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The Radioactive French Fry

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“THE NIGHT WAS DARK” (WELL, DUH. DO YOU EXPECT NIGHT TO BE LIGHT? STUPID…) “AND THERE WASN’T A SOUL IN SIGHT”. (LIAR, THERE WAS THE CREEPER DOWN THE STREET THAT YOU COULD KINDA SEE OUT THE WINDOW) “SUDDENLY, LIGHTNING STUCK AND THUNDER SHOOK THE ENTIRE BUILDING.” (SUDDENLY? WHAT SUDDENLY? IT WAS RAINING FOR THE PAST THREE HOURS! YOU MELODRAMATIC DRAMA QUEEN!) “SHUT UP AND LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT!” (OKAY, OKAY… IT’S BEEN A MOMENT ALREADY.) *GRUNTS, PUNCHES SOMETHING, AND FARTS A LITTLE* “*&#*@* *$*%#*! LET ME TELL MY STORY!” (FINE, FINE…) THIS IS MY STORY... THE STORY OF THE RADIOACTIVE FRENCH FRY!!!



“IT WAS SOME TIME AGO, NO ONE IS QUITE CERTAIN WHEN IT STARTED,” (TWO WEEKS AGO, PERHAPS? YOU DRAMA KING…) “THE CAFETERIA LADIES WHIPPED UP A BATCH OF WHAT THEY CALLED ‘FRENCH FRIES’” (WE’RE STILL WAITING ON THE LAB RESULTS) “THAT WAS MEANT TO LAST FOR THE FOLLOWING SIX MONTHS. AS THEY WALKED AWAY FROM THE GLOWING POT” (ODDLY, THIS PART WAS NORMAL), “THEY FAILED” (AND WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THEIR CLEANLINESS SCORE FROM THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT) “TO SEE THAT FROM THE PUNY BITS OF POTATO ROSE… A CHAMPION.” (DIDN’T WE JUST HAVE A LITTLE TALK ABOUT EXAGGERATING?) “HALF POTATO, HALF SOMETHING ELSE, COMPLETELY AWESOME!” (NOW, THIS PART WASN’T NORMAL…)

“SEEING MY POOR COMPADRES,” (YOU STILL HAVE THE OTHER RACISM LAWSUIT AGAINST YOU. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO USE THAT WORD? ) “I’LL USE ANY *&#$ WORD I WANT TO USE!” (SUIT YOURSELF, RACIST) “WHERE WAS I AGAIN? OH YES, AFTER SEEING MY POOR NON-AWESOME COUNTERPARTS LAYING LIMP IN THE POT, I IMMEDIATELY CAME UP WITH A PLAN TO SAVE THE POOR THINGS.”(ONLY IF BY “IMMEDIATELY”, YOU MEAN HALF AN HOUR LATER) “YOU KNOW WHAT? IF ALL YOU’RE GOING TO DO IS MAKE DEEPLY HURTFUL COMMENTS DIRECTED AT ME, LEAVE!” (AWW, COME ON, DON’T BE LIKE THAT.) “NO! LEAVE, I DON’T WANT YOU HERE!” (FINE! I’M SURE I CAN FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY TIME, LIKE OVERDOSING ON CHILDREN’S’ TYLENOL OR BEING CHARLIE SHEENS’ *&%#@!*SLAMS DOOR AS HE LEAVES*)

“ALL RIGHTY, LET’S CONTINUE. I CAME UP WITH THE INGENIOUS PLAN OF PILING UP MY COMRADES ON ONE SIDE OF THE POT, TO CREATE A STAIRCASE, OF SORTS. AFTER I CLIMBED TO THE TOP, I REALIZED THAT NONE OF MY OTHER CHUMS WALKED BEHIND ME.”*POUTS AND LOOKS SIDE TO SIDE* “WHERE’S MY FRIEND? HE WOULD HAVE SAID THAT THE ONLY REASON NO ONE WAS BEHIND ME WAS BECAUSE MY BUTT’S TOO BIG.” *SNIFFLES* “I MISS HIM.” (HERE I AM!) “YOU’RE BACK! DO YOU FORGIVE, OLD FRIEND?” (NO, NOT REALLY; I CAME BACK BECAUSE APPARENTLY NOT JUST ANYBODY CAN BE CHARLIE SHEENS’ *&%#@; THERE’S A RIGOROUS COURSE OF DRUG TESTING THAT I DIDN’T PASS.) “OH, YOU DIDN’T PASS BECAUSE OF ALL THE CHILDREN’S’ TYLENOL?” (NO, I COULDN’T TELL CRACK FROM COKE.) “OH… OKAY… GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK COMPADRE!” (I STILL HAVE THAT LAWSUIT AGAINST YOU, YOU WANNA MAKE IT TWO?!) “NO… LET’S JUST KEEP GOING.”

“I ESCAPED SUCCESSFULLY, ONLY TO FIND MYSELF AT A LOSS. ‘WHERE TO GO’, ‘WHAT TO DO’ ,AND ‘WHERE’S THE BATHROOM’ WERE ALL QUESTIONS THAT WERE RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD.” (MORE LIKE SPRINTING, YELLING “HOW THE &*%$ DO I GET OUT OF HERE?) “I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I SHOULD PROBABLY GET OFF THE RIM OF THE POT FIRST” (USUALLY A GOOD IDEA…), “SO I HEROICALLY” (HMM…)”JUMPED OFF THE RIM AND LANDED ON THE FLOOR (WHICH WAS A LITTLE LESS THAN HEROIC…)”. “I STOOD UP, A LITTLE DUSTY, BUT FINE. UNFORTUNATELY, I REALIZED I NEEDED AN AERIAL VIEW AGAIN BEFORE I COULD NAVIGATE MY WAY OUT OF THIS DIRTY” (STINKY, SUICIDE-CAUSING, MALEVOLENCE-INVOKING…) “HELL-HOLE.”

“I FINALLY MADE IT TO THE SUMMIT OF THE TABLE (OF CRAPPINESS).” “I DECIDED TO TAKE A BREATHER, WHICH PROVED TO BE A FATAL MISTAKE” (IS IT CONSIDERED A FATAL MISTAKE IF YOU’RE NOT DEAD?).” “APPROACHING ME WAS MY BIGGEST NIGHTMARE,” (LITERALLY, HIS BIGGEST NIGHTMARE) “AN OBESE” (AREN’T YOU UNDERSTATING IT A BIT? PERHAPS OBESE ELEPHANT?),“HUNGRY FAT KID!”

I TRIED TO RUN AWAY, BUT IT WAS ALL IN VAIN, FOR HE HAD (SOMEHOW) CAUGHT UP TO ME (ON THOSE PUDGY LITTLE LUMPS, I’LL NEVER KNOW HOW). AS HE STRETCHED THOSE PUDGY LITTLE SAUSAGES TOWARDS ME, MY FATE WAS SEALED (IN HIS MOUTH). NOW, I LIE DORMANT IN HIS STOMACH, WAITING FOR THE DAY WHEN I CAN REVEAL MYSELF. BUT I SHALL STAY HERE UNTIL MY PLAN IS PERFECTED. THAT WAS MY FIRST, AND ONLY, MISTAKE.

I AM NOW, AND FOREVERMORE, THE RADIOACTIVE FRENCH FRY!!!


THE END

(THAT WAS A POSITIVELY EVIL ENDING) THANK YOU!
WAIT, WHAT ABOUT YOUR STORY?
(NOW, THAT’S FOR THE SEQUEL…)





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