Goodbye Innocence

October 23, 2009
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It was a Sunday morning. I thought that Sundays were always suppose to be happy, naturally i was wrong. Sundays have turned out to be just the beginning of the trail that was entwined with anger, hurt and pain. But naturally, my unfailing roseate heart hoped for something more; and it was always in the strongest moments of grief when i found the truest optimism. But this day, this Sunday, the last Sunday in May, i found a new lost in life. It was an unexpected death that occurred. In Most situations as this, i would bury myself in a few cigarettes, or have an intense conversation with a friend, but this was a death that smoking could not cure, nor could a friend begin to heal the brokenness. And it left me all alone and empty.
I expected a funeral to happen, but the dreadful hours turned into days, and the dire days had begun to eat me alive. So, i decided to plan the funeral myself. I doubted the presence of more then 10 people for it wasn't popular to celebrate the life i was mourning so desperately. I found a church that was willing to let the funeral be held there. The pastor, Pastor Tylen was a good friend of mine. When i was a young girl, my parents made me attend the church every Sunday, but as the years went on, and after the death of my parents, the church and Pastor Tylen became an escape to the dark future i saw in my life.
I wasnt positive if i should have gotten flowers for the funeral. I assumed that no one would care about the societies expectations of a funeral that no one would care to attend. Looking back to the day now, i doubted that the presence of flowers would have made a different to the few that didn't acknowledge or notice the event that was at hand. Nonetheless, flowers did not come to this funeral.
The invitations only went out to a few people. Not many would attend, and fewer would have the desire to say goodbye to such a virtuous thing. The following Sunday was the day of the funeral. It was the only day available at the church which i found to be ironic and seemed to be a foolish lie on Pastor Tylen's part.
The ceremony started at sunset. I walked into the building covered in emotions i dare not to try to explain. I saw only 2 other people there. Pastor Tylen and a familiar man i hadnt seen for quite sometime. I dare not try to talk with him for this was not the time or place to have the inevitable conversation. I sat down in my seat. Tylen welcomed those who attended and asked us if we had liked to speak. My old friend pleasantly declined which didnt leave me surprised. So i went up to talk myself. I started, "In hopeless desperation i search for you, and in the vehement lies you find me." I began to feel the tears fall down my face. I couldnt help but to weep. No one else cared as much to cry; only i felt the pain that embraced my heart. I finished speaking, "I know ill never see you again. Its to late. He killed that for me, just like i did when the fear struck me. So, for that we are both equally responsible, however, he will never know what he did to you, and it would be to late to bring you back into my life. So, as much as i wish for the happy ending and feeling your peace again, i know that will always just be a dream for those who wish to dream." I had no words left to speak, and by the faces of Pastor Tylen and the old friend, they had no idea what i was speaking of. But i didn’t care. I would explain that on a different day. The last tear i cried fell, i kissed the casket. And my breath, a whisper so low that only the angels could hear, i said, "Goodbye Innocence", and returned to my seat.





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