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To the lucky ones,

I always imagined this being short, sweet, and simple. Some I love you's and Goodbye's would fill the position perfectly…but I feel as if you need to know. Know why death crawled into the hands of a sweet 15 year old who had everything going for her. Know why the shy smile on her face everyday was merely imitation. Know why her life, dressed in perfection, hid such unfathomable secrets. Whoever may see this might say that they were always there for me… and they may have been. But my heart just yearns for something more. Something more than cheesy lines that are supposed to make everything alright. It's hard to explain, and extremely hard to deal with. Some will say I did this to satisfy myself, that this is just a stupid way of dealing with my issues. My life was short, I'll admit, but it ended with exceptionally good reasons. Reasons that may be irrelevant to you, but to me, they were incredibly life changing. What drove me to my decisioning, or as you'd say, my insanity was not that I'm ugly, or that I'm ungrateful… in fact every else in my life was pretty decent. So, the cause? My resentful relationship life.

The school doors slapped open to release the overly crazed kids. I was one of them, jumping, yelling, excited to be free… but soon, I'd be sucked back into isolation. Did I realize that? No. Never. Not even now, as I'm preparing my death bed for the night. One relaxed summer night, a guy had started talking to me. Let's call him Damian. He made me smile, laugh, and feel amazing about myself. I felt as if I were the only thing that could ever make him happy. He was most defiantly the only one that could do that for me. Cool tears slipped down my crisp face when he first told me he loved me. What a great feeling that was, knowing that someone could possibly care so much about me. Life was a cradled baby: soft, safe, and secure. Even though Dad left 4 years in the past, and Mom wasn't around much either, my life seemed to be suddenly falling into place. It wasn't until that silent, dark as black night when I realized that my perfection was slowly failing to stay pure. The messages he had sent to her , each one a sharpened knife, stabbed my heart with an evil grin. Was it possible that cheating had been a lifestyle of his? Damian had always seemed so genuine and caring… but you can never really know what someones really like. After I confronted him , he bursts into guilty cries, begging for forgiveness. Now that I look back, I should have never accepted his "sorry's" in exchange for a second chance.

Abuse. Not physical, although some may say thats the worst kind. No, I mean verbal. Words…they have such power. Their symptoms could be joyous, reassuring, nervousness, and the list goes on for a lifetime. Everything had gone back to normal: me being happy, Damian being sticky sweet, and life being as great as God himself, but would I ever realize the plot? The irony of events? The cloth wrapped around my minds mouth to keep it from telling me the truth? I recall everything perfectly: the shining stars that filled that navy Friday night sky, the wistful air that whipped my hair in my face, and the to-calm atmosphere that made me uncomfortable. I had been annoying Damian to keep doing things my way, which was the right way apparently. Do this, do that, it just all spilled out of my mouth like water from a faucet. "Would you just leave me alone and BACK-OFF?! I mean seriously Charlotte, ever since I talked to that girl on Facebook, you've been nothing but controlling. It's so aggravating and I hate it!" The spicy words left his lips leaving a chill in the air that would soon run up my spine. I had never been talked to that way by someone, especially by him. My jaw released to drop down, in shock of his comment. But as I would soon realize, this was one of many heart breaking comments my boyfriend would make.

Killing my soul piece by little piece, the behavior continued. I never thought I could feel so hurt. So alone. At that point, I just couldn't take it anymore. The knives and razor blades were soon pulled out, and I'd do it every night. The deeper my thoughts drilled, the harder the force was applied. When I first saw it, that red beauty, it calmed me; almost as if I was dying, the world slipped away. Now, I regret having danced in the glory of my own satisfaction. But then, it was merely nothing. Just a little relaxation method to keep me going day after mourning day. In the middle of every night, the tears of regret and pain streamed down my cheeks, almost as if it was a constant river. All of the people around around gave the same old speeches. One day, I was talking to one of my closer friends, Hailey, about my situation, striving for someone to at least care.

"Just call it off," she retorted, while she reached for the lunch tray, not really paying attention. "What's the point if you're unhappy?" Her thoughts glued to me, although I didn't have the gut to take her advice. I was scared of myself now, and what I would do. And now, look what has happened.

Other than the fact that I'm still in the relationship, that's all. I can't imagine what will happen with Damian, or Mom, or anyone else who feels they're in my situation or what I was going through. I cannot be saved, but I want to send a message to everyone in the world who feels like they have no one left. Who feels like their world is slipping away in front of their very eyes. Who feels like I did. I wouldn't wish that horrendous feeling on any girl, boy, woman, or man in our beautiful blue and green world. So take this as an opportunity to live a life worth living, without anyone or thing holding you back.Find a passion, and pursue it. Love with all of your heart. Never let go to your dreams. And always… make every moment count.

***
She dropped the note to caress her daughters body.



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