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Only an Angel Can Contemplate my Fate
There was once a time in my life where I didn’t care. About family, friends, school, anything. I was depressed. My heart had been scarred. I was starting to feel that way now. But do you blame me? I just lost everything. Or at least it felt that way. Life was great. I was in a good place. But now it’s gone. The one thing that kept me sane. The one thing that made me happy. Was gone. Actually, it wasn’t a thing. It was a person. A him. He kept me sane. He made me happy. He was usually that someone out there for me who could get me through anything. But now that he’s gone, it doesn’t seem like anything can help me. Now only an angel could contemplate my fate…
He meant so much to me. I truly loved him. He was the velvet on my red cupcake. The parachute to my airplane. The melody to my Christmas. Though he wasn’t perfect, he was my kind of perfect. He inspired me, influenced me. I admired him more than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. He was my hero.
I remember the day I found out. It was all over the news. All over the internet. Like barriers closing in on me, I felt like I couldn’t escape it. But even if I did I knew it wouldn’t change what had happened. The second I heard, my jaw dropped, as tears immediately started flowing. I’m pretty sure my heart stopped, and it hasn‘t starting running since. Rather than being on the other side of down, I was now falling. It had felt like I was just punched in the stomach. Like my heart was ripped right out of my chest and stomped into a million pieces. Or roses. Either way the mess of my heart was not being cleaned up.
I cried. I screamed. I broke things. Nothing seemed to even begin to heal the pain. If there was pain. Eventually I began to not feel at all. My mind had stopped, my heart had stopped. I couldn’t’ decide between the left side or the right. I didn’t know which floor to get off on. I didn’t know what to say, and I wasn’t going to say it anyway.
The day lingered on, the night even longer. I laid on the floor, leaning back against my bed. I felt numb. There were no tears left to cry. No more once treasured items to break. Not even any voice left to scream. It had felt like my brain had just shut down, with the only comprehendible question left being “Why?” Why? Just simply, why? Why did this have to happen? Why did it have to happen to him? Why did it have to happen to me? Is there some greater purpose? If there is I should would love to know. But whatever it is could never make up for this anyway. He didn’t deserve this. I couldn’t handle this.
As I began to get up, I accidentally kicked an old notebook. I picked it up and opened it. What I saw surprised me. A picture of him, back from 2008...
~ Driving home from the grocery store, I skimmed through the new teen magazine I bought. Page by page, getting a glimpse of the new issue. Suddenly, something caught my eye. It was a poster. A poster of him. The first I had ever seen. Little did I knew this would be first of tons of posters of the boy who would soon change my life. I began freaking out a bit,
“Mom? Oh my God! Mom?! Mom?!”
“What?” she exclaimed , as she turned around to the poster I was holding.
“Oh my God!” she replied excitedly. ~
I had no idea in that moment what it would all turn into, just months later. As I snapped out of my memory, I realized that I was crying. Actually, bawling. Practically choking on my tears as I finally came to the realization… He was gone. The boy that had changed my life, the boy that I admired, the boy that I loved, was now gone.
“Why?” I managed to get out through my sobs. “Why? Why?!” I was now screaming. I was actually starting to worry that I was having a full on breakdown. But maybe that’s what I needed. How else would I be able to cope? Usually it wasn’t the healthiest solution, but maybe in this case it was. Traumatic experiences call for traumatic outcomes right? Maybe…
I cried for a whole hour. Reminiscing, thinking back on everything he had done for me. I never wanted it all to end like this. I never wanted to say goodbye.
Still crying, I decided to do something I hadn’t done in a while. I grabbed my ipod and put it on shuffle. I closed my eyes and waited for the music to start. The second I realized what song it was, I was bawling all over again. I was now giving a whole new meaning to the word “bawl”. Why this song?
“Sitting all alone in your room, Thinking that the world’s let you down, All you ever wanted to do is trust someone to always be around…”
I sat there listening to the song. It had a whole new meaning to me now.
“There’s somebody out there,
To show you the tenderness you need,
Somebody to hold you,
When worries control you,
I’d give anything if only you knew it was me…”
I continued listening as I sobbed. “It was you David. It was always you.” I spoke as a stream of tears fled my eyes. Eventually the song ended and went to the next.
“Tied to the tracks and I hear you call, You’re voice is shaking…”
I continued listening, trying to now calm myself down. I was tired of crying, and yet I still wanted to.
“So keep breathing, I said that I’ll always be there, Now I’m needed more than ever before, There’s a future worth fighting for…”
Those words made the tears start back up. Now this song? It’s almost as if he knew…
“So don’t be scared, I know how you must be feeling, No one to help you carry the pain, I’m coming to save the day…”
I couldn’t help but think this was all kind of weird. “Oh David, you were always there to save the day. You have no idea…” I shook my head, not being able to control the tears now.
As that song ended, the next came on…
“Everybody’s got a time in their life, When everything hurts and nothing’s right…”
Ugh. David, things are not gonna get better.
“Everybody‘s got someone they‘ve lost and they can‘t believe they‘re really gone, But you gotta live on…”
I shot my head up, my tearful eyes staring at the ipod. “Really David? How do you expect me to live on? I love you… I need you.” I whispered.
It was almost as if David was controlling my ipod, playing the songs I needed to hear. I don’t know how he knew, but it seemed like David wanted me to cheer up. Deep down I knew David wouldn’t want me to be this way. Instead of crying over him being gone, smile over the times he was here. Him being gone won’t change everything he left me with, these songs are making me realize that. Maybe David is the only way to even get over this?…