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Fairy Godmother

Characters:

HEAD FAIRY GODMOTHER:
She has iron-grey hair pulled back into a tight bun. She wears spectacles, and a women’s business suit. She often seems aloof and proud.

LULABELLE THE FAIRY GODMOTHER:
She has short white hair, commonly in disarray. She wears skirt suits, and loud jewelry. She is a bit addle brained, but can be quite sweet on occasion.

RENEE
She has medium brown hair, a little greasy. She is wearing a short pink waitress outfit. She is sarcastic, but caring at the same time.

RENEE’S BOYFRIEND
He has short brown hair. He is wearing pajamas in a bed. He only has a small part, but he is very kind.




Scene 1:

[Light turns on overhead, showing a simple wooden desk. HEAD FAIRY GODMOTHER is sitting behind the desk; her grey hair is pulled into a tight bun. She is wearing spectacles, and shuffling and tapping a stack of papers on the desk. LULABELLE is standing in front of the desk, head down, her short curly white hair in disarray, her purple two-piece skirt set is wrinkled and slightly stained.]

HEAD FAIRY: (In a stern and slightly disappointed voice) I received your three-month fairy godmothering report, Lula, and I need not tell you how disappointing it is. Why must you be such a trial to the academy?

LULABELLE: (In a distracted, nervous tone) But if you would only let me explain…

HEAD FAIRY: (Interrupting) Explain! There is no explanation for turning your third child in a row into a cabbage salad!

LULABELLE: (Interrupting in a whiny voice) But I was hungry!

HEAD FAIRY: (Talking over LULABELLE) I have had to send out two separate replacement fairies this month alone to undo the work you have done, those kids were traumatized! Imagine, for just a second the feeling of being eaten! It is hardly enough that we give them an extra wish, which you know goes against my principles. I have had angry parents sending letters left and right to tell me about… Well here

(HEAD FAIRY throws a piece of paper across the desk to LULABELLE)

HEAD FAIRY: Read for yourself!

LULABELLE: (Reading from the paper) “To express our dissatisfaction with your academy for the shoddy work we have personally dealt with… With your fairy Lulabelle, there is simply no excuse. The empty-headed, molly-coddled way that she handles her job lowers the whole tone of your institution.” (Lowers paper. In an angry tone) Well, of all the nerve!

HEAD FAIRY: (With arms upraised) What do you expect? What would you do if your child suddenly became a half-eaten bowl of raspberry vinaigrette cabbage salad?

LULABELLE: (Muttering) Well, at least I turn them back when I am full.

HEAD FAIRY: You know they are never the same for the experience!

(HEAD FAIRY moans, and lays her head on her arms on her desk)

HEAD FAIRY: What am I to do with you?

LULABELLE: (In a miserable tone of voice) I don’t know! I’m not like this on purpose; I am just a raspberry stuffed trifle!

HEAD FAIRY: (In a kinder tone of voice) No, you’re not, you just haven’t got the knack of it yet. I know what to do.

(HEAD FAIRY throws another paper across the desk, and LULABELLE picks it up, and quickly scans it.)

LULABELLE: Renee?

HEAD FAIRY: (In a soft voice) Yes, Renee. She is really hurting. Her dad left her and her little sister Lila when they were only sixteen and nine, and her mom has been gone since she was twelve. She has been in and out of juvenile hall, and is having a hard time of it right now.

LULABELLE: But she is twenty-six! That is six years over the normal age limit for wishes!

HEAD FAIRY: (In a sterner voice) That is for me to decide. (Taps the papers on her desk, sets them aside, and looks at her watch) Now, I am very busy, so you just go and read up on Renee, and don’t forget the old trick.

(HEAD FAIRY winks, LULABELLE brightens and winks back)

LULABELLE: Fading?

HEAD FAIRY: Yes, fading.

End Scene 1


Scene 2:

[Light comes out on a dingy apartment scene, the walls are grey and dirty, the floor is scuffed, there is a kitchen table with a small vase and one red flower and a bowl, a refrigerator with cups and bowls and silverware on top. The door is to the side of the table.]

[Enter RENEE in a waitress’s uniform, garishly pink, and very short.]

RENEE: (dropping into a chair with a long sigh) Man, I am dog-tired. I hate having to pull double shift.

(RENEE digs in pocket, and drops change in the bowl on the table)

RENEE: Well, I guess I’m three dollars closer to getting Lila into that fancy medical school. (Sighs) I wish life weren’t so hard.

[Enter LULABELLE in a blue dress suit; her hair is in a bit better condition, and her dress only has one or two wrinkles]

RENEE: (In an astounded voice) Who are you?

LULABELLE: (In a grand majestic voice) Why I’m your fairy godmother honey.

RENEE: (In a sarcastic unbelieving voice) Fairy godmother? You came in the front door.

LULABELLE: (Equally sarcastic) Well, what did you expect, me to arrive in a puff of blue smoke that smelled like cornflowers and daisies?

RENEE: (Mutters) Well, yes, actually.

LULABELLE: Well, those times are over. Now we come in the front door. It saves on poof-and-appearing taxes.

RENEE: Poof-and-appearing taxes?

LULABELLE: Yes, poof-and-appearing taxes. Did you think the government would forget us fairies? No sirrie, we get taxed on everything. There are wand taxes, wing taxes, flying taxes, correct fairy apparel taxes, scented blue smoke taxes…

RENEE: (Interrupting) Can you possibly stop babbling and let me tell you my wish?

LULABELLE: Well, maybe. But I’m so parched, would you happen to have a nice cool glass of shaved lemon ice on hand?

RENEE: (Very strongly) No.

LULABELLE: Well, no need to get so huffy about it! I was only asking. Goodness.

RENEE: (interrupting) My wish??

LULABELLE: Oh, yes. (clears throat) Now where did I put that script?

(Digs into an until now invisible pocket in her dress-suit)

LULABELLE: Oh, here it is:

(LULABELLE holds a piece of paper directly in front of her head.)

LULABELLE: (In a choppy monotone) I am your fairy godmother. I can grant you one wish. You may want to think carefully, because there is only one wish per person, per lifetime, and that wish is non-refundable. (In a singsong voice) I can make your dreams come true.

RENEE: (Muttering) Couldn’t have said that with more feeling if you were an inebriated donkey with indigestion.

LULABELLE: Well, aren’t we snippy today? Although I give you kudos for imagination. Okay kiddo, what’s the desire of your heart?

RENEE: Well, it’s not really for me.

LULABELLE: That’s okay, happens all the time. Who’s the wish for?

RENEE: My sister.

LULABELLE: Ah yes, Lila, isn’t that right?

RENEE: (In a surprised and angry voice) How’d you know that?

LULABELLE: Well, I am your fairy godmother. I know everything about you.

RENEE: Everything?

LULABELLE: Everything. By the way, before we really get going, would you have any salad available? It is very important that I eat salad regularly, because it maintains my girlish figure.

(LULABELLE poses for RENEE, showing off her not-so-pretty figure)

RENEE: If I give you a salad, will you shut up and listen to me?

LULABELLE: (With a huge smile) Yeppers!

[RENEE walks to the fridge, rummages around, and brings out a bag of salad. She gets a bowl and fork off the top of the refrigerator, and takes out a bottle of dressing.]

RENEE: All I have is Thousand-Island. Is that okay?

LULABELLE: Sure is! That is actually my second favorite, not quite as good as Raspberry Vinaigrette, though.

[RENEE puts some of the salad in a bowl, drizzles dressing over it, and shoves the bowl at LULABELLE, then RENEE puts the salad bag and the dressing bottle back in the fridge. LULABELLE starts eating]

LULABELLE: (While chewing) Now, you just talk, I’m listening.

RENEE: Well, if you know everything about me, you know that I am not the richest person on the block. My little sister is really smart, she just graduated high school, and she wants to be a doctor. She has gotten a lot of scholarships, but not enough to cover everything. I want to do more for her, so, I guess, my wish is…

[LULABELLE looks up from her salad, which is almost gone.]

RENEE: I want more money.

[LULABELLE stops eating entirely. She pushes the bowl away, and rolls her eyes.]

LULABELLE: More money? You could wish for anything in the entire world, and you want more money?? Jeez, I thought you had more imagination than that.

RENEE: (Angrily) Well, I don’t! And that’s what I want. And you can’t convince me otherwise. And that is what would make me happy. And I don’t need anything else.

LULABELLE: There are way too many “ands” in that sentence. I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t give you money, but is that what you really want? Are you sure?

RENEE: Yes, I am. That is what I want.

LULABELLE: (In a sad tone of voice) All right then, how much more money do you want?

RENEE: One million dollars.

LULABELLE: Well, okay. If you are sure.

RENEE: Of course I’m sure! I don’t need anything else! I don’t need to be in love, I don’t need to be smart! I don’t need…

LULABELLE: (Very softly) Okay. I guess we should get this over with.

RENEE: Good.

LULABELLE: (With a sideways glance at RENEE) Re la gee bah roo haa nee glah reen goo bee naa…

RENEE: Wait!

LULABELLE: (trying to hide a smirk) Yes?

RENEE: What if I do want something else?

LULABELLE: Aha! I knew there was something else you would want! You don’t seem like such a materialistic person. So what is your real wish?

RENEE: Since you know about me, I don’t know if you know…

LULABELLE: (Quietly) I know.

RENEE: (Rushing on really fast) So last year my boyfriend just stopped talking, okay? He won’t respond to anything. Not me, not his brother, not the freakishly smart doctors, no one. And the doctors don’t know what to do. And now he has stopped eating, and the doctors say that soon he will need to get a feeding tube. And jeez, he doesn’t need that! So what I want is for him to be better again. That’s my wish.

LULABELLE: Ha! Now that’s more like it!

[LULABELLE takes a wand out of her sleeve, waves it twice, and puts it back.]

LULABELLE: There, done.

RENEE: You’re done? Then what was all that “re gee roo bah haa glah” stuff?

LULABELLE: (Airily) Oooh, that is what we fairies do when we know that our human person is not telling us their real wish…

RENEE: So it was a bunch of gibberish?

LULABELLE: (Sheepishly) Yep. Sorry ‘bout that.

RENEE: (Giggling) It’s ‘kay. As long as you don’t do it again.

LULABELLE: Okay, I guess my work here is done. Bye Chica! I hope you are happy with your wish!

End Scene 2

Scene 3:

[Exit LULABELLE through door off the kitchen, she is now standing right outside the door. LULABELLE seems to be trying to do something; she squints her eyes, clenches her fists, and walks forward three steps. Nothing happens, LULABELLE sighs, and walks back to right in front of the door. She again squints her eyes, clenches her fists, and walks forward three steps. Again, nothing happens. LULABELLE huffs, stomps her foot, and reenters RENEE’s kitchen.]

[Same scenery as the beginning of scene 2]

LULABELLE: Okay, Huston, we have a problem.

RENEE: (Kinda angrily) What? Don’t tell me it ends at midnight?

LULABELLE: Nooo, but my walk-out-the-front-door-and-fade-away-into-the-mist-leaving-an-eternally-grateful-human-behind-gig isn’t working. I can’t fade.

RENEE: You can’t fade? Is this a joke?

LULABELLE: Nopie Dopie, it’s for real. And if I can’t fade away, the wish will wear off.

RENEE: WHAT!!! The wish CAN’T wear off! I need it!

LULABELLE: What am I supposed to do about it? If I can’t fade, then I can’t fade.

RENEE: (Rolling her eyes) How do I make you fade?

LULABELLE: (Softly) You have to forgive.

RENEE: Forgive?! No way!

LULABELLE: Then you lose the wish.

RENEE: I can’t forgive Dad! He doesn’t deserve forgiveness!

LULABELLE: That may be so, but is that any reason to deny it?

RENEE: (Sulkily) He hurt us too bad.

LULABELLE: He was hurt too.

RENEE: (Crossing her arms) No excuse.

LULABELLE: He couldn’t handle it, she was gone, you all were still there, it was just too much.

RENEE: (Sarcastically) Who are you? His lawyer fairy lady?

LULABELLE: No, but I’m your fairy lady, and I know that until you forgive, the wish won’t really help anything.

RENEE: (After a long pause) Do you really think I can let go?

LULABELLE: I know you can.

RENEE: Well, if it will help you fade, then I guess, well, I can try.

LULABELLE: Good girl!

End Scene 3

Scene 4:

[A bright hospital room, with a bed in the middle. RENEE’S BOYFRIEND is sitting up in the bed, pillows propping him up. He is eating food off a tray on his lap.]

[Enter RENEE, very slowly]

RENEE’S BOYFRIEND: Hey Baby!

[RENEE Laughs]

End Scene 4

Scene 5:

[Back at Fairy Headquarters, same desk, same positions]

HEAD FAIRY: Well, Lula, I think you did real well that time.

LULABELLE: (Beaming) Thank you! I tried really hard.

HEAD FAIRY: (Sternly) You need to stop eating at every stop! That really takes away from our fairy image. And what was that with the lemon ice?

LULABELLE: (With a soft laugh) That was to try and make Renee less tense, you know? I thought if I showed thirst and hunger, she would relax a little bit.

HEAD FAIRY: (Dryly) And you are sure it had nothing to do with the fact that you really were thirsty and hungry?

LULABELLE: Nothing at all.

[HEAD FAIRY and LULABELLE smile at each other.]

End Scene 5





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