COLD OPEN
FADE IN

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

Employees at Dunder Mifflin slowly enter the conference room where Michael and Dwight are waiting. They have set up a puppet show theater in the front of the room with several chairs set up facing the theater. Pam is on the side with the stereo ready to cue the music.

MICHAEL
(sticks his head out from behind the theater curtains)
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, and Toby, welcome to the Michael Scott…

DWIGHT
(pops his head out from behind the curtain and interrupts Michael)
And Dwight Shrute, assistant to the Regional Manager.

MICHAEL
(ignoring Dwight)
Production of “Bathroom Etiquette” at Dunder Mifflin

Shot of the employees in the chairs listening to Michael while most are listening but Stanley is doing a crossword puzzle. The employees groan and several sigh when Michael mentions the topic of the conference meeting.
DWIGHT
(interrupts Michael)
Some of you may be wondering why we have decided to teach this lesson by using puppets, but for the sake of making you enjoy this conference meeting

Shot of Stanley doing his crossword puzzle and rolls his eyes

DWIGHT
Michael and myself will be using puppets to address some of the main issues relating the use of the restroom facilities

TOBY
(stands up and addresses Michael)
Michael, I really don’t think this is appropriate

Michael
(getting very frustrated by this point)
You know what, I’ll show you something inappropriate
(gets up from behind the theater and charges at Toby. Employees yell at Michael and chaos breaks out.)



MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
I think the thing that makes me such a great boss, is that I like to keep my cool. I’m classy in a way. If you have a problem with me, you can come right up to me and tell me. In a way I’m kind of like Marlon Brando in the Godfather, great movie by the way. I’m calm and cool, and I have a lot of class. But I would never cut off your horse’s head. That’s just totally crossing the line.

MICHAEL
(rushes up to Toby and Dwight has caught up to him and restraining Michael from doing something completely inappropriate)
Talk to the booty, cause the hand’s off duty!
(Michael turns around putting his back towards Toby, bends over and slaps his own butt)
(Michael then walks over, takes one of the puppets that is supposed to be used in the show, throws it at Toby and storms out of the room. Dwight does the same in a very awkward manner.

PAM
(after Michael and Dwight storm out of the room, Pam decided to turn on the stereo)
“Oops, I Did It Again” by Britney Spears plays and Employees roll their eyes and are frustrated

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
(imitating Marlon Brando in the Godfather, and stroke his chin and leans back in his seat) You got a problem with me? Huh, is that it? You disrespect me? Well, I don’t care. Nope, I’m classy… (stops the imitation) I’m above the influence.
(camera stays on Michael for 5 seconds while he just sits there)

END OF COLD OPEN




















ACT ONE
FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Dwight and Jim are both sitting at their desks doing work, Dwight is on the phone with a customer and Jim is setting up his desk and putting things in order since it is his first day.
DWIGHT
(on the phone with customer)
And how many reams of canary yellow do u want?
(pause)
I’m sorry that order won’t be available for another month
(pause)
Sir, I understand you need them today…
(interrupted by client on phone)
(pause)
Actually I believe I am doing my job. (starts to raise his voice) and part of my job entails that I make sure my customer orders what they need, and if I am correct you have just placed an order that will be shipped to you within a month!

Shot of Jim at his desk listening in on the on Dwight’s phone conversation… seems surprised with his manner of handling his client

DWIGHT
(pause)
Experience?! You want to talk about experience?! I have been a purple belt for over fifteen years and I have all of the proper techniques to seriously injure a fully grown man.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
(uses a very monotone voice and is very serious)
One is not a purple belt when their mind tells them so. One can only be a purple belt when one never thinks.
(Puts his hands together and bows to the camera)

DWIGHT
(quickly replies before the client can say anything)
Thank you for using Dunder Mifflin paper supply company for you paper needs.
(hangs up abruptly)
(looks at Jim, non-chalantly leans back in his chair and places his hands behind his head)
You the new salesman?

JIM
I guess so

DWIGHT
Have you ever sold paper before?

JIM
Can’t say I have

DWIGHT
Have you ever fought a bear?

JIM TALKING HEAD
Why did I come to Dunder Mifflin? Well, basically for two reasons. I need a job, and as I’m slowly figuring out, a good source of entertainment.


JIM
How does that relate to selling paper?

DWIGHT
Oh, I doesn’t. I’m just curious about your fighting experience.

JIM
(looks at camara, shakes his head and leaves to go Michael’s desk. Closes door behind him)

Shot of Pam from behind her receptionist desk shaking her head at Dwight.

Inside Michael’s Office

MICHAEL
New guy! What it do baby boo? What’s shaking bacon?

JIM
I Just wanted to come in a say thank you for this wonderful opportunity. I’m very anxious to start working

MICHAEL
No problemo Halpert. Here, take a seat. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Dunder Mifflin is all about having fun. I believe that when people are having fun, they can work well and do their best.

STANLEY TALKING HEAD

Not once have I ever had fun working for Michael. Work is not fun.
(pulls out his crossword puzzle while still infront of the camera.)

MICHAEL
So any questions? Do u have the law of the land yet? I can take you on a tour

JIM
Oh, umm no thank you. I think I pretty much go it.

MICHAEL
OK well if you ever need anything I’m right here. Just chillin’ dogg.

Jim leaves and goes back to his desk.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD (voice-over while Jim is going back to desk and glances at Pam.)

I like the youngins. You know, the keep the work space fresh and exciting. Their lingo makes me feel young again. But I think what’s great is the sexual tension for sure. These kids come to my business to start their grown up lives and hopefully, they find their true loves. I’ve been working her for awhile, and I think working here has taught me a lot about love. Love is difficult and hard to find, I’m just walking through the garden of Eden searching for that right fruit. But I think God hasn’t been watering his plants, cause everything I find is moldy and gross.

ACT TWO

INT. LUNCHROOM OFFICE – KITCHEN/LUNCH ROOM

Jim and Kevin are sitting the kitchen eating their lunch. Pam is at the microwave heating up her food. Silence for a few minutes.

JIM
What you got there?

KEVIN
(state obviously)
Chicken parmesan

JIM
Peanut butter and Jelly over here
(points down to his sandwich)

KEVIN
(pause)
My name is Kevin

JIM
Nice to meet you, Kevin. I’m Jim. So, since I’m new here, do u have any tips for me?

KEVIN
Be careful of the vending machine. It’s never very reliable. But usually I just shake it really hard to get my food.


JIM
Good to know. Im taking mental notes.

PAM
(sheepishly chimes in)
Don’t put your food in the fridge on Wednesdays. Meredith likes to bring her left over mystery meet pizza for lunch.

JIM
Now that’s an excellent tip. I will not forget that.

KEVIN
Oh! And never ever take any food that Creed offers you. I had diarrhea for a week.

Dwight enters and grabs his soda out of the fridge. Takes a huge gulp and lets out a large burp.

JIM
Got any tips for me, Dwight?

DWIGHT
I have plenty. Share a cup or glass with an adult if you like, but never with a child, their illnesses are far more virulent when passed on to an adult. Always ask a question neutrally. Never imply an answer. ask which country is the biggest coffee producer, NOT is Brazil the biggest coffee producer? When hunting a black bear, Stay very quiet. Bring some mint flavored throat lozenges with you in case your throat gets scratchy. This will help keep you from coughing.

Dwight finishes the last of his soda, throws it into the trashcan on the opposite side of the room and storms out.