Yesterday I got a call from my dear friend Pope John Paul the Second. I could tell by the sound of his voice something was wrong. The latest holy statistics had just come in showing church attendance at an all-time low. Overwhelmed by the problem, he came to yours truly for guidance. I put the phone down for a moment and pondered the problem. I needed to find a way to reinvent the church for the new millennium, and fast. After all, I didn't want to pay for a long-distance call from the Vatican.

The first problem I had to tackle was the repetitive standing up and sitting down process. Standing up and sitting down takes a lot of effort, but adjusting a recliner from the down to up position isn't nearly as bad. That's why I replaced all the wooden benches with individual leather recliners. These futuristic seats have built-in massagers, multiple beverage holders and a control panel that can do everything from order pizza to program satellites.

The next thing I did was take the host and wine and put it all on a buffet table. That way, if anyone is feeling extra spiritual they can come back for seconds. I'd also make the host different flavors, like triple chocolate and cherry Garcia but I'd still keep the original flavor, Styrofoam.

The Mass format needed some tweaking, too. I took away some focus from spiritual salvation and put a little bit more on variety show. Every Sunday you can go see priests interview celebrities and hear rappers' latest gang-related songs. I also found a way to make a fortune off advertising: "The following reading is from the book of John and brought to you by Coca Cola!" After hearing this, the Pope broke into tears and sainted me for the second time.