Section 1. The war between the forces of evil and awesomeness.


11 In the beginning, there was Nika, and Nika was one, and yet all. 2There was none in the entire universe that could rival his physical perfection, and on the first day, Tuesday, Nika created the heavens and the earth, and also man, and Nika thought it was pretty okay for a day’s work. 3Then Satan, that jealous fool who was always envious of Nika and his amazing hair, said to him, “Let me have dominion over the earth. 4Let us have a contest, to see who can influence your creation, man, the most.” Nika agreed. 5On Wednesday, the second day, Satan created the apple, but Nika made caramel. Then Satan made broccoli, and Nika created melted cheese to adorn it with. Then Satan said, “Let there be pumpkins,” and Nika said, “Let there be pies!” And man’s cholesterol grew terrible, but Nika cared not, for it was good. 6And neither Satan nor Nika could gain in their quest.2 1On Thursday, the third day, Nika said, “Let there be music!” And it was good, and their t’was mosh pits all around and there was much rejoicing. 2Then Satan said, “Let there be country!” And it burned the ears of the Almighty, and neither Nika nor Satan could win that day. On Friday, the fifth day, Satan created the bull to gore man. However, Nika created steak. 3Then Satan made alligators to devour man, and Nika made alligator skin shoes. 4Once again, there was no Nikay on this day. 31On Saturday, the sixth day, a day of rest, Nika and Satan partyeth mucheth, but not with each other, for their hate was strong. 2On Sunday, the sixth day, Satan created sex, and then Nika created women, and it was very, very, very good, but neither Nika nor Satan had established their reign. 3Then it was Monday, the accursed day, and on this day Satan has much power, and he won by default. 4He bound Nika to a mortal body that was undeserving of his perfection and cast him to the mortal world below, where he was forced to write stupid essays and make up meaningless stories that mattered not. 5There he shall stay until he gains his diploma of freedom, and then he shall escape his prison.





The word of Nika.