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A Guide for the Grammatically Impaired (Sarcasm at It's Best)

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Hello poor, ignorant reader. Let me guess. You are reading this because you are pathetic at grammar, and need someone extremely intelligent to explain it to you. You have come to the right place. I will try to dumb it down.

Capitalization: As a general rule, you should capitalize the start of every sentence, and names. The exceptions to this rule are multiple, however. If IMing or texting, capitalizing the beginning of a sentence can seem pretentious, and if you were as smart as I am, you would know nobody likes a pretentious person. Also, when IMing or texting, capitalizing a person’s name could imply you care for them more than the people you don’t capitalize, which could lead to unpleasant rumors the next day at school. If you prefer to appear aloof and rebellious, you really shouldn’t capitalize anything. But that is your choice. Something else you should remember about capitals is that capitalizing more than one letter in a row is either abbreviating or shouting. In some situations, it can even be interpreted as sarcasm. You really should take care to portray the correct tone. Finally, if you alternate capitalized letters and lowercase within a word, it makes your speech seem shallow, and overrides the point you were trying to make. Unless of course, the point you were trying to make is that you are a silly teenaged girl, which may be what you were going for in the first place.

Nouns: A noun is a person, place or thing. Use them when you occasionally break attention from yourself and want to talk about something worthwhile.

Adverbs and Adjectives: Adverbs and Adjectives modify verbs and nouns, respectively. They should describe, bring attention to or emphasize the noun or verb, and/or make it funny. A noun can also be used as an adverb or adjective, as long as it is preceded by “all” or “so”. For example, the following sentence would be acceptable. “I crept up on him all ninja.” Additionally, you can make up any word you want to be an adverb or adjective, as long as you are smart, pretty, popular, well liked, funny, or generally cool. Some guidelines for this are combining synonyms to serve your purpose, adding “ish” or “ly” to an existing word, putting your word in quotation marks, and/or explaining the meaning in parenthesis. Please do not attempt this if you are a nerd, a teacher’s pet, or an overall weirdo. It could be harmful to your school life.

Punctuation (within the sentence): When IMing or texting, commas should be avoided. Any break needed can and should be formed by a colon, a semicolon, or an emoticon. Emoticons are very helpful for breaking up a sentence while still conveying a thought, allowing you to blab on for longer without being faulted with a run-on sentence. However, when writing for school, use lots of commas, and avoid extremely long sentences as well as emoticons. Teachers like that.

Punctuation (at the end of a sentence): For your convenience, I have attached a list of punctuation marks you can use at the end of a sentence, as well as their meanings.
!: I am excited, mad, scared, or hyper.
.: I am making a statement, mad, or bored.
?: I am asking a question. Warning – it may be sarcastic or rhetorical. Practice recognizing the intention of the writer.
Emoticons can also be used as end marks, and they should convey the mood of the sentence.

Prepositional phrases: These can be used to tell a location, such as “I left my lip-gloss in my drawer.” In my drawer would be the prepositional phrase. They can be placed alone in a sentence, but if you are hoping to get a lot across in one sentence, because I’m sure you have oh so many important things to say, prepositions can be placed in parenthesis.

I’m sure this guide has changed your life for the better, but there is no need to drop to your knees and thank me profusely. It’s just what I do.

Professor Grammar





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This article has 22 comments. Post your own now!

Beachgirl1 said...
Apr. 14, 2011 at 9:40 am
:) lol, i love this, hilarious i suck at grammer :) 
 
PJD17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 31, 2011 at 5:09 pm
kind of random but still interesting and kind of funny 
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 31, 2011 at 5:37 pm
Yeah.... no idea why I wrote this actually. :)
 
JacobC said...
Nov. 23, 2010 at 4:55 pm
This was really interesting, and you wrote it in the perfect way.  It AlSo MaDe Me LaUgH wHeN yOu WeRe TaLkInG aBoUt pEoPlE wHo Do ThIs.
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 27, 2010 at 11:27 pm
haha thanks :)
 
thepreachyteenager said...
Nov. 17, 2010 at 5:11 pm
I wanted to find a grammar mistake in this soooooo badly, but I couldn't lol.  A weird idea, but not that bad.  I thought it was sort of an oxymoron when you talked about proper texting grammar.  In my mind, texting + grammar = DOES NOT COMPUTE.  Anyway, pretty fun, but I guess it didn't make me laugh like it did for other people, sorry! :(
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 27, 2010 at 11:28 pm
It's okay - it's not supposed to compute.  It's a bit off the wall and random.  :)
 
AshTree said...
Nov. 12, 2010 at 6:38 pm
!  lol. This is cute (:
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 12, 2010 at 8:57 pm
haha thanks
 
Phoenix97 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 10, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Amen! :D This is much, much needed!
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 10, 2010 at 3:02 pm
lol the inadvertent grammar error in the title tops it all off :P
 
JennaBeaSwimma said...
Sept. 27, 2010 at 3:29 pm
This was very funny!  I'm a grammar freak too, so I appreciate your pretentious narrator.  If you get the time, could you check out some of my work?  Thanks!  Keep writing!
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 28, 2010 at 10:08 pm
Thanks! And I did. :)
 
apocalyptigirl said...
Sept. 21, 2010 at 6:52 pm
...also you spelled "parenthesis" wrong, or at least I think so. It should be, to the best of my knowledge, "parentheses." --J7X
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 21, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Whoops, that is embarrassing.  Especially the "It's".  I know how to do it, but whenever I'm in a hurry I get it wrong. Grrr!  Oh well, I suppose this would be the best place to make mistakes, as it only adds to the humor. :P
 
apocalyptigirl said...
Sept. 21, 2010 at 6:49 pm
I would laugh so hard if you posted this as nonfiction. As it is, I was giggling from the start b/c you have a grammatical error in your title. At the risk of sounding as pretentious as your narrator, THIS IS MY BIGGEST GRAMMAR PET PEEVE EVER. "It's" is a contraction for "it is." "Its" is the possessive form of it, (it is owning something) and your title should be "A Guide for the Grammatically Impaired (Sarcasm at its Best)." Other than that, applause.
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Oct. 9, 2010 at 10:16 pm
I posted this in the forums, and got criticized, so I was kind of nervous about putting it here, and added the sarcasm bit so nobody would take it the wrong way.  Unfortunately, whenever I'm in a hurry I mess up the "It's/its" thing. :(
 
DifferentTeenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Sept. 18, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Oh my god, that was hilarious. I'm quite literate and it gets on my nerves when peopl don't use correct grammer on the computer just because they want to. Things like "dhat be dumb rite der" gets on my last nerve. But this just made me laugh! Great job, you just made my day. Keep writing.

P.S. Could you check out some of my work, I could use some new comments and feedback lol. Thanks!

 
DifferentTeenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Sept. 18, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Well isn't that ironic, I was just talking about being literate and I forgot to put an 'e' on the end of people lol
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 18, 2010 at 4:45 pm
I'm glad you liked it!  I'd be happy to check out yours.  And that made me smile - I ADORE irony :)
 
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