Welcome to America's Most Wanted, I'm your host Get M. Back. This evening we are going to devote the entire show to one criminal. The criminal of tonight's show is the banana. Yes, I'm referring to the banana fruit.
The banana is a fruit of numerous disguises, which is one reason it is extremely difficult to catch. For you viewers who have never seen the banana before, I will describe it. Disguise number one: the banana is approximately five inches tall. It is really seven inches in length but it had scoliosis at a young age. As a result, the banana cannot stand fully upright. The banana's back is in the shape of an arc. The banana has a smooth yellow peel encasing its body. Sometimes brown spots appear on the peel, indicating signs of aging. The smooth yellow peel comes together in the shape of a cone at the very bottom and top of the banana. At the top, a brown, crinoid-shaped section of peel holds the banana together. The banana has no feet. It also wears a quarter- sized, medium blue sticker on its chest. A drawing of a dancer, and the word CHIQUITA are decorated in white across the sticker. On occasion, the banana will pull down the crinoid, which opens up the peel so the banana can step out into disguise number two. This disguise is banana in its truly natural state, minus the peel. The banana is an ivory color and has a multitude of wrinkles. The banana is extremely soft, and squishes easily. You will know when the banana has escaped from its peel because a certain fragrance is emitted. One that is very similar to banana cream pie.
The banana is very mysterious because it is simultaneously a benefit and hazard to society. The banana is a great source of potassium, which is very helpful to the human heart. On the other hand, the banana often sheds its peel, leaving it in the middle of the sidewalk. To date, seventeen elderly ladies have walked down the sidewalk, not seeing the banana peel, slipped on it, done a 360E, and landed on their backsides with broken bones and an abundance of medical bills.
We must catch this banana before any more senior citizens slip and break bones. The banana can be spotted on a little island down equator way. It has frequently been spotted singing, "I dream about the moonlight and the very, very tropical equator." If you see the banana outside of its peel, feel free to jump on top of it. The banana will simply mush right underneath you. If you see the sly fruit in its yellow peel, call 1-800-CAPTURE.
That's all for tonight's program. Be sure to tune in next week when we will be focusing in on another food criminal, spaghetti. From America's Most Wanted I'm Get M. Back, good night. n
This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.