A Guide for the Grammatically Impaired (Sarcasm at It's Best)

September 14, 2010
By AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)


Hello poor, ignorant reader. Let me guess. You are reading this because you are pathetic at grammar, and need someone extremely intelligent to explain it to you. You have come to the right place. I will try to dumb it down.

Capitalization: As a general rule, you should capitalize the start of every sentence, and names. The exceptions to this rule are multiple, however. If IMing or texting, capitalizing the beginning of a sentence can seem pretentious, and if you were as smart as I am, you would know nobody likes a pretentious person. Also, when IMing or texting, capitalizing a person’s name could imply you care for them more than the people you don’t capitalize, which could lead to unpleasant rumors the next day at school. If you prefer to appear aloof and rebellious, you really shouldn’t capitalize anything. But that is your choice. Something else you should remember about capitals is that capitalizing more than one letter in a row is either abbreviating or shouting. In some situations, it can even be interpreted as sarcasm. You really should take care to portray the correct tone. Finally, if you alternate capitalized letters and lowercase within a word, it makes your speech seem shallow, and overrides the point you were trying to make. Unless of course, the point you were trying to make is that you are a silly teenaged girl, which may be what you were going for in the first place.

Nouns: A noun is a person, place or thing. Use them when you occasionally break attention from yourself and want to talk about something worthwhile.

Adverbs and Adjectives: Adverbs and Adjectives modify verbs and nouns, respectively. They should describe, bring attention to or emphasize the noun or verb, and/or make it funny. A noun can also be used as an adverb or adjective, as long as it is preceded by “all” or “so”. For example, the following sentence would be acceptable. “I crept up on him all ninja.” Additionally, you can make up any word you want to be an adverb or adjective, as long as you are smart, pretty, popular, well liked, funny, or generally cool. Some guidelines for this are combining synonyms to serve your purpose, adding “ish” or “ly” to an existing word, putting your word in quotation marks, and/or explaining the meaning in parenthesis. Please do not attempt this if you are a nerd, a teacher’s pet, or an overall weirdo. It could be harmful to your school life.

Punctuation (within the sentence): When IMing or texting, commas should be avoided. Any break needed can and should be formed by a colon, a semicolon, or an emoticon. Emoticons are very helpful for breaking up a sentence while still conveying a thought, allowing you to blab on for longer without being faulted with a run-on sentence. However, when writing for school, use lots of commas, and avoid extremely long sentences as well as emoticons. Teachers like that.

Punctuation (at the end of a sentence): For your convenience, I have attached a list of punctuation marks you can use at the end of a sentence, as well as their meanings.
!: I am excited, mad, scared, or hyper.
.: I am making a statement, mad, or bored.
?: I am asking a question. Warning – it may be sarcastic or rhetorical. Practice recognizing the intention of the writer.
Emoticons can also be used as end marks, and they should convey the mood of the sentence.

Prepositional phrases: These can be used to tell a location, such as “I left my lip-gloss in my drawer.” In my drawer would be the prepositional phrase. They can be placed alone in a sentence, but if you are hoping to get a lot across in one sentence, because I’m sure you have oh so many important things to say, prepositions can be placed in parenthesis.

I’m sure this guide has changed your life for the better, but there is no need to drop to your knees and thank me profusely. It’s just what I do.

Professor Grammar


The author's comments:
I meant my narrator to be abrasive, but this is meant to be sarcastic and funny, so don't take offense! This is kind of a joke on myself, because I am terrible at grammar. NOTE: I made up all the rules, seriousness should not be applied :)

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This article has 22 comments.


on Apr. 14 2011 at 9:40 am
Beachgirl1 PLATINUM, Bellevue, Washington
32 articles 4 photos 178 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If You Don't Fight Back, You've Already Lost."
"Don't suppress Laughter, it goes to your thighs."

:) lol, i love this, hilarious i suck at grammer :) 

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Mar. 31 2011 at 5:37 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

Yeah.... no idea why I wrote this actually. :)

PJD17 SILVER said...
on Mar. 31 2011 at 5:09 pm
PJD17 SILVER, Belleville, Illinois
8 articles 0 photos 624 comments

Favorite Quote:
I do the best imatation of myself- Ben Folds

kind of random but still interesting and kind of funny 

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 27 2010 at 11:28 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

It's okay - it's not supposed to compute.  It's a bit off the wall and random.  :)

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 27 2010 at 11:27 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

haha thanks :)

JacobC GOLD said...
on Nov. 23 2010 at 4:55 pm
JacobC GOLD, Belgium, Wisconsin
10 articles 4 photos 69 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Am I indecisive? Well, yes and no." -Anonymous

This was really interesting, and you wrote it in the perfect way.  It AlSo MaDe Me LaUgH wHeN yOu WeRe TaLkInG aBoUt pEoPlE wHo Do ThIs.

on Nov. 17 2010 at 5:11 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

I wanted to find a grammar mistake in this soooooo badly, but I couldn't lol.  A weird idea, but not that bad.  I thought it was sort of an oxymoron when you talked about proper texting grammar.  In my mind, texting + grammar = DOES NOT COMPUTE.  Anyway, pretty fun, but I guess it didn't make me laugh like it did for other people, sorry! :(

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 12 2010 at 10:43 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

Thanks :)      

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 12 2010 at 8:57 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

haha thanks

AshTree SILVER said...
on Nov. 12 2010 at 6:38 pm
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

!  lol. This is cute (:

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 10 2010 at 3:02 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

lol the inadvertent grammar error in the title tops it all off :P

on Nov. 10 2010 at 1:18 pm
Phoenix97 PLATINUM, Minneapolis, Minnesota
29 articles 4 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
See lyrics to "Let the Waters Rise" by MIKESCHAIR and "Everything" by Lifehouse

Amen! :D This is much, much needed!

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Oct. 9 2010 at 10:16 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

I posted this in the forums, and got criticized, so I was kind of nervous about putting it here, and added the sarcasm bit so nobody would take it the wrong way.  Unfortunately, whenever I'm in a hurry I mess up the "It's/its" thing. :(

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 28 2010 at 10:08 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

Thanks! And I did. :)

on Sep. 27 2010 at 3:29 pm
JennaBeaSwimma SILVER, High Point, North Carolina
9 articles 13 photos 21 comments
This was very funny!  I'm a grammar freak too, so I appreciate your pretentious narrator.  If you get the time, could you check out some of my work?  Thanks!  Keep writing!

on Sep. 22 2010 at 2:23 am
Healing_Angel SILVER, Sydney, Other
8 articles 2 photos 513 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live for today, not for tomorrow

LOVE THIS!! :)

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 21 2010 at 8:56 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

Whoops, that is embarrassing.  Especially the "It's".  I know how to do it, but whenever I'm in a hurry I get it wrong. Grrr!  Oh well, I suppose this would be the best place to make mistakes, as it only adds to the humor. :P

on Sep. 21 2010 at 6:52 pm
apocalyptigirl BRONZE, Staunton, Virginia
4 articles 2 photos 285 comments

Favorite Quote:
"DON'T PANIC." ~from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

...also you spelled "parenthesis" wrong, or at least I think so. It should be, to the best of my knowledge, "parentheses." --J7X

on Sep. 21 2010 at 6:49 pm
apocalyptigirl BRONZE, Staunton, Virginia
4 articles 2 photos 285 comments

Favorite Quote:
"DON'T PANIC." ~from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

I would laugh so hard if you posted this as nonfiction. As it is, I was giggling from the start b/c you have a grammatical error in your title. At the risk of sounding as pretentious as your narrator, THIS IS MY BIGGEST GRAMMAR PET PEEVE EVER. "It's" is a contraction for "it is." "Its" is the possessive form of it, (it is owning something) and your title should be "A Guide for the Grammatically Impaired (Sarcasm at its Best)." Other than that, applause.

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 18 2010 at 4:45 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

I'm glad you liked it!  I'd be happy to check out yours.  And that made me smile - I ADORE irony :)


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