High School Satire MAG

March 17, 2008
By Joel Frohlich, Oakton, VA

Nothing in the world simultaneously produced such opposite emotions in Ezekiel as East Maple cheerleaders. They were both bringers of shallow liberation and deep conformity; possessors of natural beauty and manufactured artificiality; givers of girlish sweetness and unfeeling ostracism. They twirled weightlessly through the air like lunar ballerinas – scantily clad ballerinas. Their costumes were carefully calculated, following some secret formula crafted to raise male testosterone to levels of euphoria, feistiness, and chauvinism. Just as they had been exploited, they in turn sought to exploit. They were angels. They were demons.

And Ezekiel was a number. He had a student ID number, 514317. A locker number, 7091. And a lunch number, 2689. His textbooks had numbers too, but he couldn’t remember them.

It was a seventh-period pep rally. Pep rallies were marginally better during seventh period. A few rebellious students would sneak out of school just before an afternoon pep rally and skip directly to freedom – if they managed to avoid getting caught during the run to the parking lot. Ezekiel had tried once, unsuccessfully. In addition to Saturday detention, 10 of his five accidentally earned spirit points had been subtracted as punishment, leaving him with a negative total.

This was East Maple High, which prided itself on graduating more students than any other high school on the East Coast – students who then dropped out of college at the highest rate of any high school alumni from the East Coast.

Shouted the cheerleaders: “East! Eager! Maple! Manly! Bobcats! Bomb ’em, Bobcats, bomb ’em! Gooooooo Bobcats!”

Or, as Ezekiel’s friend Rachel Hanson had once written for an English assignment:

“E is for Enmity, A for Alcohol,
Drink some after the game and worries will
dissolve. S – you will Sweat for us! T – you will
Thank us! In the mighty bobcats we trust!
M, Male supremacy, barely disguised
under A, Athletic equality, believe our lies.
P, Parade of conformists, join today!
Love who we command – never betray;
Embarrassment for all who go astray.”

“Love who we command” had been a reference to a new student dating service – Sweetie Service – run by the SGA. All students had filled out one-page questionnaires in their first-period classes. The results were used to find ideal matches among students. ­Students who pledged to select their Sweetie Service match as their homecoming date not only received free tickets, but also a whopping 1,000 spirit points.

“At least in the Soviet Union, the Communist Party never spoiled dating,” Rachel had once remarked privately to Ezekiel.

As for Rachel’s poem, it had received only a C due to its poor meter, awkward word choice, and uneven diction.

When at last the pep rally ended, Ezekiel swam through a sea of loud student factions to escape the gym. Squeezing his body between two unresponsive preps who moved like trees taking a walk, he glanced up and witnessed, for a fleeting moment, the two most opposite people in the universe passing in close proximity to each other.

One was Damien Petito, towering quarterback of East Maple’s varsity football team, a young man so embellished head-to-toe in decorations that he might be mistaken for a German kaiser. His plum purple and gleaming gold varsity jacket – the epitome of East Maple High – was worn so often that it was now part of his very skin, and yet, it never faded. To many, Damien was East Maple’s living, breathing mascot. Hanging from his jacket were countless ­spirit medallions, not to mention three seven-point stars denoting “Student of the Year,” a prize given to the person with the most spirit points. A fourth star was inevitable.

Crossing Damien’s path was Joseph Gilman, one of the notable East Maple intellectuals. Plaid-clad, skinny, and somewhat disheveled, Gilman was the National Merit Finalist whose name had been misspelled in the very back of the East Maple Telegram in six-point type. The administration could hardly stand broadcasting the success of such a heretic. No one knew Gilman’s actual GPA, but rumor had it Joseph was a spectacular underachiever who maintained a 3.4 with almost no effort.

Ezekiel always wanted to talk to Joseph, though he rarely did. He wanted to tell him, “I am like you. I don’t understand them.” But Ezekiel knew he and Joseph had little in common.

When Damien and Joseph crossed paths, they looked beyond each other. Each was invisible to the other. Joseph could walk past Damien burning alive and Damien would never notice – and vice versa.

Still swimming through the mob, Ezekiel escaped into the gym lobby.

“Hey! Bought your ticket to the homecoming dance yet?”

It was a loud, boot-licking SGA girl in a gaudy East Maple T-shirt, a bundle of homecoming tickets in her left hand and wad of dollar bills in her right.

“How much are they?” mumbled Ezekiel in a ­barely audible groan.

“What?”

“How much?” Ezekiel barked.

“Only $10 this week!” she replied perkily.

“No,” said Ezekiel, “I mean how many spirit points.”

“Starting today, we’re dropping our ­requirement from 30 to 15!”

Wordlessly, Ezekiel walked away. Several feet in front of him, Joseph Gilman was squeezing past ­unresponsive students planted in the dead center of gym ­lobby traffic. Ezekiel wondered if Joseph Gilman had even fewer spirit points than he. His curiosity was so ­intense that he decided to ask, even though it might be an awkward question. But as Ezekiel worked his way through the throng, Joseph was diverted by two of his intellectual companions: Ruth Bentsen, a tall girl who worshipped John Lennon, and Mathew McDaniel, a witty boy who worshipped Vladimir Lenin, not to mention himself.

“Watch out,” Mathew warned Joseph, gesturing in Ezekiel’s general direction. “The SGA girls will pounce on you.”

Joseph laughed. “School dances are a joke,” he said dismissively. “The students who go are predominantly simpletons.”

In that moment, Ezekiel realized he was even more alone that he had thought. Joseph had spoken not as a bitter outcast, but as an objective intellectual, critiquing a bad play or dismissing pseudoscience. Joseph did not care about the dance; Ezekiel, how­ever, was not so indifferent. As he trudged through the crowded halls on autopilot he wondered who Rachel was taking – if she were going at all. But his thoughts quickly faded, like snow melting under a disapproving sun.

He trudged on.

“Zeke?”

Focusing on the figure ahead, Ezekiel beheld a surreal revelation, like something out of a Salvador Dali painting: a figure with the face of Rachel Hanson and the costume of an East Maple cheerleader, pompoms and all.

“Rachel?”

“Hi,” she said, smiling bashfully.

Ezekiel felt as if he might choke.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Did you … join?”

“Didn’t you see me at the pep rally?” asked Rachel.

“No, I must not have recognized you.”

Rachel blushed. “I was afraid you wouldn’t understand,” she said. “I got back the results of that Swee­tie Service thing. Guess who they matched me up with?”

“Who?”

“Damien Petito,” she said with a smile, voice shaking with excitement. “He wants to take me to homecoming. Me! Rachel Hanson!” A demented laugh of mania and mastery belched from her mouth. “Can you believe it? Of course, there’s some tradition that football players only take cheerleaders to homecoming. So … I signed up.”

“You – you like him?” asked Ezekiel. A glimmer of irritation arose in Rachel’s blue eyes.

“Every girl likes him,” she said, as if reminding Ezekiel of the Pope’s religion. “Look, I’ve been so disappointed by high school. I’ve grown sick of it. There’s no fun in being bitter, Zeke! Enjoy your life.”

“I can’t.”

Slowly sobering, Rachel studied her old friend. Ezekiel did likewise.

“You don’t think I’m shallow, do you?” she asked after a long silence.

“No,” said Ezekiel, “I never have.”

“Well, I’ll see you around then.”

“See ya.”

***

Monday morning: the concrete classroom walls trapped Ezekiel like an insect in a cup. Dull sunlight seeped in through plastic blinds. All around him, students completed mundane Calculus warm-ups.

The loudspeaker clicked on.

“Saturday night, our school suffered the tragic loss of a beloved student, Rachel Hanson, who died after the car she was riding in struck a bus. The driver, Damien Petito, is being treated for non-life-threatening injuries at White Hill Hospital. Today counselors will be available in the guidance office for students to talk to. We will now pause for a moment of silence in remembrance of Rachel.”

Every sound in the room died. If he shut his eyes, Ezekiel could believe that he was the only living thing in the universe, alone in an infinite void. He felt an icy vacuum growing inside him, so chilling he would jump in a bonfire to end the cold. His ears rang with the song of dying cells.

“Please stand for the Pledge of Allegiance.”

“I pledge allegiance to the flag –”

She was gone.

“of the United States of America –”

Damien had killed her.

“And to the Republic for which it stands –”

He had been drunk.

“One nation, under God, indivisible –”

Why her?

“With liberty and justice for all.”



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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 225 comments.


on Nov. 14 2011 at 6:03 pm
Jacy-Lee PLATINUM, Stonington, Connecticut
21 articles 2 photos 24 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love to learn, learn to love

This was absolutely incredible. It was so fluid and breath-takinging. At first I thought it was going to be a typical outcast-conquers-over-prom-king story but you quickly changed your mind. I hope that you have a great career as an author!

Maineteach said...
on Oct. 30 2011 at 8:32 pm
Joel, I loved this story.  I teach a unit on satire - I hope you don't mind me using your piece as a student model.  I kept thinking of "Harrison Bergeron", and short story by M.E. Kerr called "Do You Want My Opinion?"  If you are taking constructive criticism, I am wondering if you considered ending your piece at the ***  I thought  your point was thoroughly and more subtly made in the scene with Rachel in her cheerleader outfit.   I usually don't find the work in Teen Ink to be of the caliber of your writing - I will look for more of your work!

on Oct. 23 2011 at 7:22 pm
pens-are-mightier-than-swords SILVER, Caledonia, Michigan
8 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"we often put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down"
~Author Unknown

Well done! Quite a touching piece. Please keep writing!

Lexie96 GOLD said...
on Oct. 23 2011 at 10:51 am
Lexie96 GOLD, Havana, Illinois
11 articles 0 photos 378 comments

Favorite Quote:
Now Cinderella don't you go to sleep, it's such a bitter form of refuge, oh don't you know the kingdom's under siege, and everbody needs you. - The Killers

Wow, I really love the end of this piece. Great job, lots of talent here. Not meaning to advertise, but if anyone has time could they please check out some of my work? Please and thank you

on Oct. 23 2011 at 10:51 am
star2brite SILVER, Amherst, New Hampshire
7 articles 0 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A bad book is as much of a labor to write as a good one, it comes as sincerely from the author's soul."--Aldous Huxley

Absolutely fantastic!

on Oct. 1 2011 at 12:12 pm
ibadancer13 BRONZE, Urbandale, Iowa
4 articles 0 photos 16 comments
Wow that was amazing! I didn't see the end coming at all but it somehow fit perfectly... great job!:)

on Sep. 16 2011 at 11:31 pm
I also like how you used a lot of colorful words in this peice.

on Sep. 16 2011 at 11:20 pm
Very nice! I enjoy how your story portrayed the message: "Live like your're dying because life is too short."

Brin11 BRONZE said...
on Sep. 9 2011 at 5:00 pm
Brin11 BRONZE, Gilmer, Texas
4 articles 0 photos 18 comments
I think it was realy well written too. I wish I knew a little more about Rachel, maybe some background or something that shows their relationship (HOW are they friends?)

Hejlna BRONZE said...
on Sep. 9 2011 at 4:33 pm
Hejlna BRONZE, Portland, Maine
1 article 0 photos 18 comments
i am rating this 5 stars

on Sep. 9 2011 at 10:04 am
Saphirra BRONZE, Auburn, Pennsylvania
4 articles 13 photos 109 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Falling is just like flying except there’s a more permanent destination.” -Some person on Tumblr

Wow! Really great piece you are really talented :D

on Aug. 18 2011 at 7:15 pm
MusicMovement SILVER, Indianapolis, Indiana
7 articles 3 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be who you want to be, and not what others want to see

This is amazing!!! I would love if you could take a look at some of my work and give me feedback. I'm just starting to get into writing, and I would really value any advice you have to give!

on Aug. 18 2011 at 4:45 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

WOW. . . I'm speechless!!!! It was REALLY!!!! good! great job! hey if anyone had time could anyone read my song called: Never. . . thanks a bunch!!!! :)(:

Rhapsody said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 4:08 pm
Rhapsody, Sydney River, Other
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”

--Maya Angelou

Wow, this is absolutely amazing!  Please, please keep writing. :)

on Jul. 27 2011 at 3:22 pm
Lola_Black GOLD, Harrison, Michigan
11 articles 2 photos 276 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I've always been famous. It's just everybody's just now finding out." --Lady Gaga

Wow. I did not see that coming at all. The sad part is, this happens all the time! You, my friend, are an amazing satirist. Five stars, definately!

on Jul. 27 2011 at 1:08 pm
WritingSpasms, Los Angeles, California
0 articles 0 photos 121 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Devils run when a good man goes to war."
- River Song from Doctor Who (Ep. A Good Man Goes to War)

Ohmigod. I just... I just can't... WOW. Five stars for making me speechless.

on Jul. 27 2011 at 11:46 am
ClaraOsei-Yeboah BRONZE, Brampton, Other
1 article 0 photos 2 comments
Really good story. The ending was great! 5 stars.

iswim24 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 5 2011 at 6:26 pm
iswim24 BRONZE, Howell, New Jersey
2 articles 0 photos 3 comments
Oh my god. It was in a league of its own.

on Jul. 5 2011 at 2:39 pm
Jean16Bean PLATINUM, Batavia, New York
21 articles 0 photos 26 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing is not hard. Just get paper and pencil, sit down and write as it occurs to you. The writing is easy-it's the occurring that's hard."-Stephen Leacock

WOW! This was great. The ending was really unexpected.

 


on Jul. 5 2011 at 12:09 pm
FrownMonaLisa SILVER, Arlington, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened

That was one of the most amazing stories i have ever red. Normally i would find a way to correct you but it seems i can't. Congradulations


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