! (laughs)

MARSHA.

Nervously pressing button.

Sure.

ERMELO.

(advancing towards her) No, don't worry I'm not. That would be gross. All CSI like. I hate that show.

MARSHA.

Yeah, me too.

ERMELO.

SEE! We have even more in common now! Isn't that crazy!

Elevator stops and doors begin to open.

MARSHA.

(rushing) Yeah, well I better be going. Bye.

ERMELO.

(harshly) NO!

Doors close.

ERMELO.

(angrily) you can't leave in the middle of a philosophical conversation. (softening) It's rude is all.

Elevator begins to move.

MARSHA.

Where are we going?

ERMELO.

Where would you like to go? Since we're like BFFs and all we do stuff together now.

MARSHA.

I don't want to go anywhere with you!!

Ermelo hit's the emergency stop button.

MARSHA.

What are you doing!?!

ERMELO.

Look, we've been through all of this. You, me, best buds now. You're going to have to work with me a little bit. So, where do you want to go with me?

MARSHA.

I don't want to go anywhere with you, you psycho!

ERMELO.

C'mon, everyone has destinations. So, last time, where. Do. You. Wanna. Go?

MARSHA.

I want to go back down! I want to leave! And you aren't my “BFF.” I don't you who the heck you are!

ERMELO.

I'm Ermelo.

MARSHA.

I DON'T CARE!

ERMELO.

What's your name, huh?

MARSHA.

No!

ERMELO.

That's a funny name.

MARSHA.

No, I'm not telling you my name, I don't even know you!

ERMELO.

We went through that already. I'm your new BFF!

MARSHA.

No you aren't! You're some crazy girl I'm trapped in an elevator with!

ERMELO.

You say tomay-to, I say tomah-to. So what's your name? Huh? What's your name, what's your name, what's your name-

MARSHA.

Aarrrrghhh! It's Marsha, okay? Jeez...

ERMELO.

Yay! Hi Marsha, I'm so glad we're best friends now! Aren't you?

MARSHA.

(very dry) Ecstatic.

ERMELO.

Oh my god! We have to have a sleep over!

MARSHA.

What?

ERMELO.

Yeah, a sleep over! We can eat pop corn, and paint our toe nails, talk about boys, or girls, you know, whatever you prefer...

Marsha nods along while holding down intercom.

ELEVATOR INTERCOM.

Hello? Are you in need of assistance?

MARSHA.

Ye-

Ermelo covers Marsha's mouth.

ERMELO.

No, we're fine! Sorry, I slipped and bumped the button. You can start the elevator again.

ELEVATOR INTERCOM.

Sure thing.

MARSHA.

I can't believe you!

ERMELO.

You said you wanted to go down again, right?

MARSHA.

....Yes.

ERMELO.

See, we agree on all kinds of stuff! Ok, so we need to know everything about each other, now that we're BFFs.

MARSHA.

What?

ERMELO.

Okay, so what's your favorite color? Do you have a boy friend? What's your mother's maiden name? Do you like to use toe nail polish? Are you kosher?

The elevator opens and someone else walks in.

ERMELO.

Ooo! New guy? Do you think he's cute?

Marsha runs out of elevator, past the new person.

ERMELO.

Okay, see you around! Text me!

Doors close. Marsha pushes button to an adjacent elevator and gets in and breathes a sigh of relief.

STRANGER.

You know what's sad?

Marsha's eyes widen and blackout.